Saints Peter and Paul Church, San Francisco

Ask the Fathers! about marriage!

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On October 11, we received this question:

Dear Father,

I am now a senior at a university, and will graduate in May of 2010. I have been a lifelong Catholic, and am very much in love with the faith. At my university, I have assumed a leadership position for our student pro-life club. Through it, I have met one of the most remarkable young women that has ever come into my life. She is intelligent, determined, loyal, dedicated, has noble ambitions and is a faithful Catholic. Her mind works in such a way that she has a capacity to understand Catholicism at a level that most people can't. She's familiar with the Catechism, papal encyclicals, etc. Finding a woman like this, especially at my age and at your typical, large-scale public university is a difficult task!

This is not "love at first sight," an notion that I soundly reject. I have come to grow fond of this woman after observing her at work for our pro-life group for some time. Her passion and zeal speak volumes, and I know that she strives to be virtuous. Like a good Catholic, she makes this the main goal in her life. For these reasons, I've let her know on a few occasions how much I admire and respect her. We get along well, though I regret that it often feels like we operate on a "business"-like level with respect to our group. (We take our work for this group very seriously, and to realize some of the projects that we do, it requires significant time and effort.) The work that we have done together has transformed this group for the better, and I think that the work of God has been realized as a result of our joint efforts.

My question boils down to this: I am certain that my vocation in life is to marriage. I am determined to witness to my Catholic faith in any stage of life faithfully, though I believe that this will be fully realized for me within the context of marriage. I would never consider courting a woman who I could not picture as my wife nor as the mother of my children. I believe that this young woman is very virtuous and holy, and that she would be an excellent wife and mother. That said, she is two years younger than me (I'm 21, she's 19), and she wants to go on to law school, whereas I have plans to move away after graduation to work for about a year, and then pursue my own graduate studies. I wouldn't say that either of us are ready for marriage at this point in life, but we are both very faithful and mature Catholics who can understand the purpose and dynamics of Catholic courtship. With this in mind, and considering how I may very well be moving away after graduation, do you think it would be worthwhile for me to pursue courtship with her, with the intention of remaining in this exclusive relationship until the time for marriage arrives? Seeing how I have never before managed to find someone quite like her, I can't be certain that I could ever find another that would make for a better wife. Also, we are not strangers; we've known each other for a year; this courtship, then, would not have anything to do with "breaking the ice;" it's about getting to know each other on a much deeper level.

I feel that if God is calling us to marriage, time and distance would not be an obstacle to us. I have known many good Catholics who have maintained exclusive relationships with their significant other, awaiting the proper time at which they can finally marry. I also look back on the work we've done to build up the Culture of Life on our campus, and I see the work of Divine Providence within it. I can only imagine how fruitful and blessed we could be as a family; to think of how much more we could do for God.

Taking all these things into consideration, do you think it would be moral of me to pursue a relationship with this devout woman, who is truly a rare find? Or, knowing that I may be leaving soon (in about 7 months), and that we each have our respective academic plans which could potentially keep us physically separate for a good number of years (recall: two years age/education level difference), should I forgo the possibility? Again, I think if God wills it, distance and time are not a problem. But, if indeed God wills our unity, then I must act now! Time is short.

Thank you.

Alumnus 2010

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Alumnus 2010,

Yours is very thoughtful letter. Would that more of our young people were as open to God's will as you two seem to be.

Q: "Taking all these things into consideration, do you think it would be moral of me to pursue a relationship with this devout woman, who is truly a rare find? "

A: There is certainly nothing wrong in pursuing such a relationship.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder." This may or may not be true in your situation, Time will tell. Meanwhile pursue your dream and pray that hers be in sync with yours.

The years apart can be a bridge of love. Let God be master of the bridge.

Meantime you certainly can act now realizing that "it takes two to tangle."

Continue to pray that if your dream does not come true, it is His will in your life. If one door closes another will open.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Fathers:

I am actually all the way on the other side of the country, but while searching for an answer to my question a link to your site popped up, and I was hoping you could help me. I started RCIA classes last night and I was informed by one of the sisters that I would have to be remarried in the Catholic church before I could receive any of the sacrements, I have tried to look in the Catechism book, but I am still very new to the faith, and was unable to find info on this subject. My husband is baptized in the catholic church, but not confirmed. I am baptized also, but another religion.

Thank you for taking your time to read this,

Heather

Fr. Harold responds:

Dear Heather,

When someone tells you about getting married with the Sacrament, explain the underlying principles should be explained very carefully. I shall attempt to do this as simply as possible.

First of all, the Church [that is, the called-together community of disciples of Jesus Christ] has a great respect and reverence for marriage wherever it happens according to law and custom. However, it does make a few rules for its own members.

The Church believes that marriage between baptized persons is itself a Sacrament, a sign and mystery of God's presence among us. To be certain that the Sacrament happens it requires a few things: the bride and groom, two witnesses and the official representative of the Church - a priest or deacon. The local Bishop has the authority to allow for some important reason, that someone other than a priest or deacon officiate. But this would have to be requested, and permission granted, in a very formal, official way.

So if a Catholic person "tries" to get married by a justice of the peace in a garden or at city hall, or in other than a Catholic church, or a wedding chapel in Las Vegas, etc. - that marriage is considered not true, not valid. I must infer from your short letter that something of this sort is how you are married to your Catholic husband. Thus in the process of you yourself joining the Catholic Church, one of the things to do as you receive the other Sacraments is also to make your wedding promises before the Catholic priest. I am sure that your RCIA team will help you to plan for a wonderful celebration!

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

P.S. As you are preparing for completing the Initiation Sacraments in the Catholic Church, your husband should himself be preparing for Confirmation. I trust he is attending the whole program along with you.

Fathers,

I was raised in a small town in Minnesota in the 30's in a predominately Czech Catholic community. I am a Christian who worships in a Lutheran Church. Today is August 26th, 2009. Edward Kennedy died yesterday. In my hometown a dentist and his wife were divorced.

They were Roman Catholics. He remarried and was ex-communicated, No longer in the church and of course no communion!

If Kennedy has a mass service in a Catholic Church ---WHY?? He was divorced from Joan Bennet and then married a divorcee. Why hasn't he been ex-communicated? How can he have a Catholic funeral service?

Frank Sumatra was married four times and two of those were with divorced women, and he was divorced three times.YET, he had a Catholic funeral mass Why wasn't he ex-communicated when he married the second, third or fourth wife? Gregory Peck is entombed in Our Lady of the Angels in L.A. He was divorced and remarried.

OK, fathers. Is there now a new set of rules since the thirties for all Roman Catholics? Or for just the privileged?I am really curious and this is not written in malice as I am a Christian. It is to have the answer to a puzzling enigma.

Thank you very much,

Jean

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Jean,

No one who has married outside the Church, or has re-married outside the Church has ever been excommunicated by that fact. They are not objectively in good status for receiving Eucharist. However, the Sacraments of Reconciliation and Anointing are available when one repents and makes the appropriate adjustments in their life.

The work and mission of the Church Tribunal are common knowledge. The inner documents for a particular marriage are private. The Tribunal never makes details public, though the persons involved might or might not. And persons may appeal a ruling to a higher Church court, ultimately to the Vatican.

The practices of the Church regarding Christian burial have evolved over the centuries. What the Church does is NOT to judge a person's conscience at death. The Church always prays for the living and the dead. The Mass of Christian Burial is precisely that - to pray for the dead person, without judgment. Judgment is left totally to God. The Funeral Mass then is a privileged occasion when we are reminded of our littleness as human beings before God our Creator, what our own attitudes are to be modeled on, what the ideals of Christian life are, and so on. What better opportunity is there to make these reflections for many people at once?

In this regard we think about with whom Jesus had dinner. He accepted invitations from hypocrites, from tax collectors and sinners - so that sick people would be attended to by the Divine Physician.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Hello, Father, and thank you for your time.

My question is long and complex.

I was raised Episcopalian. My mother is Irish Catholic, but for many reasons her entire family left the Catholic Church and became Episcopalians. I married a non practicing Catholic. We were married in the Episcopal Church. Eight years later I embraced the Catholic Church and was received into the Church. I raised our three children in the Church. I became a Catholic as an adult, Father. A choice that I have never regretted.

During this marriage, my husband never embraced the faith, however, he did attend with me from time to time. We divorced after 24 years due to his addictive behavior (alcohol) and adultery. After my divorce I sought counsel with two different priests and was told by both that since my first marriage was never blessed by the Catholic Church and since I became a Catholic after the marriage, that I would not have to get an annulment.

I have since remarried a man raised in the Church of Christ. My father, a retired district judge, married us in a civil ceremony. I could not ask this man who has never been involved with the Catholic Church to go through an annulment (his first wife committed adultery and they were divorced 16 years prior to our meeting).

My question is this....I am asking if I may take Communion, Father. My husband goes with me to mass and is a wonderful Christian. I believe our marriage is blessed by God. I miss the sacrament of the Eucharist and feel so let down by the Church in this aspect. There are many, many of us out there, Father, who want to come home fully to our Church, but are not allowed. It breaks my heart that my sweet husband is not allowed to take communion either. Is the answer that we leave the Church and find a place that will accept us both?

Once again, I thank you for your time.

Linda

Fr. Malloy answers:

Linda,

You need to approach your Diocesan Tribunal to resolve your questions regarding annulment, divorce and Eucharist.

Your present marriage could be resolved by having your husband join the Church. If he really wants to receive the Eucharist that would be a condition. However, your marriage could by validated even without that.

In your present situation you may not receive the Eucharist. You were not married in the Church, but that could be cleared up with the agreement of your husband (even if he chooses not to join the Church) and the blessing of your priest.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Fathers,

Background information: I am a 40-yr old practicing Catholic, raised through Catholic school with all the sacraments. I share my age for a frame of reference. On Nov 1st, 2008 I met a 38-yr old man from England in a bar in the city where I live. We talked for an hour and exchanged information. Over the next 7 months we built a very strong relationship that began as a friendship and later love developed. During the latter part of the 7 months we discussed love, family, finances, where we would live, etc. Neither of us have been married before and he was baptized as a Christian and while spirtual, he does not attend any kind of mass. He finally came to visit and during his 10-day stay, we spent 9 days together. He met my family and many friends. I met some of his friends. Before he left, he asked me to marry him and I said yes - no doubt in either of our minds that this was the right thing. A week later over the computer he spoke with my father and asked for my hand. My father gave his blessing.

We are planning to get married on May 1, 2010. My fiance is back in England. I will see him at the end of this month, then he will return in October and I will be there for Christmas. He will not enter the US again until April because of immigration. Trying to find a Catholic church has proved difficult for 2 reasons 1) many are having Communion that day 2) if they don't have Communion, most of them require that you are a member. In addition, it is a mixed marriage, our situation of how we met and where we both live is a bit different, and not sure when he is entering the country. We are waiting to hear from one church where I was baptized and they understand the situation and what needs to be done in order for us to get married in the church (letter to the Bishop, pre-cana, etc).

Whew, okay. So on to the questions: If the Catholic church doesn't work out and we get married in a chapel with a reverend (still want to have a spiritual wedding), is there anything we can do to get our marriage recognized in the Catholic faith? I have already asked my fiance to raise our children Catholic (God willing), he agrees. If we get married in the chapel, may we still raise our children Catholic and therefore they can take part in the Sacraments.

Thank you and I apologize for this lengthy email.

Take care.

Victoria

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Victoria,

First of all, give praise to God that you have met someone with whom to share your life so wholly and completely!

I hope that everything will work out so that you can celebrate your marriage as a Sacrament right away. If that doesn't happen, then as soon as you get settled together, first choose a parish and talk to the parish priest about getting your marriage convalidated [that is, "blessed] in the Church. This is one of the things that happens in Catholic parishes quite frequently throughout the world. Essentially this means doing all the things that might have been done before the wedding, now done afterward.

If you do the above, your last query disappears. However, just so that you know and can share, when there is a founded basis that children will be raised in the practice of the Faith, they can certainly be baptized and receive the Sacraments.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers,

Although I was baptized and raised in the Lutheran Church, as an adult, I really haven’t practiced any religion. Many years ago I married my first wife in her non-denominational Christian Church. Sadly, we divorced after eight years (we had no children). Fast forward 25 years, I met, fell in love with, and married a Catholic woman. Due to the fact that she is from another country and was immigrating to the U.S. based upon her relationship with a U.S. Citizen (me), we had to get married within 90 days of her arrival in the U.S. Consequently, we had a small civil ceremony with the intention of having our marriage regularized by the Catholic Church in the near future. As a non-Catholic, I was completely ignorant of Catholic rules regarding marriage and never gave a thought to my marriage from the distant past. My wife, although a lifelong Catholic, was also unaware that my previous marriage would be an impediment to having our marriage regularized by the Church. We met with the priest at the church where we attend mass every week and he was very helpful in outlining the annulment process for us. However, as helpful as this priest was, I find that I am “stuck” on a couple of points.

First of all, when I got married all those years ago, there wasn't a Catholic in sight. I guess I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that the Catholic Church should have anything to say about the validity of this marriage, which was between two non-Catholics. I am, however, resigned to the fact that in order to be married in the Church, I will have to subject my previous marriage to examination by the Tribunal. Although I will certainly be respectful and cooperative during the process, in all honesty, I regard this as nothing more than an inconvenient exercise that I must go through for the sake of my wife.

Secondly, although I attend mass with my wife every week, we are active in parish activities, and I enjoy being a member of that community, there are a few Catholic teachings that I simply don't believe. Consequently, I seriously doubt that I will ever desire to become Catholic myself.

Finally...my question: Will the fact that I have no intention of becoming Catholic myself, and the fact that I don't really share the belief that the Tribunal cannot legitimately rule on the validity of my first marriage have any impact on the success of my annulment petition?

Thank you for your thoughts.

David

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear David,

You present an interesting line of inquiry. The underlying principle, which the Church upholds, is that a true and valid marriage is exactly "until death" wherever it occurs according to law and custom. So the Church in regard to civil society throughout the globe, holds sacred and dear all true marriages, holding on to the promises "in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, all the days of my life."

In revering this basic principle, as an observer of a particular marriage, a Tribunal will evaluate the circumstances, the persons, the situation to uncover if there was anything at the beginning which could invalidate the marriage at the start. For example, if a family sells off a 12-year old bride to an older man to be married, the Church [along with a variety of secular organizations] would defend the child from any obligation, no matter the background, religion, culture, etc.

The Church does make certain regulations for its own members to be validly married. The spouses must be "free" to marry and have two witnesses. A priest or deacon is to officiate as the designated witness for the community of disciples.

If both spouses are not "free" but enter into a civil [or other church] marriage, the Catholic Church encourages the Catholic spouse[s] to continue to belong to the community of the Church as much as possible though not sharing in the Sacraments of Reconciliation and Eucharist. All of us remain God's children notwithstanding our incomplete unity with the community. Certainly God's help is forthcoming to those who pray and live good lives.

The visible, human Church needs to be consistent with fundamental principles.

Having stated the vision of the Church, I approach your particular questions. Anyone entering the Church must do so with full freedom without any outward compulsion. Examples: my grandmother married my grandfather who was not Catholic and never did entertain any thought of joining. My aunt [my godmother] married a non-Catholic man. He took her to Mass every Sunday, never went in himself. They were married 55 years and died 6 weeks from each other, he first.

Your personal thoughts regarding the Tribunal should have no effect upon the objective inquiry into your first union. If in the end there is no justified ground for a declaration of an invalid marriage, you situation remains as it now is. If instead, there are proper grounds, and a declaration is made, then you could then enter into a Sacramental marriage in the Church - quite a gift to your wife, for whom you are doing this: out of love for her.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

On July 7, we received this question:

Dear Father,

I have someone close to me who was baptized in the Catholic Church and received no other sacraments. Went she turned 16 years old her mother took custody of her step-brother (who was 15 at the time) and then took the two children before a judge and got the two of them married, due to their sexual relationship prior to marriage. Shortly thereafter she became pregant and had a venerial disease to go with it. Her young husband was cheating on her. The marriage eneded with one child born between them.

The next marriage came as the result of breaking up a marriage between a Mormon couple with 4 children. She had a son by him, and this couple divorced, and they got married. Non-Denominational Christian Marriage. He was Excommunicated from the Mormon Church as a result of this relationship.

This marriage ended with alcoholism on his side, and cheating on both sides, one son from this union.

The next Marriage was to a Catholic, Divorced man who also cheated on her and was using drugs. Now here's where it gets interesting, because now she turns to his Catholic brother. They ran away together and lived together for years hiding from his family, and then decided to stop living in sin, and got married. They've also, come out to the family and it's been made clear that if they don't accept her then they won't see their son.

They know they can't be Catholic, so they've been Southern Baptist, Baptist, Non-Denominational Christians, and now Lutheran. Often leaving due to dissention with others in the churchs.

Now here are my questions: Is this a mess that can ever be set right?

Her first marriage was to her brother, civilly, legally and morally as per Leviticus.

The second marriage was before God and not a civil ceremony, although not Catholic.

The third marriage was also a Christian ceremony, but not Catholic.

The fourth marriage is to her last husband's brother, (who are both still living) and that was also a Christian ceremony, not Catholic.

As her marriage stands at this point in time will she ever be able to go to R.C.I.A. and come into full union with the Catholic Church or does she have to give up this last marriage? I'm very confused as to how this can be cleared up. As I understand it at this time she is living in adultry. Is this Right?

Please help clear this up for me. She wants to go into a ministry but, I don't see how that will happen with the way her life is at this time, and I don't know what to say to her when she tells me she trys and it doesn't work out.

Thank you in advance for your help. Needs your help.

SC

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Dear SC,

First: As her marriage stands at this point in time will she ever be able to go to R.C.I.A. and come into full union with the Catholic Church? The answer is "yes." But the marriages would have to be studied to determine the validity of the present situation.

Second: Does she have to give up this last marriage? No. It can be validated by declaration of invalidity of the first three marriages.

Third: Could she go into some form of ministry? Yes. it is possible. "God writes straight with crooked lines!"

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers;

When a Catholic marries a non-baptized person in a civil ceremony and later has the marriage blessed, the marriage is still not a sacrament, correct?

If the un-baptized person enters the Church, does the marriage them become sacramental?

Thank you.

Ila

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Ila,

When an illicit marriage is rectified in the Church it becomes a sacrament for the Catholic partner. Likewise when an unbaptized person is later admitted into the Church that marriage also becomes sacramental, provide there are on other circumstances which would render the marriage invalid.

For Catholics and Orthodox Christians marriage is a sacrament, but not for Protestants or non-Christians,.

It is generally agreed that sacraments originate in the Bible, and in particular in the words and deeds of Jesus.

During the Protestant Reformation there was an effort to "purify" the Church of practices, doctrines, and rituals that were thought to be departures from the clear teachings and traditions of the Bible. Christians universally agree that Baptism and the Eucharist were specifically initiated by Christ. Baptism and Communion were central and distinguishing marks of the Christian church from the time of Jesus forward.

The seven sacraments were not clearly enumerated by the Church until the Council of Trent, when marriage was declared a sacrament. Protestants continued to recognize only two sacrament Baptism and Eucharist.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Fathers:

My fiance is divorced, they were married in the United methodist Church, his ex-wife was married and divorced, before. Would his marriage be considered invalid, since his ex was married before? Can you help get us an annulment?

Ann

Fr. Harold Danielson tresponds:

Dear Ann,

The Catholic Church makes rules for its own members only. The Church [that is we all: the community of the specially called disciples of Jesus] respects, honors, holds sacred, valid and true all marriages of not-Catholic persons done according to law and custom, unless it is proven that their marriages were not valid.

The specific rules are set only so that the community of Church, observing the external circumstances, can see the Sacrament of Matrimony happen. Of course, no one can look into the mind and heart of those celebrating. The Church only knows what their real intentions were by observing what happens afterward.

The few regulations are just three: man and woman spouses, two witnesses, and the official representative of the people of the Church, a deacon or priest.

So to reply to your questions a few things need to be clarified for your situation. Is your fiancé a Catholic? If he is, then a marriage in another Church community is simply not a true marriage, no matter what the previous background of the spouse. If he is not a Catholic, then one would have to find out if the other spouse was Catholic. If so, the same thing applies. If he is not Catholic and the spouse is not Catholic, then these questions would go back to the first spouse. All of these things will be sorted out when you approach your parish priest, and he guides you in obtaining the pertinent documents to present to the local diocesan church Tribunal.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Hello,

I just got into a relationship with a guy and we are both 19, I teach Sunday School at my church and my students just completed their first reconciliation, this had me think a lot about the sacraments and I find myself with a few questions. This guy is not Catholic and I know he would not convert, I am not sure if he will be the one I marry but one day I hope to be married in a Catholic church and complete the sacrament of marriage, if he's not Catholic does that mean I can't get married in the Catholic church? I used to think that my religion could never make things complicated but now it is, I want my children to be baptized too but that's a whole other story.

Thanks,

Isabel

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Isabel,

It is always better for Catholics to marry Catholics to preserve the faith and instruct the children properly. However, there are many cases of good marriages which are of mixed faith. But pray for a partner who will share your values, since greater peace and harmony will result.

You can get married in the Catholic Church with a non-Catholic provided he accept your position and allows marriage in the Catholic Church by a priest or deacon. He also must allow the children to be baptized.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers,

I am not Catholic. However, I am a strong believer in Christ and the resurrection but never found a church that fit. I was raised in a non-denominational Christian faith and was baptized as an adult at a protestant non-denominational church. I was married to a Catholic in a protestant church. We divorced, but neither us remarried. 12 years later after our divorce, I took care of my ex when he was dying of cancer for the last year of his life. He died 3 years ago.

I met another man who is Roman Catholic shortly after my ex's death. His background is that he was previously married to a Catholic woman for 10 years. They were married at a college chapel by a priest. She was 21 and he was 27. They had a child in year 5 of their marriage. She started having an affair with a married man in year 8 of their marriage. His ex continued the secret affair until they divorced just short of their 10 year anniversary. The ex admitted and flaunted the 2-year affair after the divorce was final. The ex-wife married her lover in a civil marriage within 6 months of her lover obtaining his divorce. They are still married today about 5 years later.

Here's the issue, after 3 years of being with my boyfriend/fiance, we would like to get married. We are patient people who can wait to actually legally get married but we are very human and are living in sin.

My concerns are for his parents and for him. His parents are very Catholic and getting up there in years. (I recently learned that they take their Easter meal to mass to be blessed.) They like me very much and would like to see us married and I am sure that living in sin saddens them. I am concerned about him because if we get married without a document declaring his first marriage invalid, then it basically harms him by separating him from taking some important sacraments, most notably last rites. This would also trouble his parents greatly. (I understand this to be a really big deal because essentially, he would have no way to be absolved of his sins from the moment of remarriage to when he dies.)

To hope or wish for his ex's death no matter how self-centered and difficult she has been, seems like a sin in itself. I do not wish it for the child's sake and well frankly my conscience sake as well.

There was no drug or alcohol abuse. No affair or previous marriage was in affect at the time when their first marriage occurred. A priest married them and I must assume that the church gave permission to marry in a chapel.

The only thing which I can think of that was present at the time of their marriage and frankly still present that his family talks about is that the ex-wife was and is very self-centered and immature. She certainly had no intentions of raising their son Catholic since the father had to insist on getting him baptized and since the divorce the child has not been to mass unless his father takes him which is rare. They live over 300 miles apart. However, determining whether someone was mature enough to understand the full permanence and responsibilities of marriage is highly subjective.

I feel that we are caught between a rock and a hard place. Is there any hope of obtaining a document declaring the marriage null? I know the ex-wife will fight having the first marriage nullified because she doesn't value having a marriage blessed by the church and because she would not benefit since her current husband is divorced without nullification documents.

Secondly, is it true that I have been released spiritually from my first marriage to marry a Catholic?

If we are denied nullification of his first marriage, what are our best options given the realism of human weaknesses of the flesh. On some level, I could remain living in sin but as strange as this sounds, I have been getting a strong urge or internal push to get married after all these years. FYI-physically there is no chance of pregnancy so it is not a biological timeclock going off.

Finally, as a general question, is there a way for a non-catholic to wed a Catholic and have their marriage sanctified by the Catholic Church? If so, what must occur for that to happen? I want his parents to be at peace with regards to their son.

Please advise.

Thanks,

Teresa

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Teresa,

You seem to have all the facts, clearly stated.

"Secondly, is it true that I have been released spiritually from my first marriage to marry a Catholic?"

Your question is simple to answer. Since your first husband was Catholic, but married out of the Church, his marriage was considered invalid,and ifhe is deceased, that itself releases you.

Other parts of the case are not so simple to resolve.

Your proposed.marriage would require an annulment.You would have to speak to an informed priest,or the diocesan tribunal to present the case.

Theoretically an annulment can be given notwithstanding objections of one of the partners.

My prayers are with you,

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers,

I was an agnostic for fourteen years, even though I was baptized in the Presbyterian church. After falling away from belief in God and Christ, I was married and divorced three times. During the third, I was converted to Catholicism, BUT, the priest failed to do anything about my two previous marriages, telling me to forget them and not mention them to the Church. This marriage also ended in divorce, even though I wanted us to go to counseling. My still agnostic husband had commited adultery and refused to continue the marriage, as he said he would always be sleeping with other women.

Now, I find out that technically, I was never a Catholic, as my two previous marriages had been ignored.

Now, I so completely want to rejoing the Catholic Church. I now know a lot about the Church that I was never told in my original teaching about the Catholic church. Also I am remarried, by a Baptist minister to a baptized Christian, but not Catholic, and I thought I was a Catholic at the time.

Now, the deacon in the church I have been attending, but not taking communion, has basically said that my case is next to hopeless. I had no information about the three previous husbands. I have been on the internet, have found two of them, one being deceased. I am having trouble finding the third, even though my daughter is his child and received a Christmas card from him, but threw the envelope away. I only know that he is now a Canadian citizen living in Vancouver.

I do not understand why the three marriages, having been performed when I and my husbands were agnostics, require annulment and not just the sacrament of reconciliation. My current husband and I are quite happy and commited to each other, ever though we are beyond the physical expression of our love, due to health and age.

IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR ME? I have been feeling Jesus's call back to Catholicism, and of course the Eucharist, and I cried for two days when the deacon said that my situation was next to hopeless.

Thank you,

Linda

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Linda,

What situations we human beings find ourselves in!

I disagree with your second sentence about technically not being a Catholic. I think technically you did become a Catholic when you made your Profession of Faith in the Catholic Church. You were outside the other Sacraments because of previous marriages. You were not outside of the Church. In that situation we are just invited to straighten things out in order to be in full unity with the community of disciples of Jesus [the Church].

This community [the Church], as a people of faith, believes in the teachings of the Bible. Thus it believes that marriage is a natural relationship between male and female persons which is a one-on-one life time project. And what God has united, no one on earth can divide. This is the underlying principle. We human beings being limited creatures sometimes do things without much thought or for incorrect reasons or without sufficient knowledge, or because we are forced into something, and so on. So, the Church with its Divine Founder, considers itself competent to evaluate unions to see if all the relevant foundations were present to make a marriage not valid. This is the point. If something essential to make a marriage true is missing, then the Church can declare that it was not real at the beginning. This would be a Decree of Nullity.

Coming back to your situation, the main thing will be to investigate your first marriage particularly. So, from your letter, was one of the two ex-spouses you were able to locate the first one? This is what a Diocesan Tribunal would look at first.

At first sight, what your parish Deacon told you is a summary statement - but without all the circumstances at hand. And even if so, there is still a centuries-old solution, which by your own phrasing seems already to be in practice. If under the advice of your spiritual director or confessor, you promise to live "as brother and sister" refraining from consummating your union with full sexual intercourse, then you can meet Jesus in the Sacrament of Reconciliation and be consumed by Him in His Body and Blood in Communion.

All of this, of course, you should share with your confessor and follow his directives.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

On April 14, we received this questions:

My Catholic son married a non-Catholic in a Catholic ceremony. They moved to a city where her mother lived and she started taking instructions with some Nuns there. I will add here that her father called her from Florida every night without fail. She soon stopped taking the instructions and they later moved back to our town.

She had a baby boy and he was baptized using Catholic sponsors who divorced soon after and no one knows where they are. My son and his family moved to Florida to work for the daughter's father when the little boy was about 5 at the insistence of her father. They were there 6 months when my son's wife went home at lunch,leaving my son at work, called the Deputy Sherrif and had my son served with divorce papers.She made sure that she had extablished residency there.

It nearly killed my son, first of all, because he did not know why in the world she was doing it, and 2nd, because she was taking his light of the world, his son, away from him. She had him kicked out of the house that afternoon. She married soon after the divorce and moved away to north Florida with her son and her new husband. Since my son had been working for his wife's father, he had to find a new job and a new place to live. He managed somehow with the help of some of his friends and later met a nice lady friend that understood him and she invited him into her bed. Very soon they talked of getting married. So they married in the "Heart to Heart Chapel in what my son says was a civil ceremony. Are those places usually civil ceremonies?

I thought in viewing the video that at the end, at the very last the vow administrator said something about the Methodist Church offhand. I am concerned that, if my son does apply for and gets an annulment, what would he have to do to be able to begin practicing his Catholic faith again. Could this civil marriage simply be blessed by our minister or would more have to be done? He already is against even an annulment because he says that he would consider his son a bastard. I thought that if I could help relieve his mind about not actually having to go thru another marriage ceremony, he would agree to file for an annulment.

If there is some way that I could get him to let me watch the video again, but I feel sure he would suspect something and it would ruin everything.

Could you give a scenerio both ways? With a possible mention of the Methodist and also with out the mentionof the Methodist, in case I could have misunderstood. I would be ever so grateful.

a concerned mom.

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Concerned Mom:

Your son, as a Catholic, was married twice out of the Church, so both marriages though civic, are invalid. His son would not be considered a bastard.

Civil or Methodist, the marriage would be easily invalidated, without the process of annulment.

Your son should take his papers to the local priest to obtain freedom for Catholic marriage (even if his bride is not Catholic,) so as to be free to receive the sacraments.

Also, any reason why your son could not sue his first wife for visiting rights to his son?

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers,

My wife and I were married in a civil ceremony. My wife and I were both raised Catholic. My wife had been previously married to a Christian, non-Catholic in a civil ceremony. My wife’s first marriage produced two children, who I am now helping to raise.

It is my hope to return to the church, attend mass receive the sacraments and either have our marriage recognized or receive the sacrament of marriage in the church, and introduce my step children the catholic teachings and have them receive the sacraments.

Is it possible to have this marriage recognized by the church or marry in the church?

Thank you,

Bill

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Bill,

It is fairly easy to repair the damage!

Her first marriage would be invalid. (Catholic married out of the Church)

See your local parish priest about convalidating your present union. then the rest of the sacraments would open to you.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers,

I am turning to you so that some light and relief may be shed upon me. I have recently met a wonderful man who lives an hour away from me. Both of us are Catholic. As all couples do we got into the topic of "family" his family members names he was mentioning sounded very familiar to me. I found it odd that we might know the same people. So we called his Grandfather and drew put a family tree on both of our sides and came to the conclusion that we are fourth cousins. My family is very religous and has very strong values. My question is this: is it morally correct to date a 4th cousin in the Catholic Church's eyes? Is this a sin? Please give me some advice.

Sincerly,

G

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear G,

Give praise to God that you have connected to such a wonderful person in your life! The Church [i.e. the called-together community of disciples of Jesus] has learned over centuries what human beings learned over millennia: that marriage unions of close relatives sometimes are not good for the transmissions of the best genes and human heritage.

So our community of Church has also a set of "laws" governing this situation. Thus normally marriage of first cousins is not recommended, though for particular serious reasons the Church through the Bishops may dispense of this "impediment." Fourth cousins are way out of this dimension. Therefore you may pursue this relationship with openness to the call of the Lord in your life. Remember that in this "people of the Way" [term in the Acts of the Apostles], the call to marriage in the Sacrament of the Church is truly a vocation in the fullest sense responding to God's love by loving one another and walking with Jesus to the final goal.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers:

Bless you for your interesting and instructive ministry! I hope you can help me sort out my life!

I was born and raised a Catholic. Throughout college in the 60's, I had a Catholic boyfriend--but our seven year relationship simply didn't lead to marriage. I fell in love with a divorced man who offered love, stability, and who wanted a family. We have been married now for 35 years and have good, beautiful children.

I have not been "in communion" with the Catholic Church for many years--and now that I am in my 60s, in touch with my mortality, I would like to have reconciliation with the Church.

My husband was baptized as an Episcopalian--and not until after we married (my fault for not asking),learned HE had been married IN the Catholic Church to a Catholic in 1965. At the time, I must say, I was comfortable marrying a divorced man.

What now are my options? Will I ever be able to have my marriage blessed? Will I ever be able to receive the sacraments? We have had no contact with the ex-wife for 35 years--don't know where she lives, remarried, name, alive, etc. My husband is 66 years old.

I want to "come home." Can you put me on a path to find my way?

Thank you.

Ramona

Fr. Harold responds:

Dear Ramona,

The nudging of the Holy Spirit in our lives is indeed extraordinary! The desire to "come home" is now your response to that movement of the Spirit in your life.

What to do?! First of all is simply to begin to participate at Sunday Eucharist on a regular basis. Yes, technically you shouldn't receive Communion yet. But you should begin a conversation with the priest about your situation. Please do not do this the first time you see him. Go the Sunday Mass, or even daily Masses; say hello to him; introduce yourself; register in the parish; then make an appointment to set your situation clear for help to come fully into communion with the Church.

Probably there will be some research to do. If perhaps your husband's ex-wife may be deceased, then he is free and so are you to enter the Sacrament of Marriage. If she is still living, and you have found her, the Diocesan Tribunal may start an enquiry about that long ago marriage. If, instead, despite the commercials first for Viagra and now for Cialis hammered at us all the time, you are not that drawn into sexual union so much, you could decide to live "as brother and sister" as many have done through the centuries.

All of this you can clarify in discussions with your parish priest and local Tribunal.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers,

I was baptized as a baby in a Lutheran church and raised as a non-denominational Christian. I got married at 19 at our mutual non-denominational church and less than three years later my husband was sleeping with a co-worker; I have always been taught that committing adultery was the only acceptable reason I could file for a divorce and I did. My boyfriend has been raised Catholic and cannot imagine having anything other than a Catholic wedding. His family doesn't know I've been married before and would be beside themselves if we weren't wed in a Catholic ceremony. My questions are as follows: Will the Catholic Church allow me to marry a second time? Will I need to become a practicing Catholic in order to be married in the Catholic Church?

Thanks,

H

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Dear H,

You don't need to be a practicing Catholic to be married in the Catholic Church.

But you will need, in addition to your divorce papers, a declaration of nullity of your first marriage from the Catholic Tribunal.

Speak to a local Catholic priest who can guide you through the process.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Fathers,

First of all I want to say thank you for having this helpful feature on your website. The more it makes me want to get married at your church as you seem to really want to help/support your community. I am engaged but my fiance and I decided to have the wedding in two years to give us time to save up for a nice wedding and for our future of course. If money wasn't an issue we'd get married right now, too bad that's not possible. My fiance and I have been together for almost five years and we are both ready to spend the rest of our lives together and of course receive God's blessing even though we are both kind of young still (I'm 24 and my fiance will turn 22 this April) Anyway, here are my questions: I read on your website that weddings are held on Saturdays, however, we were really hoping to get married on Oct. 14, 2011 which is a Friday because Oct. 14 is our anniversary and it would make our wedding extra special if it took place on that day (also, we hate to change our anniversary date). Is it possible to have our wedding at your church on a Friday, or weddings are strictly held on Saturdays only? I would really love to get married at your church even though we're not parishioners. Actually, we're not registered to any parish even though we go to church regularly. If we can't have the wedding at your church on that day we might have to look for a different church where a wedding on a Friday is allowed and that would make me so sad... My second question is, in case we do decide to have our wedding there, and you mentioned that slots fill up quickly and that we have to contact your church early, is one year enough time? Or is that too early? I'm just planning ahead, so when the time comes, I know what to do. And lastly, both me and my fiance are practicing Catholics and are in fact, members of a Catholic community/group, but I was never confirmed. Would that keep me from getting married, do I have to get confirmed before the wedding or can I get married even if I haven't had my confirmation yet?

Thank you so much,

Janina

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Janina,

For a variety of reasons, couples come to Sts. Peter & Paul to get married. You must schedule very far ahead of time. So putting an October 2011 wedding in the calendar is quite possible. And the marriage preparation can begin soon.

Most weddings occur on Saturdays, mostly because of custom - work days, and so on. However, marriages may occur on any day of the week [except Sunday because of the crowded schedule]. Friday, early afternoon is OK.

You are practicing Catholics. You should seek out a parish where you attend regularly and register. Sunday Eucharist is the most observable sign of living our Faith sincerely. With a wedding scheduled for fall of 2011, you still have lots of time to join a Confirmation preparation program. Speak to those heading up that ministry in your parish. Being confirmed is not essential to getting married, but it is important for persons practicing their Faith.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Hi Father,

I am currently engaged to a wonderful and supportive man that is of the lutheran religion.

My first husband died suddenly a little over a year ago and my fiance has been my safety net and My children's lifeline since the day My late husband was rushed to the hospital.

To make a long story short, My Fiance was previously married at the young age of 18 , basically because he thought he loved this woman and by the time he realized that he didn't want to be marry her, they were at the justice of the peace being married. He remianed married to her for about 14 years before he left Kansas and her to start a new life in Pennsylvania.

He is currently getting a divorce and we would like to remarry in the Catholic Church. He would also like to become a Full Catholic by going through the RCIA process. I have been told by My pastor that even though his marriage took place in a civil union and not a Christian ceremony, that the Catholic Church still recognizes their union and therefore must seek an annullment.

We would like to get married in a little over a year, and I am willing to get married in a civil ceremony if the annulment process doesn't allow for the preparation time neccessary to have a Catholic Wedding at that time. I would like to have it blessed in the church as soon as is possible after Our Orginal Wedding.

Please help. are there any loopholes, that may help this process, and I might be able to get married in the Church next year at this time?

Thank you

Yvonne

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Yvonne,

In the Providence of God, the Lord brings good things out of devastating situations. You are going through this now.

Some questions have arisen in my mind and some things to recommend too. First off, perchance is the ex-wife of your fiancé a Catholic? Then the declaration of invalidity is simple. Also you said your fiancé is Lutheran. Was he baptized? Sometimes if the family is not greatly practicing a child is not baptized. This leads me to the recommendation. Have you been in contact with a priest helping you to prepare for the Tribunal process? You can begin the preparation and some of the things you need to collect even before the decree of final dissolution comes. Of course, this can be presented only after the divorce decree is in hand, but you can be ready.

The question I have for this prior readiness is simply: did he express to anyone his misgivings about marrying his girl friend before actually going to the justice of the peace? If he has witnesses to this effect, it makes it more clear for the Tribunal officials.

Friends of mine years ago had this. The groom had told a couple of friends of his that he really did not want to marry the bride, but that since everything was prepared he went through with it. The bride told me after he left her that she had thought they were married; but she knew that if he did not want to do that, then it really was not a marriage. Her case went through the Tribunal process in reasonable time.

The source of our strength as Catholic Christians is the Eucharist. So Sunday Eucharist is really the most obvious way we become light in the world as Jesus expects us to be. Even if certain situations keep us technically away from Communion, nevertheless being part of the worshiping community is most helpful for our daily life. It is wonderful that your fiancé is thinking of seeking full communion with the Catholic Church. What graces are upon you and your children as you accompany him on that journey!

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Hi,

I was so thankful to find your website. I have some questions and have not yet found a friendly place to ask them. My local church is large and well... somewhat unfriendly.

The situation is a bit complicated- my boyfriend and I would like to get married in the Catholic church, but we fear there may be more than a few things standing in our way. Alternatively, we are considering a civil ceremony, but there are of course spiritual reasons as well as family ones for not making that my first choice. Neither of us have been married before.

My boyfriend is Catholic and from a strong Catholic family, however I am in a somewhat interesting situation. My father was from Ireland and Catholic, my mother is American and Protestant. It was a second wedding (both were divorced) for both of them and they had a civil ceremony in the USA. They were married for over 40 years until my father's death two years ago. My mother lives back in Ireland now and is older and cannot travel easily. She would be very happy to see me married in the church because my relatives are all Catholic and she knows it would make the family happy. They are very kind to her even though it is a border area and there are not a lot of Protestents around and the whole history with that is a bit rough there. She never converted to Catholicism but she worships in a Catholic church and is made very welcome. My father was buried with a Catholic ceremony.

I never had first communion nor confirmation, although I was taken to Church regularly. My parents because of their differing faiths wanted me to make my own choice as I got older. It will me take a year or more to get through the classes in our parish and to be able to fully "convert" to Catholicism depending on whether or not my baptism is recognized... here is where things start to get sticky-- I do not know if my baptism was "legal" or not. It was a lay baptism, done in good faith by the grandmother of my mother's good friend, performed because I was a 7 month old unbaptized infant about to undertake a long journey, and the woman feared that if I got sick I would die unbaptized. There was reason to worry as I had been born prematurely. She was from Poland and had been through WWII, seeing a lot of children die- I think her heart was in the right place. Clearly there is no record of this, nor do I know if the Church recoginzes lay baptisms even in case of "emergency".

I have considered myself a Catholic all my life even though I guess have not been formally part of the Church since I cannot take communion. I'm 34 years old and delaying the marriage for nearly two years so I can get through conversion is not a very tempting option at the moment especially if we are to be blessed with healthy children... but if my Catholic baptism is recognized, I have to do that. If it is not recognized, then I STILL cannot be married in the church because I will be considered unbaptized.

All these complications are starting to pressure us toward looking at a civil ceremony...We do not want to get married in the USA because our relatives who we would like to attend are either in Ireland (my family) or Spain (his family)and they do not have the finances to come all the way here to California, and/or thier children are too small to travel, and/or they are too old and sick to travel so far. We looked into getting married (in church) in Ireland (assuming I can meet the conditions outlined in my problems above) but the marriage license restrictions there would require us to be there longer than we can leave our jobs for.

The simplest thing for us would be to have a small civil ceremony in the USA and have the actual celebration of it (hopefully with a blessing by a priest) in Ireland. I am not sure how I feel about this. Would such a marriage be valid in the eyes of the Church?

Perplexedly yours,

Catherine

Fr. Harold answers:

Dear Catherine,

Our human stories are wonderful, sometimes a bit complicated, at the same time showing how answering the Lord's call brings us to Himself in the community of the disciples of Jesus [Church].

First off, you were baptized by an elderly friend out of loving concern for your own safety as an infant. A Baptism in such a situation is fully recognized by the Church. Your mother is still living and can testify to this circumstance. Technically, an infant baptized in such an emergency would have the rest of the Baptism ceremonies done at a suitable time. Ordinarily a parent would have notified the parish priest who would do this and also record the Baptism in the proper register. These things weren't done, but the Baptism remains valid and true. So, a good thing for you to do is join a parish program of Sacraments preparation for Communion and Confirmation.

Separate from the above is entering into marriage and celebrating this in the Catholic Church. It is possible to have a Catholic wedding even though one of the spouses may not be a Catholic or even not-baptized. My grandmother married my grandfather who was not a Catholic. My mother married my father who was not a Catholic. Thus you can do your marriage preparation aside from (or along with) your preparation for the other Sacraments.

You are traveling to Ireland so that your mother can be at your wedding. That is beautiful! Residence requirements vary in different places. So a practical manner of approaching this is precisely what you have proposed: a civil ceremony here, the religious ceremony there [technically a convalidation]. One thing to keep in mind when you are living you Faith to the fullest: a civil ceremony does not make you truly married; only the religious one does. So hold off on marriage privileges until you consummate your Sacrament.

Depending on how many days you can get off from work, why not do the official religious Catholic ceremony in Ireland, then go to Spain and have a big celebration of renewal of your vows. Both families get to be involved.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

P.S. Your mother goes to the Catholic Church among friends. There is nothing preventing her also from entering the Church officially. A few years ago when I was pastor of a parish in Watsonville, California, we had a Christian initiation class in which three of the participants were over 80 years old at the time. They were a wonderful, excited group full of childlike joy!

On March 24-25, we received these questions:

dear father,

i have a problem.i was married 5 years ago in civil but seperated very soon after. im a filipina and his a chinese, his family decided to get back and stay for good in china. but i don't want to come with him, after that no communacation until now. i can't understand what happen to that marriage.. coz the one who processing, that we can get married is there atty.. 3 years ago i meet the atty. and ask her if our wedding is legal she said yes.. sometimes im thinking that is fake., some of my friends said that civil wedding is valid only for 2 years.. is that true??

because now i have a boyfriend and we planning to get married soon... but i didn't tell him that i was marriage in civil before...you think that a legal? i have a record in registry? what im going to do..? i'll waiting for reply advise...thank you..

Nizha

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Nizha,

A civil marriage is leally valid until a decree of divorce is issued.

You have an obligation to let your boyfriend know of the situation. Entering a second marriage could lead you to being charged with bigamy.

You probably have a chance to have the first marriage annulled. If you were not married in the Catholic Church, your first marriage could also be declared invalid.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

I was raised Catholic and continue to attend church services and hold to the Catholic tradition. In June of 2005 I married my ex wife who was also Catholic in a Catholic Church. A year later, I relocated with her to Texas for my employer and things didn't turn out well for our marriage. I tried to make things work for one full year including counseling but she simply did not want to remain with me and had found a new partner. We divorced in 2008.

While in Texas, I met a girl who is Baptist and who was raising a 1 year old little boy by herself. We fell in love and have been together for about a year and a half now. About a year or so ago the father of the boy started coming back into his life (once a month visitation basis). He resides in Texas as well.

One month ago, my corporate headquarters relocated me once again back to my hometown of Chicago. My girlfriend and I and her son were ready to move and we were going to move and once we moved to Chicago we were going to start looking into how we could get married in a Catholic ceremony. Our plan was to find out if my previous marriage could be annuled and if we could get married ina Catholic ceremony a year from now or so. She is willing to accept the Catholic faith and we wanted to raise her little boy and any children that we may have in the future according to the Catholic tradition.

As it turns out, the biological father has taken a greater interest in his son lately, I believe it is for all the wrong reasons (out of jealousy and for the sake of his family - grandparents) but be that as it may, he has filed a child custody suit asking for our little boy to stay in Texas if his mother moves to Chicago. She has remained in Texas while I am now working in Chicago until this situation is resolved.

Our attorney has made it very clear that if she moves to Chicago with me as a "girlfriend" or "fiance" she may lose custody, however she is guaranteed to win the case if she is my wife. We are not looking to allienate the biological father's ability to see or know his son and will make every attempt to make visitation easy. However, my family life is now going to progress and grow in Chicago, therefore we are getting married by a judge at the end of this month in order to allow my future wife and her son to move and join me in Chicago.

My questions include: Can my previous marriage be annuled and can we still get married in a Catholic ceremony after the annulement, say one year from now even though we are getting married by a judge at the end of this month. Regardless of the answers to the two previous questions, can her son and our future children ever be raised according to the Catholic tradition?

Thank you so much for your time.

Bart

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Bart,

Her son and your future children could always be raised in the Catholic faith. Make sure they have good mentors.

There is also possibility of an annulment for your first marriage.

A civil union could then be regularized by the Church, after the required process is complete.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers,

I was raised Catholic and was baptized and confirmed in the Catholic Church, although I have not attended church regularly in some time. My fiance was raised Baptist, but no longer affiliates himself with the Baptist Church and currently attends a nondenominational church. Because he is not Catholic and I have not been attending church regularly, would we be allowed to marry in the Catholic Church? If we have to marry outside the Catholic Church, would our marriage be recognized? Also, when we have children we plan on raising them Catholic. Would they be allowed to be baptized in the Catholic Church (especially if we end up not being married in one) and if they can be, is there anything special we would have to do since the father would not be Catholic? Thank you for your time.

Jennifer

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Jennifer,

Approaching major steps in one's life offers the opportunity to also make very important decisions, particularly in regard to one's faith and its practice as a member of the community of disciples of Jesus [Church]. Thus in taking up the practice of the Faith by first opening yourself again to Jesus in the Sacrament of Reconciliation [Confession] and unity with the community in Sunday Eucharist, you can certainly prepare yourself for the Sacrament of Matrimony in the Catholic Church.

If you choose not to do these things, and get married in a civil or non-denominational ceremony, why would you think it good to baptize your children Catholic when you would not be practicing the Faith yourself? It only makes sense to baptize [as a Catholic] when the child would have a chance to grow up in the practice of the Faith.

These are the things you could be thinking and making decisions about in preparing for marriage. At the same time, getting re-acquainted with your Catholic Faith as an adult, this could be an invitation for your fiancé to investigate the Catholic Church, at the minimum to understand your faith heritage and your efforts to keep connected to it.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Me and my wife were married by the justice of the peace --spur of the moment --we love each other more than life --she's of the Catholic faith, I am not, although I am thinking of converting. We also have a daughter. As soon as I get back home from my tour of duty in Iraq, she will be baptized. What are the rules of me being present if not Catholic?

Thank you,

Corey

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Corey,

Your marriage is not accepted as valid by the Catholic Church, since your wife is a baptized Catholic. That can be taken care of by your local parish (or another Catholic Church, if you prefer) when you return from your tour.

Even if you don't convert, your marriage can be validated, provided it is done by a Catholic minister.

No reason why you could not be present for your daughter's baptism.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers:

I am engaged and the date set for the wedding is May 2, 2009. My fiancé and I have been practicing abstinence in preparation for the wedding…but we have not been perfect. I also stopped taking birth control for the last 9 months, preparing for marriage in the Catholic Church. I recently found out that I am pregnant, about 5 weeks, with 7 weeks left to the wedding.

Can I tell my parents and priest or would this put our ceremony on hold or make it so that we would have to wait to get married? We already have everything in place and would not be able to get refunds on a lot of items purchased already….not to mention the honeymoon reservations.

I appreciate you help,

Robin

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Robin,

No reason to postpone the wedding. But do make a good confession.

And study the Natiural Family Planning method. Seek advice of a competent counsellor.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Hello,

I have an issue that I need help with. I am 30, never married, and was baptized Catholic. My fiancé is 27, Presbyterian, and we will be married in May in her church. My mother and father have said that they cannot attend because it will be a mortal sin. Is this true, and how can I still be married in my fiancé’s church with my parents attending?

Please respond, and this is a dire situation with my family.

Sincerely,

Marc

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Marc,

Your parents would show their disapproval of your marriage by not attending the service, but would not be committing a mortal sin by attending your wedding in a Protestant church.

However, you as a baptized Catholic, are committing a sin by marrying out of the church. The marriage will be civil but would not be recognized by the Catholic Church.

You might consider having a priest and minister together officiate at the service. You would have to speak to your pastor about this.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Fathers:

I am a Baptist and fell inlove with a man who is a closed catholic and we are getting married on the 15th of April here in Philippines. My parents doesnt want me to be baptized as a Catholic, but permitted us to get married at the Roman Catholic Church. The problem is the Parish Priest wants us to secure permission from the Archbishop for the mixed marriage, where the process takes a month or more I guess.. the wedding is only month away.

Then we have this friend who send us to his Priest friend in the City for guidance and to ask also for assistance of course.

The City Priest actually told us that it is not necessary to secure permit from the archbishop, we just have to follow some rules w/c includes I will not be taking the communion, doing the Holy Cross sign and many more. It also includes that if ever we bear childrens they will be raised as Catholics since its one of the rules.

After the talk with the City Priest my fiance immidietly went to our Town Priest and related to him about the discussions made with the City Priest. But Still he wanted us to secure the said permission. Please help us we are already bothered.

thank you

Fr. Harold answers:

Dear Queenzel,

I believe your own parish priest is following the technical procedure of Church law for you to marry a Catholic person in the Catholic Church. You should obtain the permission of the Bishop of the Diocese. It is a mystery to me that this should take more than 3 or 4 days. The parish priest could FAX the request; the diocesan official could authenticate it and FAX it back while putting the original into the mail.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Fathers:

As a young girl, I have always dreamed about getting married in the same Catholic church my parents were married in. I finally met a man who swept me off of my feet. My husband and I decided to get married in Las Vegas in a quickie marriage because he received orders to deploy to Iraq. The problem that I'm having is that my husband was married once before, for close to 10 years. He and his first wife became pregnant in high school, had a child, and their parents felt that the "right" thing to do was have them get married. Their parents made the arrangements and they were married in a Catholic church. Years went by and after serving 1 tour in Iraq, he came home to find that she had been unfaithful. Both decided to try and work things out, only to find out that she continued with the affair for 2 more years, and another tour in Iraq. When he returned home, he divorced her. My question is, does he have grounds for an annullment? I have read that the process can take a while. Can he start the process while deployed or does the correspondence need to be face to face? Any information you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Angel

Fr. Harold answers:

Dear Amber,

What situations we human beings find ourselves in!

The Church [community of disciples of Jesus] wishes to uphold the sanctity and permanence of marriage as desired by God in creating us male and female. When situations arise, the Church seeks to discover if something was missing before the wedding the lack of which actually made the marriage that was supposed to begin invalid. That is the work of the Diocesan Tribunal.

The formal process may be started essentially by anyone getting in contact first with your local Catholic parish priest, and then the Tribunal. Most of it is done through the mail, only later may there be personal contact.

So get started so that you will know if it is possible that you may have a Sacramental marriage with this person. It is important that both persons be truly "free to marry" for a true marriage to begin.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

I am joining the church after my husband's first marriage (he is divorced from his first wife) is annulled. Do I have to dig up our original marriage certificate and produce this for the convalidation proceeding? We were married in a civil ceremony many years ago. I'm not sure where the certificate is...I guess I could get a copy if I had to, but don't know if I need to go to the trouble. What is the church law on this?

Thanks,

Susan

Fr. Malloy answers:

Susan,

Yes, you would need poof of your civil marriage in order to proceed with the convalidation. It should not be too difficult to obtain a copy from the state in which you were married.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Can an ex-Catholic priest (rcvd a dispensation) perform a wedding ceremony? Will it be recognized by the state? Catholic church?

Thank you so much for your assistance with this.

Sincerely,

Judi

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Judi,

A laicized priest may become a marriage commissioner to preside at a civil marriage.

For him to participate at a Catholic Sacramental wedding ceremony, he would need the blessing of the Bishop of the Diocese. He might do a reading while the Deacon or Priest witnesses the wedding promises and gives the nuptial blessing.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Here are all the questions I have. I was baptized luthern took communion at a catholic church but was never confirmed. My parents are catholic and attend chruch everyday. I am engaged to be married. My fiance was baptized baptist but has no paperwork to verfiy. My mom wants us to marry at her catholic church, but neither of us are catholic. If we are married in a civil cermony do we need to go through the classes that both the catholic and luthern churches require? Can we get married at a luthern church, if so what are the requirments.

Thank you in advance for all your help!

Nannette

Fr. Harold answers:

Dear Nannette,

What a set of questions you propose! It shows that you are sincerely looking for the way the Lord is leading you in your life.

Let me see how to lead you through the twisty way of your queries. If you have not ever made your Profession of Faith in the Catholic Church, then it would not be possible to have your wedding in a Catholic parish at this time. Further down the road when you and/or your fiancé formally enters the Church, then you could celebrate your Sacrament of Matrimony in the Catholic parish.

So you would have to not only look up the First Communion records of the parish where that happened to ascertain if [at that time] there was an understanding at the parish and with your parents that First Communion also involved profession of faith in the Church. If this is what happened, then you certainly can get married in the Catholic parish. Your fiancé does not have to become Catholic. If he should some years from now, he can freely do so. Technically you do not have to be confirmed in order to get married. Of course, all Catholics are wholeheartedly encouraged to prepare for and receive Confirmation. This can be done after the marriage, or before.

Speak to your local parish priest about all this.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Fathers:

I have questions regarding annullments. I was married for almost 26 years. He is a Catholic and so am I, and we were married in the Catholic Church. We have three children, all grown.

When we decided to marry, I knew that it would be rocky at best, we didn't have the best 'courtship'. I was the product of two alcoholic parents, both were in their 40's when I was born, so there was somewhat of an 'absentee-parent' syndrome in the home I grew up in. He was an 'only' child for 16 years before his brother was born. I knew when I agreed to marry him, that my parents didn't have long to live, and I was terrified of being alone in the world. My one goal in life at that time in my life (I was only 19), was to have children so that I would have my own 'family', because I was so scared of being alone.

On my wedding night, my husband and I consumated our marriage, and then within a few minutes, he kicked me out of the bed with his feet, saying that I was making him 'hot', and he was sick. (In his defense, he was running fever), but that incident was only the first of many abusive situations throughout our marriage. I became pregnant our first week of marriage. I was hit on and cursed out on a regular basis. I was a people pleaser, and tried so hard to do exactly what he wanted, say exactly what he wanted in order to keep the peace, but he was a very angry person. This type of behavior went on for the first 10 years of our marriage, and we had three children in the first five years of the marriage. Finally, after 10 years, I found my 'backbone' and left him and filed a restraining order. There were several attempts made by both of us to go through marriage counseling, but it always seemed to fail, we would quit going, etc. Always our relationship reverted back to being abusive. After a three month seperation, we went back together. We did seperate probably 5 or 6 times in the first 10 years, for short periods of time.

After the long seperation and the restraining order, he never hit me again, but the verbal abuse never stopped and it was at this point that I began to 'fight' back with verbal abuse, too. I am very ashamed that I acted in this manner, but somehow, it helped me survive emotionally to fight back instead of cowering down. After our youngest child graduated from high school, I divorced my husband. He tried to stop me, begged me to try counseling again, but there had been a couple of years in which he seriously verbally abused our middle daughter which culminated in a rampage on his part, me fighting back and the law being called. He chased me up and down the stairs in our home for about 4 times, yelling and screaming at me the whole time, and I turned and tried to push him out of the door of the bedroom I had walked into trying to escape his verbal abuse, when I did that, the tip of my finger hit his nose and his nose started to bleed. It was not bruised or hurt, other than that I must have hit it just right and it started to bleed inside. With this, he felt justified in calling the law. He told them that I had punched him, which I had not, although I did try to push him out of the room and away from me to escape the yelling, cursing and screaming.

I decided this night that there was nothing more I could do, and I could not live my life this way anymore, the children were grown and I really do just want peace in my life.

I am not looking to remarry at this time and am not seeing anyone, although I did for a brief period of time. He, however, has been seeing the same woman since a month after we seperated. I did receive a civil divorce and we've been apart for 4 years.

Would this situation constitute an annullment? An annullment is really important to me, I have been trying to forgive myself for my part in the failure of the marriage, but in my heart, I know it was doomed before it began, and if not before it began, then definitely from the wedding night on. I felt betrayed, I did not feel cherished and loved, even though he always claimed to 'love' me, he hurt me so much, physically, yes, but the verbal and mental abuse was much worse and much more detrimental to my mental health. I stayed depressed for our entire marriage, and since the day he moved out, I have not had one day of depression. I have had regrets, however, because I don't feel like I'm accepted by my church, and that is very important to me. I took the children to church and raised them in church, he rarely came to mass with us, it was usually just me and the children. And now, I go alone, but I want to really Celebrate the Mass and belong, and I don't feel as though I do.

Is it possible to get a marriage like this annulled?

Lori:

Fr Harold answers:

Dear Lori,

I have let your letter be mulled over by my sub-conscious for a few days already. I shall try to give you some things to think about.

First of all, regarding a "Declaration of Nullity" [the technical term used by the Church, to not give the impression of the word "annulment" implying an action upon an existing marriage], this declaration is a statement that the marriage did not exist in the first place. You would have to present your situation to your Diocesan Tribunal. At first glance it seems to me you might have "grounds" [fundamental reasons], but that is the task of the Tribunal to evaluate. See your parish priest to begin this process. It is good to do this now before you enter a relationship with anyone so that you know for yourself that you are a "free" person.

Your last few sentences really distressed me. What a misunderstanding you are living under if you have the impression that the Church is not accepting you! There are certainly some things for which a formal excommunication or an automatic excommunication might happen. Getting divorced is NOT one of them. Getting re-married after a divorce makes the spouses outside the practice of the Sacraments, but they are in no way excommunicated. In fact the Church bends over backwards [so to say] to get them back into the Sacraments by getting things worked out, and even if that becomes not possible to have an open invitation to celebrate Sunday Eucharist with the parish community even if they should not go to Communion.

Being divorced and not re-married, is not a hindrance to the Sacraments nor to full participation at Mass and Communion. I am totally surprised and distressed that anyone might think this about the Church community. I have personal experience in this. My mother divorced my father when I was two years old with a younger brother. The parish priest paid her rent for a few months till she got on her feet [at age 22]. She always knew she was part of the community of practicing Catholics. We always went to Sunday Mass and parochial school. Confession and Communion were part of our lives. Conclusion: there is nothing at all preventing you from going to Confession [Sacrament of Reconciliation], then going to Mass and Communion every Sunday, or even more often. Join some parish group: altar society, St. Vincent de Paul Society, Legion of Mary, or whatever is available.

If, perhaps, after all the technical investigation, the Tribunal sends you a "Declaration of Nullity", then you can even be open to the possibility of getting married - even in the Church. You are mid-40's which is still comparatively young, it is not uncommon that such a man may be there, open to the Lord's call, and you could answer that call together.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Father Malloy,

On Jan 8th, you answered a question from Judy in Dallas regarding her son and his wife getting their kids baptized in the Catholic Church.

As part of the answer, you wrote if the wife was not Catholic, her previous marriage must be annuled. My question is, why?

If the initial marriage was not Catholic, and the second marriage that produced the child to be baptized was not Catholic, why must the first marriage be annuled?

My ex-husband married a Catholic woman in a non-Catholic service. They are expecting their first child, and they wish to have their child baptized in the Catholic Church. Why does his previous marriage to me, which was done through the UCC, have to be annuled for their child to be baptized in the Catholic Church? I've been asked to write a letter to assist in this process. Why do I need to write a letter, and what do you suggest that I share about our divorce?

Thank you,

Leslie

Fr. John Malloy responds:

Leslie,

Civil marriages (Catholic or non-Catholic) are held to be valid, unless there are grounds for annulment.

Two non-Catholics have their marriage validated by their civil union. The Church recognizes that marriage and it can annul the union if one of the parties is incompetent or decides to join the Church.

Your ex-husband married a Catholic woman in a non-Catholic service. Since the woman was Catholic, the marriage is invalid. (no annulment is needed)

If the wife's first marriage was between herself and a non-Catholic, and the marriage was recognized as valid by the Catholic Church, she needs the annulment of that first marriage for her to marry a Catholic.

If I understand your case: Your ex-husband had a valid first marriage (in which case an annulment is needed).Then he married a Catholic in an invalid ceremony. Since both parents are non-practicing Catholics, a baby would not be baptized in the Catholic Church unless there was some security that the child would be raised Catholic.

The letter I suggest is one assuring the priest that the child will be raised Catholic and: how that will take place. If the grandparents are Catholic and can take some responisibly, that would help...

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Sir,

I am a Catholic married civilly only to a Catholic woman for ten years. We have three children. About two years ago, I was away and she became pregnant but I was not the father of the baby she bore. She initially told me that it was mine because she could visit me once in a while. However, since I am a nurse, I noticed that the numbers don't add up when I compute for the expected date of delivery. Meaning, she lied to me about the specifics of the dates of conception. After a while, many gossips began to arrive and to make the story short, I found out through my relatives, as well as my wifes admission that I was not the father. So, we got separated. I have forgiven her already but I do not believe that we cannot live together anymore as a family because of the voluminous deceptions that she has done to me and my extended family. I have physical custody of the children because my wife has no means to provide for them.

Then, i fell in love with a single Baptist woman. I disclosed everything to her from day one. I intend to file for legal action to maintain custody of the children as well as to file for annulment for me to be free from committing any wrongdoing should I decide to ask for the Baptist woman to marry me. However, she disclosed to me crudely about a dilemma with regards to her beliefs about marrying an annulled man. What will I do since its not easy to find a single woman who can accept my marriage proposal in spite of my having extra baggage (having children). I do love her so much already and i will do anything and everything to convince her that there is a way for us to marry.

Please help me find a way to resolve this issue. I'm having a very hard time finding ways and means to resolve this issue. Also, I'm running out of time because, I'm in my late forties already.

I hope and pray for your sound advise that would help me solve the dilemma that I am into right now. I am very thankful that there exists a website that helps people like me who have concerns like these. It not easy to find people like you who have time and desire to help with utmost sincerity.

Thank You.

Sincerely,

Jon

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Jon,

You need a legal divorce and an annulment . A Baptist has no religious prohibition from a second legal marriage but you have to respect her feelings, of course, and pray for a change of heart.

Your prime concern, however, should be your children. Would a second "mother" help or confuse them? You may have to wait until the children are old enough to care for themselves.

May God give you wisdom and peace of heart.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

My husband and I are both catholics though we moved about 5 years ago and we have strayed a bit from the church our beliefs are still the same. We were married 18 years ago by a civil cerromony and we have always wanted to have our marriage blessed through the church though I have not recieved my confirmation I always thought that this sacrament was mandatory to recieve the the sacrament of marriage. Is this true?

Kathy

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Kathy,

To have your marriage blessed in the Church it is important that you be confirmed, but not essential.

You should enroll in an RCIA program in your local parish to prepare to receive the sacrament of Confirmation.

By promising to return to the practice of your faith: going to Sunday mass and promising to go to confession, your local priest should have no problem in having your marriage blessed.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers,

My son and his fiancee are getting married in an outdoor ceremony at the same place that the reception is being held. The venue gave them a list of officiants to contact, including Catholic priests.

Does the church recognize the marriage if it is held outdoors, or do they need to have a ceremony held in a church in order for it to be recognized. They aready went to the parish priest to setup for the Pre Cana and plan to have a small ceremony in the church the day before the outdoor ceremony, if need be.

Is this necessary? They would rather not do that if they could avoid it.

Thank you,

Nancy

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Nancy,

This is a matter for the local bishop's office to answer, since the permission requested would have to come from there.

See that the Catholic priest has faculties to bless a marriage in the outdoor ceremony you described.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Fathers,

My husband is a “cradle Catholic” and I am baptized as a Baptist but have faithfully attended church with my husband for the nearly 18 years we’ve been legally married by a Baptist pastor, as this was a promise I made prior to getting married. We were both previously divorced and brought two children each to the marriage. Together we have a 12 year old son. All five children have been raised as Catholics, either from birth or following attendance of RCIA classes. Recently, the time was right to have our previous marriages annulled and our annulments were recently granted. Thus, on Monday, January 26, our 18th anniversary, we will have our marriage blessed in the Church. Our four oldest children will serve as witnesses and our youngest will do a reading. We will dress in coordinating street attire and only a few friends and family will be in attendance. The service will be short and will not be a Mass (though I don’t understand why not). Members of the choir will perform a medley of our favorite “Catholic Top 40” songs J that have significance to us pertaining to the various life events we’ve experienced in 18 years, as well as a medley of traditional religious songs for our non-Catholic guests and the contemporary “Lord, I Lift Your Name On High, “ for our contemporary kids. What suggestions do you have for a reading or a ritual that is customary for a marriage blessing? Our priest has been very helpful but I would like some additional input. Thank you so much.

Sincerely,

Cindy

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Cindy,

Congratulations to you and your family!

The process for a “convalidation” or blessing in the Church in entering into the Sacrament of Matrimony can be as grand or as small as you want. Some of the expectations of the Church for engaged couples may be overlooked for a couple in your circumstances. The general ritual or ceremony is given in the liturgical books, again with a variety of selections, extended or shortened according to your wishes with the deacon or priest who is the official Church witness to the marriage. I think the medley of music you are preparing is very special. Also the participation of your children: they must be very excited.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers,

I am interested in your interpretation of the following translation:

"Marriage Francois Savard & Angelique Trembley. On August 1, 1803 after the publication of three bans of marriage done from the pulpit at our parish masses for three consecutive Sundays between Francois Savard, widower of Rosalie Bouchard, resident farmer of this parish of one part; and Angelique Tremblay, daughter of age of Joseph-Marie Trembley and Magdeleine Trudel also resident farmer of this parish of the other part.

The parties having obtain dispensation of fourth degree of consanguinity from Msgr [Monseigneur]. of Conathe Coadjuctor of Quebec ____________ between our hands, I, undersigned pastor of Eboulements, obtained their mutual consent to marry and performed the nuptial blessing as prescribed by the holy mother the church in the presence of Charles Savard, father; Louis Trembley, uncle; Jean Bouchard, friend of the groom; Joseph-Marie Trembley, father; Joseph and Laurent Trembley, brother; Joseph Bouchard, friend of the groom, all as well as the bride and groom declared they could not sign. Reading done.

Marcheteau, Priest"

This translation was received on 5 November 2008 via mail from Constance Bernier-Hebert, Research Coordinator, of the American-Canadian Genealogical Society, P.O. Box 6478, Manchester, N.H. 03108-6478. A photocopy of the original parish record in French is on file.

Specifically..."publication of three bans of marriage", and "The parties having obtain dispensation of fourth degree of consanguinity from Msgr [Monseigneur]. of Conathe Coadjuctor of Quebec..."

Francois Savard is one of my ancestors.

Thank you,

Robert

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Robert,

What a fine gift to you from the Research Coordinator of the American-Canadian Genealogical Society in New Hampshire! The translation from the French appears to be quite adequate.

The "banns of marriage" was a custom of pastoral practice [and in law too, I believe] for some centuries. It is not mentioned in the Code of Canon Law of 1983. Thus, it is not practiced any longer in many places. This means that in some places they still do publish the "banns" three Sundays in succession. The "banns" are simply a public announcement in the parish of the bride [and often, of the groom] of the upcoming marriage between the two. Before parish printed bulletins, there were parish bulletin boards or even the doors of the church where public notices were posted. The intent was that if anyone had knowledge which should be known of an impropriety or an impediment to the marriage, they should make it known to the pastor.

For example, in the time of great plagues where parents died of the disease leaving living children behind, relatives or friends took the children in, who then became part of different families. On occasion a boy and a girl from different villages were set to get married, when an old-timer might go to the parish priest and point out that they were really blood brother and sister. An extraordinary example, surely, however…

As in the case of your ancestor [I presume] the laws of the Church and cultural custom forbade the marriage of first cousins. This could be dispensed by the local Bishop for a variety of pastoral reasons. This is the "fourth [4th] degree of consanguinity." Degrees are counted by each person in line excluding the common ancestor. Example: a groom (1), his father (2), his grandfather [common], daughter of common grandfather [groom's aunt] (3), aunt's daughter [groom's cousin; wife to be] (4).

So your ancestor married his cousin. She became your ancestor too. They received the dispensation to get married. If one of the parishioners was on the ball, having seen the notice ["bann"] on the bulletin board, he might have asked the parish priest, "What gives? They are cousins." The priest could reply, "They have the dispensation [permission] from the Bishop."

What wonderful things we learn from researching our family trees!

Blessings and peace in the Christmas season!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

P.S. Today the testimony of personal witnesses for bride and groom generally takes the place of publishing the "banns."

Dear Fathers,

I recently got engaged and plan to get married on March 14, 2009. My fiance and I are both Catholic. He is from Italy and is here on a visa, so he travels back and forth regularly. The lawyer said to speed up the green card paperwork he suggested to get married at city hall first if possible then get married as planned in a church. will this be an issue for the church? So if I do that in February (one month prior) is it still ok to get married by the priest in the church with the ceremony like I had planned? Will it be considered a second marriage because I'm technically married a month prior already? Does my witness at city hall have to be the same as my maid of honor and best man for church or visa versa I have a best man and maid of honor picked do I have to ask one of them to sign for me at city hall? Of course the Catholic marraige is the date I will go by, but in essence will I have 2 marriage dates? I will use the Catholic one since noone will know about the city hall one. Will the priest marry me knowing that city hall just married me one month prior? My fiance and I have never been married this will be our 1st and only marriage. Are there any rules by the catholic church that say you have to get married at church not city hall legally first then the church? Also is their a number of days that if you get married at city hall you have to get married within a certain amount of time at a church? City hall issues a license and says it's valid 24 hours to 60 days. so we will get married within 60 days at city hall, but then have to wait 5 weeks to get married in church. Is that too far apart?

Thanks

Patty

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Patty,

Quite a list of questions you have presented!

Most of these are to be answered by your own parish priest. Actually you should have been in contact with him already three months ago if you plan to have a Church wedding in March. Parish bulletins throughout our country publish diocesan regulations that couples should initiate contact with their parish priest at a minimum of six months before the wedding. Anybody coming to our parish of Sts. Peter & Paul must be much, much further ahead than that in order to get a wedding time. Most parishes do not have as many marriages as we do, so it is easier and six months may be just fine.

Some countries, France and Mexico for instance, simply require everyone to get married in city hall before any religious ceremony. In the U.S.A. a religious ceremony is in itself also the civil ceremony. The license is obtained; then the officiant at the wedding signs it; finally it is returned to the county clerk where it is recorded. A church would also record it in its records. Sometimes people even here get married civilly ahead of a church wedding at which time it is "blessed" or convalidated. If a couple wants to fully live out the Christian ideal, they would refrain from consummating their union till after the Sacrament has been celebrated.

The witnesses to the civil marriage would not have to be those at the church. I think probably for immigration purposes one would have to use the date of the civil ceremony. In California a couple must get married within 90 days of obtaining the marriage license, whether at city hall, a chapel, before a marriage commissioner or justice of the peace, anywhere, or in a church. If it is a two step process, as described above, there is no time frame for step two.

Blessings and peace at Advent and Christmas,

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers,

My Fiance and I have both been baptized as Roman Catholics, but we are planning our wedding in an Assyrian-Chaldean Catholic Church because of the hall we chose happens to be owned by the church and is very convenient. The father at the Assyrian Church has asked us for our baptismal papers and a free of marriage certificate. 2 questions....1. Is our marriage in this particular Catholic Church still recognized in a Roman Catholic Church?? and 2. What exactly is this "free of marriage" certificate??

Thank you,

Shamie

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Shamie,

The Chaldean Catholic Church is Eastern Rite, and in union with the Church of Rome. Marriages would be recognized by both churches.

Freedom of marriage is a statement to the effect that both are free of other unions.

Our parish forms request statements from persons, who have known you for many years, to attest to your freedom to marry.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers,

Thank you for this service! My question is, can my fiance's brother serve as our witness if he is excommunicated (for helping a minor procure an abortion)? Do I need to tell our priest of his situation?

Thank you and God bless,

CD

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear CD,

The short answer to your question is: Church law only says the witnesses at a marriage need to be older than the "age of reason." There is no other requirement. Thus persons of some other faith or religion or no faith or unbaptized are eligible since they only must witness a fact.

However, in virtue of the Baptism of you and your fiancé where you are to be light in the world, an example for all to see, through which you are called to share your faith in the world, it would be truly fulfilling your Baptismal call to invite your future brother-in-law to get to the Sacrament of Reconciliation [Confession] before your wedding. What an opportunity that would be! Your wedding the occasion of someone returning to the community of Church! Bishops usually give the "faculty" of lifting excommunication to parish priests. The incident is now over and done with. Perhaps there are internal spiritual repercussions in one or both persons involved. Now is the time to start again in the community of disciples of Jesus [Church].

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Hello Fathers,

I am a US Citizen and my husband is also a US Citizen. He was civilly married in the Philippines and got a divorce here in 2002. The marriage did not last very long. Now we are planning to get married here in the USA and the priest said we need to have the marriage from the Philippines annulled or get a lack of form certificate from the Tribunal for the previous marriage. The problem is we could not obtain a copy of his previous marriage certificate. We could not get a hold of the family to give us the marriage certificate. We live here in the US and his previous marriage took place in the Philippines, so it is physically hard for us to do the legwork. What should we do? Do we really need to file the lack of form certificate?They were not married in Church but only through a judge in the Philippines. Please help.

We have done all the catholic preparations and have already scheduled everything for the wedding like the church, reception place, flowers etc....

Sincerely,

Len

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Len,

He should have a copy of his first marriage.

"He was civilly married and got a divorce here." If he got a divorce here the papers could be obtained through the court here.

If here means in the Philippines, you should be able to contact the marriage tribunal there to get a copy of the civil marriage.

If the above is not feasible, contact the diocesan marriage tribunal and ask to speak to an official of the tribunal and explain the situation.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

I am 28 years old. I was married by the court a few years back but separated very soon after. Just recently my divorce went through. I was raised Catholic, but have not been practicing my religion faithfully until recently. I am now engaged to a man who is a baptized Christian. He too was married through civil law and was divorced very shortly after. We are planning on getting married through the catholic church as long as his annullment gets approved. He has allready started the annullment process and has been told that it could take 12 months to 18 months to get approved. The Deacon whom he spoke with says that because of the circumstances of his first marriage, it is very likely that his annullment will be approved. So basically, we are praying that this will happen and are waiting to get married through the church. The challenge we are currently left facing is the distance between us. We met when we were in the military and stationed together in Greece for several months. Since the day we began a relationship we had not been apart a day from each other. Through a miracle of God we were both flown back from overseas to Virginia on the exact same day to begin separation from the Navy. This took a couple of weeks, but we still got to spend a lot of time together everyday. Once we were done, we both drove together to Texas to visit with his family and then went to California to visit with my family. He then returned to Texas and I remained in California so that I could spend extra time with my family through Thanksgiving. We have been apart for almost two months now and I miss him very much.

I can't imagine having to be apart from him for up to 18 months until the annullment goes through. I am planning on relocating to Texas in December so that I can be near him until the process is completed. We have allready vowed not to be sexually intimate with each other until we are married through the catholic church. My question however is, would it be a sin to live together even though we wouldnt have sex? Would I still be able to receive holy communion? His parents have advised us that we might want to consider marrying through the court for now and live together now and then get married through the church once the anullment goes through. Even if we did this I still would want to wait to have sex. Also, Im hesitant to marry through the court in case the annullment does not go through for some reason and we are unable to really get married.Even though i love him dearly, Its because of this love because of my new found devotion to the Lord, that I don't think I would feel right in my heart being married to him any other way than through the catholic church. Im thinking that the best thing to do would be to relocate to Texas, but to live in an apartment by myself until we can get married through the church. I would very much appreciate any advice you may have for me and thank you also for such a great website.

Sincerely, Yasmin

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Yasmin,

What a beautiful letter! In today's Mass reading from St. Paul's letter to Titus, St. Paul reminds Titus and the community that we have all been sinners in a variety of ways, but God's mercy has sent the Holy Spirit through Jesus upon us for the forgiveness of our sins so that we may lead virtuous lives as we journey together to meet Jesus in heaven. Of course, I have summarized the thought, but that is where we all are. Sometimes we have been away. But now by God's gift we keep turning back to do the best we can.

Thank you and your fiancé for your Navy service. My brother was in the Navy and the Reserves for many years and continues involvement in an association of former officers.

Always when something is presented to a Church Tribunal, one is reminded that nothing can be officially done until a judgment has been passed. In practice, one may do the formal marriage preparation [classes or seminars, documents, forms, etc] without a wedding date.

Actually living in the same house, by itself, is not against Jesus and His Church, as long as people are living "as brother and sister"[as the expression goes]. However, when people are in love and really want to be together, the instinct is to express it more and more, also in a physical way. This is what leads to sin to the extent that at the end "we can't help it!" This is falling into the societal mentality that we human beings [all over the world], though we can exercise tremendous discipline in many ways [witness the training regimens of Olympic athletes!], when it comes to sexual expression we have absolutely no control and thus the need for all kinds of contraceptives to avoid consequential pregnancy! And then follow the commercials and films encouraging all kinds of consensual sex with no regard to self-discipline! Ah, our wonderful paradoxical and contradictory American society!

Living and working from you own apartment will certainly be more expensive to you. However, in the long run, as preparation for the Sacrament of Matrimony, that will be a more life-fulfilling decision.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

I was born, raised and practice as a Roman Catholic. When I first married in 1973, I was married to a divorced Greek Orhtodox Catholic. We were married 25 years and then Divorce.

I have been remairred by a Minister in Las Vegas. I wanted my current mariage to be blessed in the Caholic Church and I want to be in communion with my church.

I initiated a Petition for Annulment with the Catholic church but the case was returned 'abated' on the grounds that we were not free to marry in the first place, because my ex husband never got permission from his Greek Orthodox Bishop to marry me.

The man practices Roman Caholic and has even become a Knights of Columbus member.

How does this affect his association with the Roman Caholic Church, or doesn't it? Can people who are baptized Greek Orthodox, and raised in that faith, just practice under Roman Caholic traditions, etc, when of if they choose?

I am curious, as it goes along with the mans integrity. Our marriage of 25 years was based on lies and he continues to lie to save face.

Can you advise?

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Ann,

You approached a couple of different things in your letter. I shall try to reply to them in order.

You wish that your current situation be "blessed" or convalidated in the Catholic Church, that is to celebrate your Sacrament of Matrimony. As your petition to the Tribunal was that your first marriage was itself invalid, you yourself would be free to marry in the Church. Of course, that implies that your current husband also is free to marry in the Church. That means that either he was never married before, or that his first marriage would be declared invalid, as yours has.

All of the above has nothing to do with your former spouse. As far as his [your former husband's] actions now, he himself is the one to reflect upon and then act appropriately on his situation. Usually Knights of Columbus members are Catholic to begin with. From your letter I am somewhat doubtful that he may be an Eastern Rite Catholic united to the Pope. If he is actually Orthodox, then I do not know what procedures beyond a new Profession of Faith to change from Orthodox to Catholic. An Eastern Rite Catholic is certainly welcome to the Knights of Columbus.

An Eastern Rite Catholic who does not have a parish of his own rite, may attend a different Catholic Rite, Latin or Eastern, for Divine Liturgy and ordinary Catholic prayers and organizations.

I do not know about anyone living "lies." Jesus proclaimed, "Do not judge, lest you yourselves be judged." Each person is responsible for self before God. That is quite sufficient for integrity and truth!

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers,

I got married about six months ago in a Catholic Church in San Francisco. It was a beautiful wedding, but I can't stop thinking about all the stress my sister-in-law caused me in the days, weeks, and months leading up to our wedding. It was so stressful to me that I don't even think I enjoyed my own wedding day and that fact is so distressing to me. How can I obtain peace and understanding and put all this stress and all these difficult emotions and feelings behind me?

I have not seen or heard from my sister-in-law and her husband since my wedding, and we live in the same city. They treat me like I don't exist. However, in the months leading up to our wedding, my sister-in-law was making all kinds of demands on us in the weeks and months leading up to the wedding. Some of it was justified and had to do with dealing with the mother of my sister-in-law and fiancé who is ill. However, there was a lot that I thought was rude and inappropriate and I don't know how to deal with the anger and hurt I feel.

About a month before the wedding, both she and her husband contacted me and proceeded to tell me about why they had difficulty in dealing with my fiancé and all of his downfalls. Additionally, my sister-in-law and her husband were both supposed to be in the wedding, but decided to pull out at the last minute. She even said at one point that she didn't even want to come to the wedding. We had to drop all of the many things we were doing in planning for the wedding to convince her to attend. She caused a lot of undue stress leading up to our wedding. It was already an extremely hectic time and she just added to the stress. She has a quick temper and seems to always want to be in the limelight and I wonder if this was just her way of getting attention.

Leading up to the wedding, she called and emailed constantly with rude demands and offensive, critical remarks. Now, after the wedding, we don't hear from them at all.

Do you have any advice for me? This is so distressing to me. She just about ruined my one day and is now ruining my life because I can't stop obsessing about it. Thank you in advance.

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Sally,

It is a Christian paradox that in times of the most distress that we human beings endure, precisely there is when the Lord is by the disciple, [and now using human words] desiring to be recognized. The Gospels add "with longing" to the wish of Jesus to walk with the disciple. The Saints in conversation with Jesus use some irony telling Him the reason He has few friends [St. Teresa of Avila] is because they must suffer so much.

The way of the disciple is to "love your enemy; do good to those who persecute you." [Gospels] Is this difficult? Of course, and it will probably hurt even deeper at first, because you will be with Jesus. The result will be deeper harmony and peace within you, irrespective of what anyone does.

Because Jesus is with a disciple especially in the most difficult situations, you must take some contemplation time to bring up in your memory each thing that was rude or hurtful and remember Jesus was there. Allow this to grow in your memory. Imagine Jesus with you in those awful moments. Let Him be your strength and comfort. Do this for each thing embedded in your memory. Old Satan hopes that these things will cause continued distress in your life. That is why they come back to you so often. When they do, simply open the door to Jesus who says in the book of Revelation that He is knocking at the door. When one opens the door, He comes in to sit down and have supper with that person, and that person with Him. What a way to foil Old Satan's handiwork!

So that is two exercises for you to do. First, do purposefully take time to bring up as many things as you can. While doing so, acknowledge the active presence of Jesus with you; thank Him; praise Him. Receive His gift of peace. Secondly, whenever one of these things comes into your mind, do the same thing: acknowledge the presence of Jesus, thank Him, praise Him. Receive His peace.

Now this is regarding past things. In the present, be aware of the same things. Know also that you have the special gift of God in the Sacrament of Matrimony. Let the grace and peace of the Sacrament flow through you. When something distressful comes up, do the same actions of praise, glory, thanks to God. Who knows what gifts of the Spirit will be poured upon you, your husband and all your relatives alike.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

I know a guy recently. He is very spiritual and he believe strongly the existence of God as he had encountered God before. I am a Cathollic and I too had encountered God. He believes that our God are the same one. Cos everynight, he prays the Lord's Prayer. But he did not define that his God is Christ. Is it alright for us to date? I do not know if eventually we will end our dating stage with a marriage, but I want to be married in Catholic church. He attends church but he does not beleive in catholic doctrine. Will it be a problem for us?

I understand that as a Catholic, we are not suppose to read and believe in horoscope. But the fact is, we have a great horoscope differences and we are not an ideal couple based on our horoscope profiles and is a total conflict. But due to his strong believe in God, I feel that we have the same spiritual connection. I really do not know if i should invest my time in this relationship. Some of my friends told me to enjoy the dating experiences and do not look too far into marriage. But in Christian dating, the ultimate goal is to reunion right? Can you please advise?

Thank you.

Ct

Fr. John Malloy responds:

Ct,

"He does not believe in Catholic doctrine. Will it be a problem for us?"

From my experience of such unions, "Yes, it will be a problem." Husband and wife for the most part must be on the same wave length to insure a happy marriage.

One important plus for a happy marriage is for the two to share the same faith.

I have seen many mixed marriages. Even when husband and wife seemed a loving couple, in most cases that I know, the children went various ways and into various faith structures and caused much stress in the marriage.

As for the horoscope: it's superstitious to rely on that! Often the reading may prove true. Because of the generalities in most statements, they can affirm or deny in the same instance.

Choose your dates wisely and avoid involvement with anyone more interested in a physical (important as it may be) rather than a spiritual union.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Father,

My son got married at the age of 18 years old and the girl was of the same age (she got pregnant). both are catholics and married in church. after 3 years, got a baby girl (the 1st pregnancy was a miscarriage) and the wife found my son unfaithful last week. my son refused to work on it and now decided and agreed to have a separation. i felt, as a mother, my son was totally immature during the time of their marriage and even to this date, i still think that he is not mature enough. he might felt compelled to marry the girl when she got pregnant not knowing this could lead to another mistake in the future. my husband and i were not in favour of getting them married during that time, but the parents of the girl wanted to have a full wedding ceremony instead. Father, there wasn't any joy at all for me at the wedding, i was feeling so sad and humiliated at the same time. and now, this thing happened, my son not willing to work on it, it was totally devastating for both my husband and me. i feel so sorry for the baby, she will be definitely affected anyhow. i don't know what to do now, please help! Could something good come out from this pain and trial?

Michelle

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Michelle,

You certainly have my sympathy and prayers. Unfortunately your story is too often repeated because of the immaturity of young people with their lack of support in our world of freedom from sexual restraints.

It appears your son's marriage could be annulled for obvious reasons. However if and when they are ready for a second marriage and God willing, maintain their Catholic allegiance, they would have to cooperate with the process of annulment.

Meanwhile, being good grandparents will support the baby's growth and give some help in her family formation. In dealing with disagreements remember that a drop of honey is worth more than a barrel of vinegar.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers,

Me and my husband were married by civil. And now we wish to get married by church the question is can we get married by church with him being a mormon and me being catholic? What would we need to do. Thanks for your time.And i appreciate any help you can give us.

Wendy

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Wendy,

In our country it happens quite frequently that a Catholic person falls in love and wishes to marry a non-Catholic person. My grandmother did this, and my mother too! You begin by simply going to the parish priest to start marriage preparation. He will guide you from there on.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

I'm involved in a situation that I don't fully understand and hoped you could give some guidance. I was married at a young age to a woman who never loved me, but agreed to marry me (in her Pentacostal Church) because she was pregnant with our child. As you can imagine, the marriage ended terribly and we divorced a short time later. As a Catholic, I knew I needed to get the marriage annulled if I ever wanted to marry again in the Church and so I did that about a year after we were divorced.

Soon I met another woman and we were married in the Catholic Church. We had two children and were in love for some time. However, she decided she wanted to go a different direction with her life and left me after 10 years of marriage. We soon divorced and now have joint custody of our two sons.

About a year ago I met a wonderful woman (not a Catholic) who could not have children and had actually adopted a child with her ex husband (not married in a church). Much to our surprise she became pregnant and now we have a beautiful baby boy who we consider a true miracle from God - especially since two different doctors told us they have no explanation but a miracle for her pregnancy.

We are planning to get married soon in a civil ceremony, as she is not Catholic (but does go to Church with me) and I haven't gotten an annullement from the first marriage because my exwife will not entertain the idea of helping me get one (by answering questions of any sort). Also, I'm not sure I want to go through the process if it has negative effects on my two other son's with my last wife. My questions are:

If I want to baptize our son, is it possible as of right now and will the Church recognize it?

Will I ever be considered a Catholic in good standing if I do not get an annullment (even if I make a sincere act of contrition)?

If I get an annullment what is the penalty on my two boys I have with my ex-wife? Will they be bastards in the eyes of the Church?

Your guidance is much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Chad

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Chad,

I'll begin with the easiest answer to your last question:

(3) If I get an annulment what is the penalty on my two boys I have with my ex-wife? Will they be bastards in the eyes of the Church? No penalty on the boys; they will not be considered bastards.

(1)Will I ever be considered a Catholic in good standing if I do not get an annulment (even if I make a sincere act of contrition)? A sincere act of contrition will not change your marital status. To be in good standing you would need to seek an annulment. It is possible to get an annulment even if one of the parties refuses to cooperate.

Meanwhile you can still go to Mass, but must not receive the Eucharist until your status is straightened out.

(2) If I want to baptize our son, is it possible as of right now and will the Church recognize it? It's possible, but will depend on the priest that you choose to speak to regarding the situation.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers:

I became fully converted to Christ and the Church in 2004 after a pretty disastrous life - mostly of my own making. I had my former marriages (2) which were peformed outside the Church adjudicated by the local Tribunal and declared null due to deficiency of form. I had a female fried who is a Protestant and committed Christian (also a "convert" from the world). We knew each other about a year and a half. Her marriage recently ended due to some really pathological things which I won't go into. For months, without knowledge of certain things, I encouraged her to stay in the marriage based upon scripture and what the Church teaches. She tried and tried but finally dissolved the marriage despite her prayerful reservations. My own opinion, for whatever it is worth, is that no one would encourage someone to stay is what this was (I later learned some of the details).

After the dissolution, our friendship became more than that and we would like to get married. I am free to marry in the Catholic Church; HOWEVER, it is my understanding that her marriage will have to undergo a tribunal adjudication that may take a year or more. My question is this: If I was to marry this wonderful woman outside the Church and then wait for the tribunal decision, what is my standing with the Church as far as the sacraments? She is willing to go through the process and has attended Mass with me.

We have both been in the world and know it disasters prior to our coming to the Lord. I have gone from being a lonely parishioner feeling like he was on the planet Mongo, to a former parish administrator, a Eucharistic Minister and a Lector. Now this lady has come into my life. I have been alone - and I mean alone - for four and a half years because following Christ means not doing certain things. I pray for the Lord's will but I also wanted to get advice from His priests. We both really want to do things right.

I thank you for your time and attention. May God Bless you for what you do.

Stanley

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Stanley,

If you were to marry before your fiancée's first marriage is settled by the church tribunal, you would not be free to receive the Eucharist, which doesn't mean you have to stay away from Mass.

The situation of the marriage being what it was, the annulment process should not be too complicated, but it does take time.

Personal intervention on the part of a local member of the Tribunal may hasten the case.

However, time does move quickly and the blessings of waiting will be more than compensated for in happiness thereafter.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

thank you for answering questions! god bless you!!

i'm wondering what someone's options and obligations are if they can't convalidate a marriage. would they be obligated to divorce civilly and live apart?

can anyone explain what it means to have be sanctioned by a bishop to live as brother and sister(maintaining a civil bond but not having a sacramental bond)? is there such a thing allowed? if so, does it require some sort of vows to live in complete sexual continence? if one were permanently impotent, would they be unable to take such vows?

thanks for any help on this.

peace and blessings to you,

howie.

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Howie,

Quite a list of questions in your letter! Before a specific response to your questions, I should like to give a greater context within which physical expressions of love must be placed.

The Constitution on the Church in the modern world [Gaudium et Spes] of the Second Vatican Council [1962-65] states that marriage is a communion of life and love established by God to uphold and help spouses in their journey of life toward the ultimate goal: eternal life with God. This is my one sentence summary of what the Church understands and tells about regarding life in the Sacrament of Marriage. A wonderful source is the Chapter on the Dignity of Marriage in Gaudium et Spes. You can find it on several websites, for example at the Vatican, or on EWTN. It is paragraph 47 and following. There are also certain paragraphs in other documents of Vatican II and from the Church in general. Then,. of course, there are other articles and books by Catholic Authors and a variety of websites. Be sure of the sources in searching the web. Just now when I searched for The Sacrament of Marriage," the first site up was a Catholic Update from the Franciscans, a wonderful resource.

So marriage is much, much more than the sexual expression of love and union - not to say that this is not important. Thus to see your special questions:

I am wondering, from the context of the second paragraph, if you meant "consummate" rather than convalidate in the beginning statement. The technical meaning of convalidate is for a couple in a civil marriage to celebrate the Sacrament of Marriage in the Church [informally stated: getting the marriage "blessed"]. Instead "consummate" means completing the marriage vows by male-female sexual intercourse.

If a couple were physically unable to complete the act, it could mean that one spouse might wish to get the marriage formally declared null in order to enter into a new, true marriage for the sake of possible children. I know a woman who had to have body surgery to make it possible for a prospective husband to have intercourse. She did not bear children, but the couple later adopted two.

Couples who may find themselves in such a situation, could still remain married and truly become saints through their lifetimes. To live without intercourse is a personal choice for the couple. No permission is necessary. Begging the Father for grace to live chastely does not need to be confirmed with vows, unless the Holy Spirit is leading that way. In Church history there are Saints who have done this. Husband and wife enjoying each other's bodies is one of the joys of marriage, even if the attempt to complete intercourse fails.

But remember, the possibilities of growth in love, honor, devotion, relationship, knowledge, virtue, mutual help, and so on, though limited here on earth, will be limitless in union with God in paradise.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

DEAR FATHERS: A MAN & A WOMAN MARRY IN THE METHODIST CHURCH. THE MAN IS BAPTISED METHODIST. THE WOMAN HAS NEVER BEEN BAPTISED, IS THIS A SACREMENTAL MARRIAGE?

Victoria

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Victoria,

Before giving a technical answer to your query, here is a little background context.

The Church [People of God, called together community of disciples of Jesus] holds in great honor and respect marriages which are done according to law and custom wherever they happen except that the Catholic Church does make some simple rules for its own members [not for other people, baptized or not]. For a baptized Catholic, the minimum requirement is the presence of the couple, two witnesses and the priest or deacon who is the official Church witness.

So a baptized non-Catholic of whatever community who follows the law of the land and local custom may validly marry a non-baptized person. The Catholic Church views such a marriage authentic and true, unless it is proven otherwise.

The Sacrament of Matrimony arises when both persons are baptized. I suppose most people don't even know this magnificent gift that God pours into their lives, even without connection to the community of disciples.

And now to conclude the technical answer to your specific query: since one spouse is not baptized, the marriage is true, valid and authentic, but the Sacrament is not yet there because one is not baptized.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Hello Father.

I was baptized, had first communion, and confirmed in the Lutheran church. My first marriage was done in the court house and I later divorced. I am now engaged to a man who is catholic and we want to marry in the catholic church. He has never been married. We inquired about the marriage counseling prior to marriage and now need to know what we have to do, if anything, to be able to marry in the church. We live in Florida and marrying in the church is very important to us. I appreciate any help you can give us with this matter.

Amy

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Amy,

I can give you some context and background, but the local parish priest will be the one who can really guide you to the possible marriage in the Catholic Church.

First off, the Catholic Church loves, honors, holds dear and sacred, true, valid and authentic marriages which are done according to law and custom wherever they occur. The Church makes rules for its own members. Anyone marrying a Catholic then actually acts according to the rules of the Catholic Church.

The first statement above has an attached clause to it: unless it is proven otherwise. One of the Catholic conditions for entering into marriage is that both persons are "free to marry." A previous marriage at the first instance, is an obstacle for marriage in the Catholic Church. So such a marriage must be presented to a Church Tribunal in order to discover if all the elements were present at the beginning of that marriage which would make it a [words above] true, valid and authentic. The Church believes that true marriage is a lifelong journey, ending only in death of one spouse. Thus the need to discover if a previous marriage had been indeed "true, valid, authentic."

When having presented everything to the Tribunal, and it is decided that some essential thing had been missing, then a decree of "Freedom to Marry" would be issued and then a wedding could be celebrated in the Catholic Church.

All of this seems quite cold in writing; however, your parish priest will guide you along the way. Most people who have finished this process discover that it has truly been a healing experience also.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Hi,

I would like to ask the step by step procedure on hwo to go about having a catholic church wedding. We were married civilly last year 2007 in las vegas. I am roman catholic and a Filipino while my husband is a protestant, american citizen but attends sunday churches in a catholic church.

Would liek to know the following:

1. requirements needed to be able to be eligible to have a catholic chruch bless our marriage. No fancy big weddings, what is important to us that it is blessed by God our union. Given one is Catholic and the other is protestant. My husband is not willing to convert to being a catholic. we had already our civil mariage last year.

Please advise. thnaks

Best Regards,

Beth

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Beth,

The Church always welcomes couples seeking the Sacramental blessing upon their union. The requirements and procedures are the same as if you had originally went to your parish priest. There are documents to obtain, forms to fill out, inventories to complete, Liturgy to prepare, all of these at the direction and coordination of your parish priest.

The celebration only needs two witnesses, the couple, and the deacon or priest to fulfill the requirements of church law. Everything else is extra. So the Sacramental celebration can be as small or as big as you wish - even full bridal dress, many bridesmaids and sponsors, cultural symbols, etc.

The first step is getting in contact with the parish priest to start. There is no requirement that a non-Catholic spouse enter the Church. If that comes later [even much later - or never], thanks be to God, but it is not a condition for getting married.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers,

My name is amber and I am 21 years old.. I was brought up as a Catholic but unfortunitely I was never baptized. I have a 2 month old son and would love to have him Baptized in a Catholic Church. Gabriel(my 2 month old), his father is Catholic but we are un-wed parents. Is it going to be possible for me to baptize him in the church with me not being Catholic and also un-wed? Is there a way I can be baptized as well? Please help me? Thank you so much.

Amber

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Amber,

Since you were brought up Catholic it should be easy for you and the baby to be baptized, but the condition would be to regularize your marital situation.

You and your husband would also have to promise to raise the child as a Catholic

A question to clear up would be: Have either of you been previously married?

If the answer is "no," then why don't you approach the local Catholic Church and start the process?

If the answer is "yes" then ask the local priest how you might go about clearing the way for marriage in the Church.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Are there any specific Catholic Church guidelines which govern what prayers or blessing a Lutheran minister make say at a Catholic wedding in which the Eucharist will not be celebrated because it is a mixed marriage?

May he read the gospel or give the homily or offer a blessing at the end of the wedding ceremony?

Thank you

RRF

Fr. Malloy Answers:

RRF,

I suggest you contact the local tribunal.

However, the Lutheran Minister may not read the gospel or give the homily at a Catholic mass.

He may offer a blessing and take part in the questions addressed to bride and groom.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

My question has several parts. First, my fiancee and I are planning our wedding. He is Catholic (baptised and confirmed) though not currently a member of a parish. I have not been baptised in any religion. We have agreed that we would like to raise our children in the Catholic Faith, and in keeping congruent, I would like our marriage to be recognised by the Catholic Church and celebrate the Sacrament of our marriage with God. Do you hold marriage ceremonies in your parish for non-parishioners? Can we be married in a Catholic Church and go through preparations with the Catholic Church if I am not baptised? What are the proper steps to take if my fiancee is not a member of a local parish? Your guidance is very much appreciated.

Sarah

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Sarah,

What wonderful intentions you have! Let me reply to some of your questions and give a context,

First off: Yes, a marriage between a baptized Catholic and a non-baptized person can be celebrated in the Catholic Church. A petition form to the Local Bishop would have to be signed and sent in. The response would be a "Dispensation" for this. Part of the form is that the Catholic person affirm the Catholic Faith and promise to rear any children in the practice of the Faith. And the priest would have to sign that the non-Catholic person understands the promise made.

This brings up an important thing. The promise only makes sense if the person is actually practicing the Faith himself. If he isn't, then the prior question would be: why do you want to get married in the Church? The very presence of a couple in a church for a wedding is a direct proclamation, "God and Church are important to me!" The whole preparation process before a marriage is done to try to make sure that this is a true statement. And people only really find out by what happens afterward. If afterward there is no sign of authentic practice of Faith, then the unavoidable question is why would that couple make the priest and the parish community participate in such a sham! At that point the Church community must just commend them into the loving care of God our Father and continue doing the best they can.

One of the things required of persons who do not belong to the parish where the wedding takes place is a letter of "authorization" from the parish of the bride or the groom in order to transfer "jurisdiction" to celebrate this public Sacrament. Thus if your fiancé wants to be a practicing Catholic, he should begin by registering in a parish of his choosing [usually the closest one. However, given the mobility of persons in our society {getting into a car to go anywhere}, pick a parish he will actually go to].

After that, call the parish where the wedding is to be celebrated and ask for an appointment. From there the parish ministry of preparing for the Sacrament will begin under the direction of a parish priest.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

I have a situation and I need some advice. My husband and I were married in a Catholic church. I was Catholic at the time and he was not. A few years ago I changed my faith to Baptist. I was baptized in the Baptist church. We are going through a divorce right now and need to know if I need to get an annullment before I can marry someone else in a different religion, other than Catholic. I am not planning on getting married anytime soon, but was just curious.

Thanks.

Karen

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Karen,

Even though you are considered a member of the Baptist Church, your baptism in the Baptist Church was invalid, since you can be baptized only once.

Since you renounced your Catholic Faith, the laws of the Catholic Church have also been renounced.

Legally you may marry again after a divorce.

However, an annulment would be required if you wanted to marry a Catholic since the Catholic Church still recognizes the validity of your first marriage.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

On August 12, we received these questions:

Dear Father Harold:

I have 2 questions concerning an impending second marriage -

1) Both my girlfriend and I who are catholic and were baptized and confirmed are divorced from our previous marraiges. Each of our respective marriage was to a non-catholic before a justice of the peace. Do we have to seek an annulment to now be married in the catholic church?

2) Even though we do not reside in California, we would like to be married at your church as it is one of the most beautiful churches we have seen. Would this be permissible?

Thank you.

Anthony

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Anthony,

Let me reply to your letter in reverse. First your section 2: yes, it is possible to arrange for a wedding at Sts. Peter & Paul from out of state. You would have to do all the preparation with gathering of documents, completion of necessary forms and have authorization from your current parish [because you are from a different diocese] - all done in your local parish. Then all this would have to be forwarded to the Bishop's office of where you live. That office would authenticate the documents and the preparation and send everything to us. Of course, when you start the preparation with your own parish priest, at that time we can look at our calendar for a date which would be confirmed with the $500.00 deposit.

Back to part 1: part of the marriage prep at your parish would be presenting the original marriage certificate, final divorce decree, and Baptism certificate to the parish priest who would send it all to the Diocesan Tribunal which would issue a "Freedom to Marry" decree - the reason being that the marriage had not been celebrated in a Catholic church before a deacon or priest. With these in hand the preparation would be on-going and everything could be forwarded to us in good time before the scheduled wedding.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

I was married in the church to a man who was homosexual. I found this out after our marriage. When he came out of the closet 17 years later I was granted an annulment as the marriage was deemed fraudulent. About 5 years later I was considering entering a contemplative religious order and ask a friend and coworker who is a sister how she knew the call was real. She was more interested in my previous marriage and asked if she could share my story and my name with another woman she knew who'd had the same experience. I agreed and met the woman and we started attending a straight spouse support group together.

I met Greg at the group and was very impressed with his very big heart and his commitment to his spouse who wanted to engage in sexual relationships with women. He did everything imaginable to keep his marriage and family together but drew the line at infidelity so the marriage ended. We started spending time together and although he is an unbaptized agnostic, he always attended mass with me. If we were taking a day trip on the weekend, he'd always find a church along the route so that I didn't miss mass. Before long and much to my surprise, I found myself in a sexual relationship with Greg - heterosexual men are MUCH different than homosexual men and what would have stopped before consummation in my previous experience did not with Greg. No excuses here - I was playing with fire. Well we were at mass on Easter Sunday and I was on my way to communion - no, I had not confessed my adulterous relationship but felt that Jesus had died for sinners and that sinners are in the greatest need of the healing power of the eucharist- and I was asking God to give me a sign. I was not comfortable with my role as an adulteress and planned to end my relationship with Greg later that day unless God showed me that Greg was his choice of spouse for me.

This is the honest truth: After mass, Greg, the agnostic, led me to the front of the tabernacle and recited wedding vows! My initial reaction was "NO God! You don't mean it! He's too different than me, it won't work." But the next thought was "Ok, I asked for a sign and said I do Your will if You made it known. I did it my way last time and that didn't work. This time, I'll do it your way." I said "yes" to God and stood in front of that tabernacle promising to love, honor, and cherish until death the man that God had chosen for me.

For years I have moved confidently through life knowing that I was doing God's will by marrying Greg. Early in our marriage, I shared the whole story with my confessor who gave me absolution and sent me on my way. My relationship with God has grown stronger over the years and He has given me so many huge gifts and loving consolations. Marriage to Greg has not been easy, but I didn't expect it to be because we are so very different. He remains the most loving and supportive of husbands. However, during the past few years I have periodically (usually during my annual Holy Week retreats) been engaged in a powerful interior wrestling match over the source of the inspiration Greg and I received on that Easter Sunday morning nine years ago. These wrestling matches usually end in a draw and I ask God to show me clearly the error of my was, if indeed I am out of right relationship with Him. I ask Him to keep me safe from all harm until this is settled since I'd really hate to die and find myself in hell for trying to do what I thought He was asking of me. Lately, I've been wondering how if I was not in a state of grace on that Easter Sunday, the inspiration could have come from God. Does He give such gifts to those who are in a state mortal sin?

I truly love God and have tried to devote my life to Him. I have a simple faith, as you can no doubt tell, but a strong faith and deep love of Jesus. I can't take a chance on losing my relationship with Him. I've been to confession a couple of times and told this story and both times I've been given absolution. The last time I confessed all of this was about a month ago. Father enjoyed the story but asked why I thought there was any mortal sin involved. I said because I'd committed adultry. He told me that he didn't know that there was any mortal sin associated with my actions and told me that I should not be so rigid, that Jesus didn't accuse the woman caught in adultry. I told him I'd started listening to EWTN and it seemed pretty black and white to that group of religious. Father shrugged and said that in this day and age it's more of a battleship grey, blessed me and sent me on my way happy to be absolved but skeptical.

I would love to say the solution is as simple as getting an annulment for Greg but it is not. He does not believe his previous marriage qualifies for a declaration of nullity and neither do the priests and deacons he's spoken with. He says he and Marilyn were married in the Lutheran church and that at the time there was no hint that eventually Marilyn would want to explore homosexual relationships. They were married for 26 years before she had this desire and he considers it part of his vow of marriage for better or worse.

Not ready to give up, I've been doing some research online and came across the Petrine Privilege. It seems to fit the situation as Greg is not baptised and wants to marry a practicing Catholic in the church. Greg has been told by our parish deacon in Washington State (I live and work in Oakland right now) that the Petrine Privilege is something that they do not pursue. They were very sorry not to be able to offer this option but said there was an agreement with the other churches that they would not invoke the Petrine Privilege. They assured Greg that even if we could not be legally married in the church, I could continue to receive communion and take an active role in the mass through being a minister of the cup, a lector, etc., but I don't want to do anything that is not pleasing to God and am unsure about this. Perhaps I'm being scrupulous now, but I don't think so. I have asked Greg to forego marital relations until this is resovled and though he's not happy about this, he's agreeable because he knows how I cannot live happily without the eucharist. I see the Petrine Privilege is listed as an option on the Archdioces of Oakland's Web site and hope that you can tell me that this diocese does indeed pursue this option for people like Greg and me.

Now that I know I'm in a state of grace, I'm praying more fervently than ever and listening more intently for that still, small voice's clear guidance. I'm attempting The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius and looking for a spiritual director here in the Bay Area. Any thoughts and guidance you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

God Bless You,

Kate

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Kate,

You seem to have done your homework and know right from wrong. Too bad some of the advice you received was misguided.

The advice received in Washington was unfair and false. You seem to have found that out by checking orthodox channels. I am sure God rewards your good will and desire to do the right thing.

Though your present marital state is not right, it can be corrected by appeal:. A Petrine Privilege or Privilege of the Faith is a decree of dissolution of marriage and involves a special petition to the Holy Father. It is decided in Rome.

Your case has the elements required to make the petition. If one of the parties to a previous marriage (Greg) was non-baptized and wants to marry a baptized, practicing Catholic (you), the petitioner, you may present your case, seeking dissolution of his first marriage

I suggest you approach your parish priest and present your case. If you do not find satisfaction call the Oakland Chancery Office and ask to speak to someone in the Marriage Tribunal.

God bless your journey of faith and keep you in His love.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers,

I have been bothered by these questions for a long time now. For some reason, I never thought of the internet as such a wonderful tool to get information and answers to my questions. It is now my belief that my prayers have been answered by somehow leading me to your website. I do apologize if my letter is quite lengthy, as I do have a lot on my mind and am very confused.

I have a boyfriend, we are both of legal age and I believe we are both mature enough to make our own decisions. We are both baptized, confirmed, and practicing Roman Catholics. Ten years ago he got his ex-girlfriend pregnant (also a baptized, confirmed Roman Catholic), and he was pressured into marrying her by this fact. According to him, they always had a troubled on-again-off-again relationship. In fact, they were on the verge of ending their relationship when she found out she was pregnant by him. By marrying her in civil court (not in Church), he thought he was doing the right thing, as a way to correct the mistakes they had both done in the past, and he took the pregnancy as a "sign" to work things out. Sadly, he was mistaken. The first years of marriage were difficult, filled with misunderstanding and abuse from his wife. He was a long time friend of mine and while we were not yet a couple, I witnessed first-hand the abuse he took from his spouse. She would verbally talk-down on him, and at times hit him with her own hands (or feet) or whatever object she had on hand. I felt very sad for him and was very concerned.

I was also there to witness their separation. She left him, after taking with her their child as well as a lot of his own material possessions. He was so depressed that she would not let him see their child. During tough times, I talked to him about their problems, about the possibility of reconciliation. I do admit though to getting very close to him at this time, but we both did not act on our attraction. We did, however, talk about it both knowing that acting upon the attraction was not the right thing to do at the time. We used our heads and we believe that God helped us be strong despite the temptation. He talked about reconciling with his wife, for the sake of their child. And they did, for a time. But once again, fights ensued, and she walked out on him a final time. This time, he said he believed they could not work things out, unfortunately.

As I said, at the time of their wedding, they were both Roman Catholics, they got married in civil court by a judge, in the presence of 2 witnesses. The wedding was not, however, officiated by a deacon or priest, and they did not at the time obtain a dispensation to marry. They are currently in the process of securing a civil annulment (which is legal, in our country, while divorce is not.). They both agreed that this was the best course of action in their case. They both agreed that they should have been more mature before entering into the marriage in the first place. In fact, now that they are separated, they are surprisingly treating each other better, and this is in a way a good thing for their child, not seeing the parents arguing and squabbling 24/7.

I, on the other hand, have never been married and am single. Unfortunately, my parents and most of my family members (all Roman Catholics) have been adamantly telling me to end this what-they-call-adulterous relationship. They are obviously very much against my relationship with my boyfriend. They tell me that I am being immoral and I am not doing what was taught to me in school and by the Bible. They tell me he is still considered married and as such, we are committing a mortal sin. They also tell me that I am disobeying the commandments (Specifically, "Thou shalt honor your father and your mother." "Thou shalt not commit adultery." and "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.") To hear those words hurts me, deeply, especially coming from my own family.

Because of what my parents said to me, I somehow felt ashamed of myself and of my relationship, because they made me feel like I was an adulteress. This made me afraid to go to my parish and ask our parish priest for advice. I would only read the Bible in my quest to find the answer to my worries, but I admit that sometimes Scripture is a little too "coded" to be understood completely. Sometimes it left me still very much confused. I felt I needed a more straightforward answer, and that is why I am seeking your advice.

I have recently researched Canon Law and found out that my boyfriend's previous marriage (since carried out outside the Church, not in the presence of a priest, and without dispensation) is considered to be a defect of form case and is therefore not considered valid by the Catholic Church. Is my understanding correct? If so, is my family wrong in saying I am in an adulterous relationship? Am I and my boyfriend really being immoral, disobeying the commandments, and committing a mortal sin by carrying on this relationship without him securing his annulment yet (and even after the annulment)? Is it possible to eventually marry my boyfriend in the Catholic Church after he obtains the civil annulment?

In my heart and in my head, I sincerely believe that I am doing what I think is best for me despite my family's disapproval. I do not believe that we are being immoral. I believe that God made us meet for a reason, and we both pray that we are carrying out what we think He planned for us. I really love my boyfriend, but I love my family, too. I know my boyfriend loves me, but I know my family loves me as well. We are a very close-knit family and it breaks my heart to know that they are so against my relationship. That they feel that I am choosing him over my family when I am not, it is not really about "choosing" one over the other. Can't I love all of them at the same time? Why does it have to be a choice? I was never taught that "love" should be selective, and this is definitely FAR from my belief. What should I do? Should I leave my boyfriend just to please my family? I can't bear the thought of that, but cannot bear the thought of being estranged from my family either. I am so torn, and sometimes I feel so desperately hopeless.

Please help,

Confused

Fr. Harold answers:

Dear Isabel.

I think that now from your experience, you know that pregnancy of itself is not a good reason to get married. If your proposed spouse, felt "pressured" to marry the mother of his child, it should be determined how this pressure was exercised. This should be made known to the civil marriage court as concomitant grounds for declaring an annulment of their contracted marriage.

This is what the Catholic Church Tribunal does. It looks at documents first; then it determines whether all the requirements have been met for entering into marriage [free choice is the first thing]; more simple is another thing, which you have discovered in your research into Church [Canon] Law: without the official Church witness, i.e. deacon or priest, there is no Sacrament and thus no marriage. The Tribunal will give a formal statement of "Freedom to marry," then a couple could enter into Christian Marriage.

Technically speaking you are on the right track. It seems, though, that you need to have some formal mediation to assure harmony and love in your families. Perhaps a Tribunal official could give some significant members of your families a small formal instruction about this in order to give a basis for peace, understanding and reconciliation in your family and his.

The Lord is infinitely capable of drawing out good, wonderful, miraculous things out of bad, hurtful, painful ones. Saying "Yes" to Jesus [each day] means walking with Him "in good times and in bad times" as the promises of marriage state, but more basically, being with Jesus means emptying self and accompanying Him to Calvary.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Greetings in the Name of the Lord!

I'm doing research for a family ancestry. My goal is to leave an accurate record for my grandchildren, going as far back as possible with all heirs.

Their maternal grandmother was raised by her father. He divorced his wife after only 2 years, before the child was 2. She didn't know her own mother's name. I've been told that she was institutionalized. I've read that documented psychological problems are grounds for annulment. SInce I cannot find any records her in my online research, I'm wondering if he had the marriage annuled, and if he did, would that erradicate any record of her in conjunction with her family, ie, marriage record?

I'm planning to go to the Burearu of vital statistics for the state of MA, where he lived, and do in person research. Hopefully, with his social security number, which I do have, I'll be able to locate a record with her name, and the family research can continue.

I've also read that once an annulment has been granted, that the records concerning that case are permanently closed and that it's impossible to retrieve records regarding the person, the reasons, the rationale for the decision to annul. My concern is that I'd like to have as accurate a record as possible, so that my grandchildren can have such information as would be important to their own families' health records.

I've learned, through the Boston Public Library, that there are ways of researching institutionalizations in this state, but I'm still without her name.

I do know the church that he attended. Would there be a record of the annulment there? Would I at least be able to get a verification that there WAS an annulment? Would the church provide me with the name of the wife or would that be confidential? If I cannot get a record of the annulment at the church he attended, what would be other options for this research?

Somehow, it just does not seem right to me that a person, who lived, loved, had a child and who is now a part of my grandchildren's heritage, can be 'erased' from all view. No matter what, she's still a part of them, and should be recognized for that, if nothing else, no matter what her personal problems may have been. I'd like them to know her name and be thankful for her contribution to their heritage.

Thank you, in advance, for whatever help you may be able to offer.

In His praise,

Cal

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Cal,

I used to do family tree research with my Mormon aunt several times. It is fascinating! Congratulations on your interest.

In tracking down a grandmother, I would first pursue marriage records where she had been married: thus where the grandfather had first been married. If the grandfather had then got divorced, that should show in some county clerk's records where the name of his first wife should appear.

Whether an annulment happened or not does not in anyway affect any children. Internal notes on an annulment are sealed, though the "Decree of Nullity" should be obtainable, though I myself would see no necessity for pursuing even that.

Regarding future health needs as interpreted from family history, perhaps other members of her family might be contacted, from researching information on her parents from the original marriage license/certificate.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Hello, my name is Roxana, I'm active duty in the Air Force recently stationed at Travis AFB. I'm Catholic and have attended mass at your Parish on multiple occasions when I am in the city (I'm usually in San Francisco on the weekends and the church is easy for me to access, so it's really the main one I've been attending since my big move) and I am looking to plan a wedding within the next year or so. I'd love to have it at Saints Peter and Paul Church and was wondering how far in advance the date must be arranged and the fees/donations. Any info you could give me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and have a blessed day!

Sincerely, Roxana

Fr. Harold answers:

Dear Roxana,

If you would like a wedding in 2009 at a good time slot, you need to call right away. We have wedding times at 11:00 AM, 1:00 PM and 3:00 PM. The 3 o'clock slots fill up first, then the one o'clock. Most of these are already taken through the spring and summer. I rejoice that you come here for Sunday Mass. Introduce yourself to the priest, come into the office and ask for me, if you wish.

Yes, there are things to take care of in preparing for a Sacramental marriage. I always like to talk about these in person. We do make appointments on Saturdays or Sundays.

Thank you for your service in the USAF.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers,

My fiance and I are engaged and want to marry in Mexico. I am a cradle Catholic, but since I have moved to San Francisco, I have not been attending Mass regularly. My fiance is not Catholic nor baptized in a certain religion. If we were able to marry in the Catholic Church, the chapel in Mexico requires written permission from the local parish priest to have a ceremony there. I would like to get permission to have a wedding in a Catholic Church (with or without a Mass). What is the process in doing so? I live up the street from St. Peter Paul. I think I am a parish member. Thank you for your help.

-A

Fr. Harold answers:

Dear Arlene,

The Catholic Church believes that the single most important thing it does in the whole world is celebrate Eucharist. The Eucharist then is the very center of our life as disciples of Jesus who are especially called together into a community. This is Church.

This is what we know about ourselves as Catholics. Thus when a Catholic person with an intended spouse, are in a Church setting, ready to enter into Marriage, their very presence proclaims out to the world: "God and Church are important to me!"

So before I reply to your questions, I invite you to think if this is what you are about in your desire to get married in the Catholic Church. If it isn't yet there, what decisions must a person make and carry out so that one could enter a true Sacramental Marriage?

These things must underpin one's discipleship of Jesus and thus membership in His Body, the Church.

With this in mind, to be able to get married in Mexico, for a reasonable motive, one should go through all the preparation for marriage here. Then all the documentation with authorization can be sent to the parish priest where the marriage would take place.

So, if you are interested in a Catholic marriage ceremony, please call me to make an appointment along with your fiancé in order to get this going.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Our daughter is engaged to a young man who is baptized Catholic but has no other sacrament in the church. Our daughter is confirmed Catholic. They both want to get married outside in a rose garden. It is our understanding that the Catholic church will not marry outside? We have been told that the Old Roman Catholic Church (priests who have married) can perform a similar ceremony but without the taking of the Eucharist. If they chose this ceremony, would it be honored in the future of their marriage when they want to baptizetheir children and could our daughter receive communion? Also, my husband and I are torn.......should we still pay for their ceremony if they will not agree to a Catholic church wedding? Thank you so much for any information.

Janet & Tom

Dear Janet & Tom,

Technically speaking both a marriage in a garden or in an Old Catholic Church without the OK of the local Bishop (most rarely given) would be "outside" of the Church. For it later to be "blessed" or convalidated in the Church a couple would go to the parish priest of their parish, do all the necessary preparation, then celebrate their Sacrament in the context of the Catholic Church. Who knows if, by that time, there would be an interest in completing the other Sacraments also.

It seems that you two are trying to be "practicing" Catholics. You know that the central thing of the community of the disciples of Jesus (that is, the Church) is celebrating Eucharist. It is sad that so many people decide to be outside the Sacramental element of Church for a time [sometimes for a long time!], yet that is a reality. The Church seeks out these bewildered members and tries to draw them in, completing their Sacraments, working out difficulties, solving dilemmas, clearing up confusion, etc.

Helping with expenses is an act of love. It carries with it an unconditional love for your daughter. It does not imply approval within the practice of Faith for activities of adults [even children] who bear responsibility for their own actions.

So: help with the expenses and attend. Then be parents to whom they can come for counsel when needed.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

I am writing to ask for some advice and reassurance. My fiance and I are preparing for a wedding in the upcoming year, and I would really like it to be in a catholic chruch. we have both been baptized and made our first holy communion but have not been confirmed, theres one more catch we have three beautiful children, who have already been baptized in a catholic chruch. Do you think there will be a problem?

Sonia

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Sonia,

If you are both free to marry, there is no problem for the ceremony to be in a Catholic Church.

If you were both baptized in the Catholic Church, any previous civil marriages would be consider invalid.

Since you had your children baptized, you have an obligation to give them the good example of Catholic living. Your union can be sanctified and the sacrament of Confirmation can follow, if there is no time for it take place before your nuptials.

It is not clear from your queries what your present marital status is, but clarifications can be had by contacting a local Catholic Church, or ask us, if you have further questions.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Father,

I would like to have my marriage blessed in the Catholic church. My husband and I have both been previously married. My first marriage was performed by a justice of the peace, my ex-husband a Protestant. My husband now, was also married by a justice of the peace, for his first marriage, in a non-religious ceremony and he was raised a Lutheran. My husband and I were married to each other in a little military chapel, but the wedding was performed by a friend who marries people. I was baptized Catholic at the age of 12 yrs old and received my First Communion and Confirmation about 7 yrs ago (I am 42 yrs old). When I took classes for my Confirmation and First Communion, I was told my first marriage was not acknowledged by the Catholic church, therefore, I was able to marry again and have it blessed in the Catholic church. I haven't attended church since I moved back to California from Utah, which was early 2002. (Although, I would like you to know, I pray daily and have strong religious beliefs) I would like to get back into the church, but

I need to do it the right way. How do I go about having our wedding blessed in the Catholic church?

Thank you for your time!

Danenne

Fr. John Malloy

Fr. John Malloy responds:

Danenne,

Since your first marriage was entered into out of the Church, the union was invalid and you are free to marry again.

But your husband is not free to be married in the Catholic Church until his first marriage is annulled.

I suggest you speak to a local priest who can advise you as to what process you should initiate.

Don't give up. There is a good possibility that your second union can be blessed in the Church.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB.

Dear Fathers,

My husband and I were married in a Las Vegas chapel two years ago. We were both previously married (each in a civil ceremony) and divorced. I was baptised in the Catholic Church and received my First Holy Communion, but my religious instruction ended at that point. My husband is Catholic and was Confirmed.

Neither of us have been regularly attending Mass, but since the birth of our son, we have felt the need to bring God and the Church back into our lives. We would like to have our son baptized in the Church, but I wonder whether our previous marriages will prevent us from doing so. I understand that we must promise to raise our son according to the teachings of the Church, but will we even be allowed to participate in the Sacraments in our situation? Will we need to have our previous marriages annulled? Will we need to be married in the Church first, and is this even possible?

What do you suggest that we do?

Thank you,

Cheryl

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Dear Cheryl,

Wecome home! You and your husband are being pursued by "The Hound of Heaven."

Your marital status can be rectified and you would be able to reenter into full communion with the Church and have your baby baptized.

Your first marriages are not recogized by the Church, since you were both Catholic at that time.

Present your case to your local pastor, who can walk you through the relatively simple process of a Catholic ceremony, which can be very private.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

I recently got engaged, and my fiance and I are both Catholic. We wish to be married in a Catholic Church. However I feel that this will be impossible since he already has a child out of wedlock. His daughter has been baptized Catholic. Does this mean we can not be married in a Catholic Church?

Andrea

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Andrea,

If your fiancée had no previous marriage, there is no obstacle to a Catholic ceremony.

You would have to go through the usual marriage course required by your parish. It is recommended, of course, that you both make a good confession before receiving this sacrament.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

I am a 54 yr. old widow. My fiance is a divorced 57 yr old protestant. Baptised . if I marry him in a civil ceremony or another church, can I being catholic still go to mass and receive the sacraments.

D

Fr. John Malloy answers:

D,

You can still go Mass, but you may not receive the Sacrasments unless the remarriage is accepted by the Catholic Church.

You should discuss this with your pastor, or some other priest of your chosing, who can explain the ways in which a remrriage would be lawful in the Church.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Hi Father,

I was borne and raised catholic, and at age 8 had my first holly communion. As I grew older, I become inactive in the church, and when I was 23 years old I joined the Mormon Church. A year later I got married in a Mormon temple. Since then, I realized that I made a mistake.

I have been practicing Catholicism now for almost two years. I told to the priest in my parish about 3 weeks ago that I really wanted to take communion but that I have heard that because I’m not marry in the church I can’t. He then went to explain that because I had officially join another church and later married in that church, that all I have to do is going to confession and make a profession of faith. I have talked to some people who told me that he is wrong, but someone informed me that according to 1983 canon law it is ok for me to take communion because first I become a Mormon, and then I got married. I have been married for 14 years and I have two daughters.

Could you please tell me what is the official canon law in my case?

Thank you,

Maria

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Maria,

You do not mention whether or not you are presently divorced.

Your profession of faith is praiseworty, but the marriage must still be examined before you can receive Communion.

If you are still married to a Mormon, you many not receive Communion. That marriage would first have to be approved by the Church Tribunal, or nullified if you are living apart.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Father:

Our parish priest has told us that we should both seek an annulment of our first marriages. I (husband) was married at the age of 19 and my ex-wife was 17. Both my parents and my confessor advised against it saying that we were too young. I really wanted to marry someone else, but her parents were against it, and I felt in my heart that to marry my ex-wife was not a good idea. However, as the saying goes “too soon old too late smart”, I married her anyway. First in secrete by a justice of the peace and latter in church. We stayed together for 19 years, but I always thought about the one mentioned above. As a result, I admit I was not the best husband or farther, in fact I tried everything to isolate myself form my family. I used work, school, and friends, to keep me away or uninvolved with the family. There were good times but looking back I realize that they were few and not truly for the right reasons. During the marriage I drifted away from the church, and, although I went regularly, it was just something that I was expected to do on Sunday.

My present wife, who I always wanted to marry, was my high school sweetheart. Her parents, as she freely admits, were overly protective of her. In there opinion no one measured up to what the wanted. She married a person from our hometown. They were both 20 years old and she has said many times she always felt that the marriage would fail. Her husband turned out to be an alcoholic and became physically and mentally abusive to her and her children. Finally, her parish priest told her that it would be best for her and the children to divorce.

We both met again at a parish picnic about 15 years ago and it seemed like we had been together forever. My marriage was just in name only and we were already on the verge of either a separation or divorce. At any rate, after the divorce, we got together and we married in a civil ceremony 12 years ago. We have been happy ever since.

I am a Byzantine Catholic, she is Roman Catholic, and we began to attend the local Byzantine church. We both became involved in all of the church functions and both feel closer to or faith than ever. She has embraced to liturgy and has said that it makes you feel that you are in church.

The parish was recently assigned a new priest, and he is an honestly wonderful pastor. Farther Jim takes care of two parishes but he always finds the time to come to the functions and brings both parishes together. He really gets to know everyone on a personal level. Once after liturgy, he asked if he could speak to us. He asked why he never notices us at communion, and of course, we told him the reason. We also took time to outline the reasons.

Later, at another discussion, he brought up the idea of us seeking an annulment, and stated he would help us with the paperwork by phone or in person. Farther took the time to obtain the needed papers from two separate dioceses and explained the process to us in detail.

We both would love to be able to have the blessing of the church. However, we do not want to open any old wounds. Your advice would be very helpful to us both.

George and Barbara

Fr. John Malloy answers:

George and Barbara,

You are fortunate to have found Fr. Jim to help you in this difficult situation. There is no way, I believe, that you can bring an annulment to conclusion without opening old wounds. The price you pay is well worth it, if it will bring you back to the Eucharist.

In the Peace of Christ,

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Fathers:

I am very deeply concerned that I will not be able to receive the Holy Eucharist in my own Catholic Parish if I am married in the Episcopal Church. I am Catholic and have received all of my sacraments except matrimony. My future husband is Episcopal. We tried to have our wedding in the Catholic church but were denied because we hadn't been in town long enough to meet their standards of being parishoners for two years prior to booking a wedding there. Please let me know what to do!

Ryan, the Catholic bride

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Ryan,

I suggest you go to another Catholic Church in town or even out of town, and plead your case. Canon Law does not require two year's residency prior to being married.

Or you might call the Bishop's office and ask for the Matrimonial Court.

If it is a problem of no time slot available, permission may even be had from the Bishop to be married in the Episcopal Church, provided you have a Catholic priest or deacon performing the ceremony (together, if necessary with the Episcopal minister).

God bless your marriage!

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Hello. My husband and I have been married for over four years and our wedding was presided over by an American Catholic priest. I was previously married in a civil ceremony and have never been baptized and am not catholic. My husband has been raised catholic and we are trying to start a family. My question is, 'in the eyes of the church' were we married properly? Do I still need to get an annulment to have our marriage recognized? And if I do need an annulment will we still need to have our marriage "blessed"? Also, what will happen if we do have a child? Will they be allowed to be baptized? Thank you for your time and consideration.

Lesley

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Lesley,

A blessed Independence Holiday to you!

You have asked a bunch of technical things in just a few lines. Let me see if I can lead you through the labyrinth. First off is this: the Catholic Church loves and respects true marriage wherever it happens according to law and custom. It makes rules only for its own members to assure itself that a Sacramental marriage has occurred.

Thus from your query there are two marriages involved. [You do not state whether your husband had been married before. If so that would be three.] So, "in the eyes of the Church", as you have phrased it, your first marriage would be considered a valid and true marriage, unless it is proved otherwise. This is presented with documents and testimony for a diocesan Tribunal to examine to see if indeed it were true and valid.

If in the end it has been proved to be invalid [not an authentic marriage], then a "Freedom to Marry" in the Church decree is issued. Then you could marry a Catholic in the Church. Without this "Freedom to Marry" decree your current marriage has not been valid. So you would need to discuss this with your parish priest to see what to do to get it convalidated [i.e. in common language "blessed"] in the Church.

Regarding the Baptism of children: the main issue is whether there is founded hope that the child will be brought up in the "practice of the Faith." Without that hope, what is the point? Sometimes parents not in a good situation, still have the true intention of raising the children in the authentic practice of Faith. That again should be discussed with your parish priest.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

I am not a Catholic although the man I want to marry is! But I want to be married in a church this time because the last time I was married it was not in a church it was by a justice of the peace and my husband from that marriage passed away! Please help I don't even know where to begin to start the process of becoming catholic to be able to be married in the catholic faith! Please any help would kindly be appreciated.

Thank You

Karrie

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Karrie,

You don't have to be a Catholic to be married in the Catholic Church, provided your husband is Catholic. But is does make for a more secure union if both are Catholic.

Your husband would have to promise to have the children raised in the Catholic faith.

The process is simple. Go to the priest of the Catholic parish nearest to you (or one that your fiancé is familiar with).

The priest will want to interview you and your fiance. He will walk you through the process.

You will need the death certificate of your first husband, your baptism certificate (if you were baptized in any religion) and the names of two witnesses who can attest to your freedom to marry. The Catholic party would also have to produce his baptism certificate.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers;

How does one respond to the statement that the Catholic Church is "a work in progress'' to support the assertion that eventually the Church will approve of same sex marriage when it becomes demonstratable that "gays" can have committed loving relationships. To support this the person uses 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. to illustrate the point and advises that "for development of Church doctrine look no further than Paul's change to Jesus' teaching on marriage known as the Pauline privilege." I am familiar with the Pauline privilege. My mother and father were both unbaptized. They divorced and she was baptized Catholic and remarried a Catholic. She always said they had the Pauline privilege. I believe it was actually the Petrine privilege because the matter had to be submitted to Rome (in the late forties.) But as regards same sex marriage I believe that Church teaching on that has been settled and I cannot conceive of any circumstance that could possibly change the Church's position since there will be no new revelation since the death and resurrection of Jesus.

Thank you.

Ila

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Ila,

"Committed loving relationships" a marriage does not make!

Marriage, as the Church has always taught, includes openness to procreation. As a matter of fact, if the partners (or one of them) is (1) not open to having children, or (2) obstructs the marriage act, the union is invalid in the first case and sinful in the second. Sexual acts between same-sex persons are always sinful.

You are correct: " But as regards same sex marriage I believe that Church teaching on that has been settled and I cannot conceive of any circumstance that could possibly change the Church's position."

Regarding Pauline and Petrine privilege, your mother was right. Pauline privilege: both parties unbaptized. Petrine privilege: one baptized, the other not.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Father,

My husband married a Jewish woman in a non-religious ceremony twelve years ago and divorced seven years ago. He and I were married in a non-religious ceremony three years ago. My husband is a catholic that has not been involved in the church since before his first marriage. I was baptized as an infant in the Catholic Church but never received further instruction. My husband had two children in his previous marriage that are being brought up Jewish.

In the past month, I have been attending mass and have wholeheartedly decided that I want to become a member of the Catholic Church. My husband and I are planning to try conceiving a child in about ten months. I realize that my goal of having a catholic family will require a lot of work but I feel that I am being called to the church.

In the mean time, my husband and I are going to set an appointment up with the pastor of the church I have been attending. I believe that my husband will need to have his previous marriage annulled, we will need to have our marriage blessed and I need to begin the process of the RCIA program.

Would you please give me some insight into what you believe his annulment will entail and can we have our marriage blessed by the church or will we be required to have another ceremony? My husband is from Brazil and my family is all over the country – which would make this very difficult.

I would appreciate any insight you can provide.

Thanks,

Shannon

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Shannon,

Actually your situation turns out to be fairly simple and straight-forward. The Catholic Church recognizes, reveres, cares for, fosters, and holds sacred all marriages celebrated according to law and custom for spouses neither of whom belongs to the Catholic Church. That is, the Church makes rules for its own members only, because it believes that baptized persons are only truly married when it is a Sacramental marriage. The requirements are very simple: spouses [man & woman], two witnesses [2 men, or 2 women, or a man & a woman], and the officiant representing the Church: deacon, priest, or bishop. Everything else is extra.

You do not say in your letter whether you had been married before, just your husband. He, a baptized Catholic, was married in a non-religious ceremony. No priest, thus no marriage. You are free to marry. He must show the documents necessary for a declaration to that effect. Your parish priest has already explained this to you, I am sure.

You are interested in finishing the other Sacraments. What a marvelous response to the stirrings of the Holy Spirit in your heart! It is best to do it within a group, which shows the essential element that the Church is the gathered-together community of disciples of Jesus. That is, all of us together. You are already taking steps in that direction.

Gathering the documents for a wedding is quite simple today. Global telephones and the world wide net make communication around the planet very easy. One's family is only a computer or a cell phone away.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

My fiance and I are getting married next month and he recently said something that gave me some concerns. My fiance told me that he would be excommunicated by the Catholic church since we are being married in my Episcopal church and not the Catholic church. Is this true?

A year ago, we had initially looked into getting married in the Catholic church but because I am divorced, we were told that I would have to go through the annulment process which could take a year or more and we would not even be able to set a wedding date until it was finalized. I also had numerous concerns about being in contact with my ex-husband as it was an abusive relationship and I prefer that my ex-husband not know where I am currently living and wish that part of my life to remain in the past where it belongs. My fiance respected my feelings and agreed that it was best not to go through the process.

However, it really troubles me that he is being denied his spirituality by the Catholic church because we are not being married there. It was always my belief that our faiths make us who we are as a person and for my fiance to be denied that sits very uneasily with me.

Can you please explain this more clearly for me?

Sincerely,

Cristina

Fr. Harold replies:

Dear Cristina,

If you had actually begun the process through your local Diocesan Tribunal of investigating whether your first marriage had been a valid marriage, it might have been finished by now. The Tribunal, not you, has the duty of notifying the other person about an on-going investigation. The Tribunal does not give out personal addresses or phone numbers.

One of the things that ordinarily occurs during a Tribunal investigation is a great deal of healing for the petitioner. Normally, just closing the door on the past does not involve the necessary healing required to thrive in a new relationship.

Baptized Catholics, of course, are subject to the rules of the Catholic Church regarding the Sacraments. Marriage is an important one. Both persons must be "free to marry," not just in one's own conscience but in an observable manner. In the Sermon on the Mount in Chapter 5 of the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus proclaims that his disciples are to be "light" in the world; people need to observe the disciples and, seeing such goodness and virtue in their lives, give praise to God.

Since this [freedom to marry] is not demonstrated, your fiancé would not be entering a Sacramental Marriage. Thus he would technically not be able to receive other Sacraments of the Church while still in that situation. The word excommunication involves a direct declaration on the part of Church authorities (bishop, pope). This does not happen for those "married" outside of the Church. They are encouraged to participate in the community of Church as best they can. The hope and desire of the Church [that is, the community of the called-together disciples of Christ] is that, over time, that situation could be solved and the marriage then blessed in the Church.

The actual celebration of a Catholic Sacrament of Matrimony, could happen with the Bishop's permission in a different context than a Catholic parish church. So it is not the place of the marriage that is the important thing, but respecting the principle of the permanence of the true marriage bond summarized in the declaration of Jesus: "What God has joined, men may not separate."

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers,

I have a few questions for you. My fiance and I just recently got engaged and i'm curious about many things. First i'm a practicing Catholic where my fiance is not and we are wanting to have a Catholic wedding. To add onto everything i'm from Canada where he is from Alameda and we are wanting to be married there in his hometown . I've been reading that in order to be married in a specific church you have to be part of the parish. Is that true? We do go regularly to visit his family but i'm really unsure on how to start with the preparations . Should i contact the specific church? Also is it possible to get married any day other then Saturday? I was talking to my mother about this and we weren't sure.

Thank you so much for having a listening ear,

Ange

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Ange,

Yes, there are a few questions in your letter. As you are a practicing Catholic, your desire in getting married should be to celebrate it in the Sacrament of Matrimony in order to answer the call of Jesus to walk with Him in your life. So the first question back to you is: is your fiancé not a Catholic at all? Or just a baptized one who does not practice? There is a big difference, which is not clear from the phrasing in your letter.

Catholic Church practice is that marriages ordinarily take place in the parish of the bride or the groom. With the authorization of one of the home parishes, a marriage may take place in another Catholic church. So you need to check at the parish in Alameda to see what they need for you to celebrate the beginning of your Sacramental life there.

Sacramental weddings may be celebrated any day of the week. Usually Sundays are excluded because of the various Sunday Masses and perhaps Baptism celebrations also. Saturdays are the most desired because of the many guests coming, so that not too many need to take many days off work. Any other day of the week is all right depending upon the schedules of the parishes. Afternoons [evening evenings] are better not to conflict with such things as funerals in the morning, which cannot be planned months ahead of time.

The Church, both in Canada and the U.S.A., has some common expectations in regard to marriage preparation. A diocese may have some special things for that time and place. You will have to check on that.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

On June 3, we received this question:

Dear Fathers,

My husband and I were married 5 years ago by the Justice of the Peace. My husband is not Catholic and has not been baptized. He joined the army shortly after we were married. Last year he left for Iraq and has been attending the RCIA classes there. He was told that he could not come into the church until our marriage was blessed. I went to the pastor at the church I attend and talked to him about this. He said that was true and that we could have our marriage blessed. Our wedding is 5 months away and as I am talking to other people, they are saying that what we have planned is to formal, that we are already married and not to make it that big of a deal. The priest at the church we attend now said that we should have wedding. I am going to have a wedding dress, but not in white. I am going to have a maid of honor and my husband is going to have a best man. My husband will also enter the church the same day and be baptized. I think these are two great events to celebrate. I want to have a full wedding since the one I had before wasn't to much of a wedding. Do you think I am going overboard with this or should we do as the priest has suggested and have a full wedding?

Pax Vobiscum,

Lindsay

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Lindsay,

The Catholic Church makes rules regarding marriage for its own members. When they don’t follow these rules, they have technically just "attempted" marriage. That is because, since disciples of Jesus are to be light in the world, that is observable, the Church wants to do what it can to be sure that the Sacrament of Matrimony truly happens. So you are looking forward to your Sacrament. What a blessing!

And at the same time, your spouse’s entry into the community of disciples of Jesus, the Church! You are totally correct. These are "great events to celebrate." Do it with as much pomp and circumstance you wish. Wear a wonderful white wedding dress, if you like. Invite as many people to participate as you can. These are blessings for everyone to rejoice in.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers:

I have an issue regarding annulment through the Catholic Church. I am a cradle Catholic, interested in getting re-married in the church. I was previously married for 28 years, the last 12-13 years of which sex was basically non existent. My former wife had no physical reasons to prevent or interfere with having sex; just lack of desire, and lack of caring about my needs. I had heart to heart talks with her regarding this several times. Each time, she would apologize, and pledge to try and do better, but "better" never occurred. While still married, I became romantically involved with another woman. After the affair had gone on for 6 months or so, I told my wife of the situation, and moved out. We have since divorced. I am still seeing the same lady that I had the affair with. She too is divorced, and working on her annulment, which a priest has told her should not be a problem, as her previous husband was abusive. I sponsored her through R.C.I.A., and she became Catholic at this past Easter Vigil. We BOTH want to get married in the church, but I have to pursue my annulment first. I have been told by others that a good approach to take on the annulment is to pursue it based on the emotional distress that the lack of sex and affection caused me. I realize that the affair that I had was wrong, and that I should have done things differently. But, there's no way I can go back and re-live that chapter of my life, so I need to move forward. Can you offer any suggestions on what grounds I can best pursue an annulment for the best opportunity to have it approved?

Anthony

Fr. Malloy answers:

Anthony,

You have a difficult problem and there is no easy solution.

My advice would be for you speak to your pastor, or a friendly priest, who can help you. The marriage tribunal of the local diocese has jurisdiction in your case and the local clergy can assist you through the process required.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers,

My daughter and her fiance, both practicing Catholics, would like to be married in a nondenominational historic church near our home. They both belong to a parish some distance away, our daughter has been out of our parish for several years. Is this allowed? And, is so, how would they go about finding an officiant for the service? Would it have to be a priest from our diocese?

Thank you,

Sue

Fr. John Malloy responds:

Sue,

It is possible to be married at a site other than a Catholic Church, but one would have to consult the Bishop's office for such permission, which is rarely given.

You should seek your pastor's advice, but the Bishop's office could also advise you as to a priest or deacon who can help with marriage preparation, and might officiate at the ceremony.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Father,

I have a question that may sound some how silly. I am a Christian girl and I am In love with a Muslim guy since 1 year and now we are planning to get marry. He is a vvery nice guy and he love me and respect me a lot and I know that im gonna be happy with him. The question is if we want to get married in a church is it a must for him to convert into Christianity or we can get marry in church with him staying Muslim.

Thanks a lot.

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Jessy,

In our country (U.S.A.), it is not uncommon that people of different religious beliefs and practices love one another and wish to get married. We respect and honor the personal conscience and values of each other. We have no demands that a future spouse join the other's religion.

However, especially if one of the persons is a baptized and practicing Catholic, there are certain expectations of the Catholic person. The first is to keep practicing the Christian Catholic Faith, and then to raise any children also in this Faith. The non-Catholic person must understand that this is the promise the spouse makes.

How all of this plays out in other countries, I do not know. You need to consult with your local parish priest and follow his guidance.

Blessings and peace at the conclusion of the Easter Season!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

I was married in Sept 2006 in a Catholic church. After 2 weeks of marriage, my wife told me she doesn't love me, doesn't know if she ever did and wanted to separate. I pleaded with her and told her that it was just first year jitters. She reluctantly agreed to give me a year to see if she could fall in love with me.

During that year, I continued, as I always had, to give her my love, compassion and total devotion. However the more love I gave her, the more mean spirited she became. She became more selfish, resentful, and spiteful. During that year of marriage, she continually threatened to leave me, where I would plead with her to stay.

Then in August 2007, she told me that she had been having an affair with another man since December 2006. At that point we separated. We communicated every now and then, but not too much. Since then, it has given me a lot of time to reflect on my life. The person I was before I was married, the person I was during and the person I am now. To say that I grew spiritually since my separation would be an understatement. I had always been a practicing Catholic, but my faith has deepened to the point where all I can think about is becoming a priest, where I can serve God at all times. Sometimes when I think about it, my heart pounds and practically jumps out of my chest.

Yesterday, she told me she had an epiphany. She realized how much she had missed me, how much she wanted to be with me and how she wanted to make things work. We’re in the process of getting a divorce and an annulment is all but certain. My feelings for her have waned and no longer seek joy in her. Do I have a commitment to her still? Should I follow my heart into the priesthood? Your guidance and advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Michael,

Not knowing where you reside, I cannot give you specific sources, but my advice would be to spend some time in a discernment process. That may sound too challenging, but there are many monasteries and religious communities around the country that would allow for a week of retreat and provide consultation with a spiritual director. Through your parish or diocese you might search out a suitable venue. Make sure it is spiritually and religiously orthodox, and staffed by a community loyal to the Church and to the Holy Father. The Holy Spirit will certainly guide you, if you seek God's help with sincerity of heart.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Father,

We are getting married in the Dominican Republic in a civil ceremony. We would like to get our marriage blessed upon our return, I am Catholic and my fiance is Serbian Orthodox. What are our options?

Jelena.

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Jelana,

Is the Dominican Republic one of those nations where everyone must get married civilly, then whoever wants may go to the Church? This seems to be implied in your letter to our website. A further implication: is this the way you are able to have more of your family participate in your marriage ceremony and reception?

If you are yourself a practicing Catholic, you will understand that a civil ceremony by itself does not get you truly married yet. Full marriage privileges and responsibilities do not kick in until you have entered into the Sacrament of Matrimony in the Church. So with this background information, you should contact your own local parish to begin preparation for the Sacrament - even now before you travel.

Blessings and peace in this Easter Season!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

On April 28, we received this question:

Fathers:

I was raised catholic. My husband was not. We were married in a civil ceremony and plan to have children. Can my children be baptized catholic even though my husband isn’t catholic? I attend church and plan to bring my children up In the catholic church.

Also what would it take to have my marriage recognized by the catholic church (and does it need to be recognized prior to my children being baptized)? My husband has never been baptized……

Thank you. Lisa

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Lisa,

It is easy to begin the process to get married in the Catholic Church in the Sacrament of Matrimony. Just introduce yourself to the parish priest in your parish. He [and perhaps a parish team] will walk with you the whole way.

Your letter implies that a child is not on the way yet. Usually a marriage prep and ceremony goes more quickly than pregnancy.

Maybe, in this journey of the Sacraments for yourself and your children, your husband might become interested himself. Remember it a totally free choice on his part, which may not occur for a long time. What a blessing it is to have his support already!

Blessings and peace in this Easter Season!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

hello, i have a question. i am currently with a separated catholic woman for 7 years already. we have a 4 year old daughter.(she has 3 with her husband) we are still waiting for the civil marriage to be annuled and hopefully file that also with the church for a nullification of the marriage. but due to the red tape in the goverment, its taking pretty long. we have not yet lived together but we fall sometimes to the sin of pre-marital sex.

we already have the recommendation of a bishop that her marriage should have been considerd null & void due to the fact that her marriage was faked civilly and that she was pregant when they got married, without going thru the usuall process of counceling of marriage seminars.

let me know what i can do now as i am sad that my daughter is always asking me why i do not sleep in the same house as that of her mother and that why i always leave her and go home to another house. thanks

i want to be a good father to my daughter

Fr. Harold answers:

Dear Franklin,

You did not mention in your letter whether the mother of your daughter had been originally married in Church. If so, that marriage would first have to have a full civil divorce, then a declaration from the Church Tribunal.

I do not know of any State where it takes seven years to go through a divorce. There must be some complications! Does she have an attorney?

Custody and support of the first three children would have to be clearly determined before you could enter into a Church marriage. Be in definite and complete communication with your own local parish priest throughout all this.

Blessings and peace in this Easter Season!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

I was born and raised a strick catholic all my life. Now as an adult I have met and fell in love with a muslim man. He has asked for my hand in marriage. Can you please refresh my memory in the teachings and laws of our catholic faith about marring a mulsim man. If I do, will I be excamuncated from my church and not be allowed to be buried on holy ground many years from now at my death? Thank you for your immedicate response and may God

Bless you.

Praise Be To God,

L. Ricardo

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Lorenza,

No punishment will fall on you if you marry a Muslim man provided you have the permission of the Catholic Church. See your pastor for necessary details.

Many of these mixed marriages have not been successful because of the divergence in what the vows demand according to the Muslim law and custom.

If your husband is an active Muslim and subscribes to the practices of marriage in Muslim countries, make sure you understand the role you will play in your wedded life--quite different from that in the Western world.

Wishing you every blessing in the Lord,

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Fathers:

My son Darren (30) has just moved into the Presidio, which i believe is part of your parish. He has just got engaged to his girlfriend who is non-denominational - never baptised.

They plan to marry in May 2008 in Carmel, CA in a 'simple' Catholic ceremony. I would like to find out for them what the marraige preparation course consists of, so that I can pass that info on and get them started.

Does it differ if his fiance is Non-Catholic? We are 'off the boat' Irish-Catholics from Cork.

Thanks for your help.

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Michael,

I think the Presidio area belongs to Star of the Sea parish, 4420 Geary Blvd., San Francisco. Tel: 415-751-0450.

Every parish office will notify a couple wanting to get married that there is a 6-month preparation period which is stated in every parish bulletin. A Catholic wedding in May of this year, that is next month, is not possible. Perhaps this is a typographical error. In that case, beginning the process in the local parish becomes a simple thing.

Speaking of "simple" - at Carmel Mission there is a small chapel besides the mission parish church. Maybe Fr. Griffin, the pastor there, can receive a couple prepared in San Francisco, and celebrate a wedding in the chapel rather than the church.

All of this is to be decided with the parish priest who is following the couple in the marriage preparation.

Blessings and peace in this Easter Season!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

When my cradle Catholic husband and I got married--a first marriage for both of us--we were married in a Pentecostal church by a woman minister. I was very anti-Catholic at the time, and would not have married him in a Catholic church. I've come to understand the truth and how wrong I was in my presumptions. I've made a profession of faith, and became Catholic on Easter. Now we'd like to have our marriage regularized. Here's my problem: the Protestant church I was baptized did not record baptisms. No record exists. I was baptized in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, but I can't prove it with a certificate. There were no Godparents involved or sponsors in this particular church, and it was many years ago. And because of my fractured family life, only my sister attended. She is actually the only person I could get who was willing to witness the event took place before a notary. The Pentecostal people aren't helping. I don't know if it's because I'm suggesting their marriage ceremony for me was "invalid" or if they just don't want to support my being Catholic. In any case, I'm growing really weary of this battle, which has been going on for several months.

My husband wants to continue being intimate with me, but I'm not sure if I can do that and partake of the Eucharist. I want to be a good Catholic and in a state of grace. Can you help?

Thank you,

Claudia

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Claudia,

Your husband married you in a ceremony that the Church holds as invalid, because he married without his Church's blessing.

When you made your profession of faith, your baptism should have been accepted as valid.

But in any event, if worst came to worst, you could be re-baptized conditionally.

You should approach your local pastor and begin the marriage preparation: papers to fill out and probably some class to attend,

It's really not a difficult situation to resolve.

I wish you God's blessing on your married life.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Father,

I'm currently engaged to my fiance, he is Greek Orthodox I am Catholic. He has been married in a civil service an divorced (she was Catholic). We plan on being married in a civil service in a few months, but we are also planning a marriage in the Catholic Church next year. Do we have to be approved by the Catholic Church to be married since he has been divorced? and do we need anything from his church since he was married in a civil service? Will the Catholic Church recongize our civil service marriage? Will we be able to have a full marriage service because of our differnt religions or will it just be a blessing?

Thank you,

Christina

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Cristina,

Your fiancée's first marriage to a Catholic was invalid because it was entered into without proper form.

He would be free to marry you in the Catholic Church.

You must complete the proper forms for this marriage. The divorce paper would also have to be submitted.

The simplest procedure is to speak to your local parish priest, or the priest of the church in which you expect to celebrate your wedding.

You should not plan to have a civil marriage first. If you do so you will need a dispensation for the Church wedding.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Father,

I have been engaged for two years now and I have always wanted a church wedding. I am Catholic and so is my fiance. In his previous marriage they were married by the justice of the peace first and then a few months later by the Catholic Church. I have also been previously married but not by the Church. Is there any way he can get an annulment and be possible for us to be married in a Catholic Church? She had several affairs during the course of their marriage and as he had one as well. Neither one has been innocent of it. We are very happy together and enjoy life. We want to be able to get married through the Catholic Church, as it has taken us awhile to find that special someone. We have seen our children from our previous marriages bond with each other and become close. Your help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank You,

Mamie

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Mamie,

It is possible to be married in the Church if your spouse can secure an annulment from his first marriage.

The best way to proceed would be to contact your local pastor, or another priest in whom you might have confidence, and explain the situation.

The process would have to go through the Diocesan Tribunal which would investigate the conditions of the first marriage.Testimonies by individuals concerned would have to be to be filed.

It would take some months, but can be rather painlessly handled.

A fee is expected, but this can be negotiated according to need,

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Hello Father,

My fiance had a previous Catholic marriage (15+ or more years ago) in the Philippines. They settled in the US but the marriage ended up in a divorce due to the wife's infidelity and abuse of drugs that led her to be violent to her partner. Though they got divorced in the US, the Catholic union in the Asian country was not petitioned to be annulled.

As Catholics, we intend to get married in the Catholic church, but would like to know the procedures in having the first marriage annulled. The previous wife as what last heard of, is now in a mental facility as the drug abuse damaged her mental capacity. How do we go about having the first marriage annulled -- does it need to be filed to the country where the ceremony took place? Otherwise, what would be the requirements and how long does it usually take?

Thanks and warm regards,

Cecilia

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Cecilia,

Annulment requests can take place in the diocese where the individual seeking the annulment now lives. Your local pastor should be consulted (or some other Catholic priest you know), who can direct you through the proper procedures and the diocesan tribunal.

It would take several months to do due research as to the first marriage. Forms will have to be filed out and individuals, who have knowledge of the first marriage, would have to be interviewed.

Prayers and patience is needed.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

This morning during mass a women approach to me asking for some counseling. Tomorrow she will go through a divorce in which she doesn’t want to go through. She love her husband deeply. It’s been three years they have been marriage by the church. Ever since she got married she suddenly became ill, in such an extent that she almost died, thanks to the doctor a miracle occurred but unfortunately she can’t procreate. Due to this her husband whom always wanted a baby from her got disappointed and left the house a month ago. He told her that he doesn’t want to hurt her but he needs a divorce. He his a very depressive person as stated his wife. She needs counseling, should she sign the divorce or should she try to fight for her matrimony. What could I say to her.

Thanks for your help—anticipated.

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Mary Ruth,

It is very sad for all concerned when love is not unconditional but conditioned on certain things. It seems that the gentleman involved entered marriage conditioned on the fertility of his wife. In a couple of months we are to celebrate the 50th anniversary of a couple. When the husband was making the arrangements for this, I [unsuspecting] asked if there were children involved in the celebration. The answer, so filled with love, was that his wife had been so sickly during their life that they had no children. That is unconditional love.

In this case depending on the particular medical situation, unless there were surgical interventions involved, who is to say that a woman cannot get pregnant, or is too sick to carry a child, or …? Since I am totally unaware of the circumstances, I cannot evaluate it. Her next step is talking sincerely with her parish priest, since clearly it is the man making decisions here. I should say that has made decisions already.

Blessings at Easter!

Fr. Harold Danielson, S.D.B.

Dear Father,

I would like some advice and insight regarding my situation. I am currently engaged to my fiancé for 3 months now and are planning to get married on Aug. ’09. I am Catholic and have been raised Catholic all my life. My fiancé is non-denominational. I still continue to practice Catholicism but it has always been my dream to have a garden wedding. Can this be possible to have a garden wedding officiated by a Roman Catholic priest? I’ve been told that it is the rule in any Roman Catholic Church that wedding ceremonies can only be held inside a catholic church. Is this true? My mother feels VERY strongly about having a Catholic Wedding Ceremony officiated by a priest. She doesn’t mind if a catholic priest will officiate an outdoor wedding.. She would feel hurt and betrayed if my wedding will be officiated by a minister since she has raised me Catholic and sent me to catholic schools all my life. I’ve tried to express my wishes with her but she’s still set on her traditional views. My fiancé and I have talked about this and both agree that it is our choice to decide what we want but I don’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings. I’m realizing that there’s always going to be someone that will disagree with our desires but I don’t want to have any regrets after our wedding day. How can we resolve this issue? I would greatly appreciate your advice in this matter.

Confused?

LC

Fr. John Malloy answers:

LC,

The only way you can have a proper Catholic garden wedding is with permission of the bishop.

Most dioceses would not allow this, because of the sacredness of this union made before God.

I know of one case where the couple had a simple church ceremony, their true wedding, and then had an elaborate garden ceremony where they received a blessing from the priest presider. Such a procedure would not need permission of the bishop.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

I am 65 years old, my ex husband is deceased. We were married in the Catholic Church. I have a special person in my life. He is almost 75 and in poor health. He is divorced for over 30 years. He was married to a Jewish woman in the Jewish Temple. We share a home together but due to his health our relationship is non sexual except for hugs and kisses. We are discussing marriage as we love each other dearly and would like our last years to be spent as husband and wife. Does he have to get an annulment to marry me?

Sue

Fr. John Malloy responds:

Sue,

Unless he was a Catholic when he married (in which case the marriage was invalid), the Church recognizes the union of non-Catholics, and non-Christians, as valid. In those cases an annulment must be secured before the Catholic party can marry in the Church. So yes, he would probably need an annulment.

But do speak to your pastor or some priest you feel comfortable with and discuss the situation.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Hello Father,

I have been dealing with a very terrible situation lately. I am married. About a year ago I had an affair, believing that my marriage was over. I got pregnant with the other mans child. My husband wants to raise my son as his own, however he doesn't believe that the biological father should see his son if I stay. This is ripping my heart out to make such a serious decision.

On the other hand this man wants me to divorce my husband and marry him. He doesn't like the way my husband treats me, he's also worried about our son. He has been wiating for me through the pregnancy and now that my son is 5 months old. I was going to leave to be with him, I just didn't feel that God would forgive me if I divorced and remarried, espacially after commiting adultery. I understand that if I did remarry it would be considered adultery. However , my sons real father wanted to look into this to see how the church feels about my marriage. Both my husband and I are not baptised. Also before I got married my father was very upset with my husband because he refused to ask for my hand in marriage. At the time I went along with my fiance' , and respected the fact that he didn't want to ask for my hand in marriage. Now I feel like it was disrespectful. I was very rebellous towards my father at that time, now that he is dead and gone, I regret it. My father still gave me away only because I told him if he didn't I would find somebody else to give me away. However I knew that he felt like I got married too soon. Is there anyway that God would ever forgive me if I take my son to be with his real father & marry his father. I don't know if I can take my son away from his father, also I feel that it's important for two people to raise there child together. My husband and I do not get along to well, however I am trying to work this out for God. I don't know how God would feel about me taking my son away from his real father. Please give me some advice, I really need it before I reach my breaking point. I have asked God to forgive me over and over again. I know what I did was wrong.

KJM

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear KJM,

O we human beings! What things we get into! It is only Jesus the Good Shepherd who can untangle things so we can be close to Him.

Your situation is certainly leading you to the Lord more deeply in your life. Discerning the Lord's call to you is the important and, at the same time, very difficult thing.

Before you think about who you decide will be the "father" to your child, you should decide if you are going to stay in an abusive relationship over the long run and what that will do to your child. Then there are several choices, not just one. If you decide that you must divorce your current husband that is a decision by itself without reference to that other unfortunate situation by which you now have a child [a wonderful charge from the Lord]. Every baby is loved into being by our loving and merciful God. Every one is precious and this one is entrusted to you his mother! That is now the primary concern, not what status you may be in now or in the future. Just one thing at a time.

Should you actually be formally detached from the husband of the present, then after sufficient time, you may think about marrying someone else. You are not obligated to marry the father of the child, either declared or not declared.

While you are in this interim time and you eventually might wish the child to be baptized, then you have some other things to do. Again this is a separate issue from choosing another husband. Your letter asks how the "church" would evaluate this whole thing.

I presume that might mean the Catholic Church. Is the father of the child perhaps a Catholic? If so, and after the suitable time mentioned above, more concrete possibilities emerge. To explore these possibilities you should consult your local Catholic parish priest so that you have someone who can accompany you in this distressful time in your life as you explore solutions.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

I have been engaged for about a year and a half and been with my fiance for about 5 years. We originally planned a wedding for June 6, 2008 and booked a reception hall for that date.

Well last fall we decided to push back the wedding date to October because of unforeseen circumstances that could not allow us to afford the wedding we wanted.

Just recently, I found out we were expecting a baby, and we decided that we want to be married before the baby arrives and want to move it back to a late June wedding and downsize on the size of the wedding. We both want to marry in a Catholic church, but the problem is that I've read that the church needs to be notified 6 months in advance. If they have openings, will they allow me to reserve now?

Thank you!

Melissa

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Melissa,

Parish bulletins all over the country advise that the process for a wedding should begin at least 6 months before. So if you had started the process that long ago, you would have started far enough ahead of time to still be in time now. If not, then you should be in contact with your parish priest immediately.

If I were your parish priest at this point (notwithstanding that you have been seeing each other for several years already), I would probably advise you to prepare for marriage in the Church by the Sacrament of Marriage, after your child is at least a year old. Then you can really decide without any external pressures or anxieties that you want to remain parents together in the practice of Faith for a lifetime.

The very presence of a couple in a church for the celebration of their marriage is a direct statement to everyone that God and Church are important in your life and that you are doing your best to live up to that proclamation. This, of course, includes many things: a life of real virtue in loving and caring for one another and for children as a family; it means participating with the community of disciples of Jesus at Sunday Eucharist; it means working with integrity; and so many things. There is an impression from your letter that some of these things are not yet in place. This, if a Church wedding happened now, might put the integrity of a Sacramental Marriage into doubt, that is "What did they really intend or mean by that action?"

So the best practical thing to do is get to your parish priest right away and begin this conversation in person.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father;

I am a baptized Catholic. I want to marry in a Catholic Church. My fiancé who is not a Catholic and has never been baptized in any other religion was previously married through a civil ceremony before the Clerk of Court to a female who was also never baptized in any other religion. They are now divorced. Can I get married in a Catholic church to my fiancé?

Maria

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Maria,

It is possible for you to be married in the Catholic Church.

However, the marriage of your fiancé would have to be taken to the Church Court to study the possibility of an annulment of the civil marriage.

Although the previous marriage was between two non baptized persons, the Church recognizes the marriage.

I suggest you speak to a local pastor, or any priest you might know, to learn the steps which must be taken.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Hello, My fiancé and I currently doing our marriage preparations. We have been together for 5 years and I graduated college last year. My fiancé is in the Marine Corps and for medical and insurance reasons due to his line of work we went to a justice of the peace and are legally married and have been since April. As a practicing catholic I do not see us as married until we are untied in the Catholic Church. It is really important to us to have the catholic ceremony. We are planning our wedding for July. We have not told anyone in our family that we had a civil ceremony, because we both don't see ourselves as married until we receive the sacrament of marriage. We have not told the priest we are legally married and we have met with him several times. Is it possible for him to find out that we are legally married? And if he does will it be an issue? I worry that we are lying even though the legal marriage is meaningless to us until the ceremony. We filled out the paper work that will be sent to the diocese, does any of that get checked through the legal system? I'm worried about how the priest will feel if he does find out, will he refuse to let us marry in the Catholic Church?

Please advise.

God Bless

Julie

Fr. John Malloy responds:

Julie,

I admire your desire to deny your marriage until the Church approves it, but the fact of the matter is you are civilly married.

Before you can have the marriage blessed in the Church; the union must be convalidated. That means you will have to speak to the priest and receive proper permission, which is not difficult to obtain. You will need to produce the civil license.

Your family does not have to know anything of this. Don't worry, the priest will not refuse you.

You should go to confession before the marriage either to this priest or any other.

Let me know if you do have a problem and I'll help you solve it.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Father,

My best friend is in the RCIA process here in south Florida. She is divorced from her husband of 20 years and has one son in college. She was baptized Catholic shortly after birth, but her development in the Church after that was non-existent. Her ex-husband is a baptized, non-practicing Protestant. She married him before a Justice of the Peace at the age of 19 (he was 21), only two months after meeting him. Their son was born at around the time of their first anniversary. After the birth of their son, according to her story, she and her husband started drifting apart; but they stayed with the relationship until their son went to college. Three years ago, she expressed to me the desire to begin investigating the Faith. So we started touring around all the churches in Indian River, St. Lucie and Martin counties in south Florida and found one we both like. She has been attending Mass and other celebrations of Faith with me ever since. To bring it back to current time, she is preparing to be received into full communion of the Church at Easter this year.

My question is this: she told me last week that other Catholics have been telling her that because she was married outside the Church that the Church would not recognize the union, making the Annulment Process unnecessary. I told her they were wrong. I have unsuccessfully searched the Internet to get some insight into this question. Please tell me as best you can what the rule is for her case and who is right?

Yours In Christ,

Mary Elizabeth

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Mary Elizabeth.

Your friend as a baptized Catholic, who never renounced the faith, would be bound to Catholic law regarding marriage. Her marriage is not valid, even though civilly lawful, because it was witnessed by a Justice of the Peace. So there is no question of an annulment needed.

However, for her to re-marry in the Church an investigation would be required.. That is easily enough handled.

The parish priest can take care of the necessary paper work.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Hello Fathers,

I am a cradle catholic and my fiance is not. He was previously married and was divorced for over 10 years. We are planning to be married in September 2008 and now I am stumbling over the fact that we need to wait for the paper works from the Marriage Tribunal of the Diocese to approve. I know you mention that you're not the member of the Tribunal but with your experiences in these matters, do you think there will be any delays and complications in this process? If so, should we postpone our wedding date. Thank you for having this forum set up. It's really helpful. Bless you Fathers for your times and guidances.

God Bless,

Antoinette

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Antoinette,

From your letter it looks like you set your wedding date before you had consulted with your parish priest and figured out what has to be done when you want to enter marriage with one who had been married and divorced.

Several possibilities arise from the very little information you provided. You local Diocesan Tribunal will ask for more, of course.

First of all, the Church recognizes all marriages to be true and valid when done according to law and custom. It only makes rules for its own members. So in the first instance marriages between spouses neither of whom is connected to the Catholic Church are thought to be true marriages, unless it is proven otherwise.

Some situations are very simple; others more complex. For example, your fiancé, not a Catholic himself, was his first wife Catholic, by any chance? If so, the Tribunal could give a declaration of Freedom to Marry to him, because his wife, a Catholic, did not follow the norms of the Church to get married.

If she also was not a Catholic, then a thorough investigation will be made to discover if, before that wedding, any essential element had been missing which would make that marriage null and void. Sometimes this is very straightforward and simple. Sometimes a combination of things has to be put together which vitiated the authentic wedding promises. This may take some time as the Tribunal must act with "due diligence," following the procedures step by step.

So a Sacramental marriage celebrated in the Catholic Church would have to wait until a judgment from the Tribunal, and its automatic appeal, have been completed.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear father,

I was born in california where I remain, and went to latin america where I met my first cousin's daughter, we fell in love & 1 year later we got married in her foreign country it was completely legal but I filed for her spousal visa about 1 year later. the petition was approved & now she will be scheduled for the interview with the u.s consul. I hope the u.s consul won't reject her visa, father should I worry?

yours truly- rudy

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Rudy,

Most States accept valid marriages done in other countries. Besides that some States allow first cousins to get married, even the Church with the Bishop's permission. Your marriage is already one more degree removed from your first cousin, there should be no difficulty at all!

Be ready to receive your wife in the U.S.A. and begin her road to citizenship.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

My husband and I eloped last year. We are thinking of getting married in a Catholic Church by November 2008. We are both Catholic but none of us go to church. I guess we can say that we don't practice the religion now. I used to go to Church and I went to a catholic school in my own country but not here. I guess my question is, if we want to do the wedding in a Catholic Church what is the process of the preparation and how long it takes? Since we're planning out wedding in November, when is the latest we could start the preparation?

Many thanks

Luisa

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Luisa,

Among other things, when a couple is asking their marriage to be blessed in the Church, which means entering into the Sacrament of Matrimony, a couple should figure out what their relationship to the Church community is going to be.

Hopefully, a preparation for the Sacrament would mean preparation for and practicing the other Sacraments. If that is not in view, then of what use is asking the Church for the blessing? It becomes just a show, not to use stronger words.

In our parish for a wedding in November 2008, a couple would already be too late. As of today there is only one 11:00 AM wedding time in November 2008. Everything else is already taken. Most other parishes certainly have less weddings than Sts. Peter & Paul and time slots are open.

So, depending on how you together plan to live as Catholics, you should contact your parish very soon, since the ordinary directive all over the country is "at least six months in advance."

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

I just recently got engaged (I am Catholic, he is not religious) and we plan to marry in the Catholic Church in the Spring of 2009. I normally attend mass at Santa Clara University where I attended college, but I don't believe I am an official member of the parish, as I never registered as such. I may still be a member of the parish in Arizona where I grew up. I am moving to San Francisco in the next couple months and intend to become a member of the St. Peter and Paul Parish. Is it okay to wait until the move to San Francisco to begin the process, or should I start at Santa Clara, or Arizona?

Thanks!

Darcie

Fr. Harold answers:

Dear Darcie,

Spring of 2009 is just over a year from now. Dates are beginning to fill up.

So, with a view to registering at SS. Peter & Paul when you move to San Francisco, try to make an appointment ASAP. Then there will be sufficient time for the preparation without rushing.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

My fiance and I were engaged in November 2007. He is from Sweden and currently in the US on a J1-visa. Because of the visa restrictions, our current engagement disallows him from exiting and re-entering the US. We are told by immigration lawyers that this is because the US views engagement as an intent to permanently remain in the US therefore the person should apply for a greencard, rather than be in the US on a visa.

With that information, we are considering civilly marrying in March 2008 in San Francisco and having a catholic marriage in May 2009 in Sweden. Civilly marrying sooner would allow him the freedom to travel back and forth to his home country sooner.

I was raised catholic and this issue has been especially difficult for my catholic family to understand. My fiance and I only want to do what is best. We value being married in the church (my fiance is christian not catholic) and we want to make the right decision that allows us to reach our end goal: to be married.

Can we still have a Catholic wedding ceremony (outside of mass) if we are civilly married first? Can we still participate in pre-cana if we are civilly married first?

Thank you for your assistance.

Kind regards,

Aimee

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Aimee,

Yes, you can have a Catholic wedding ceremony (outside of mass), even if you have been civilly married first.

And yes, you can still participate in pre-cana if you are civilly married first.

Your request is not an unusual one.

However, there are certain conditions: that there was no previous marriage bond for either of you; that you complete the local requirements; and that you obtain permission for the ceremony to take place in Sweden.

Your contact priest should be able to help you fulfill the conditions and find a church in Sweden for the blessing--with the support of the Bishop's office.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB.

Nancy

Fr. John Malloy responds:

Nancy,

A Retired Catholic priest can officiate at a Catholic wedding, if he has permission of the local bishop.

The site of the wedding, normally the Catholic Church, may also be outside the church, but always with the permission of the Bishop.

Without proper permissions the wedding is invalid, although it may be civilly legal.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

My son is 30yrs old..a baptized and confirmed catholic. He was in college, pursuing a medical degree and did not date much. He was introduced to a 33 yr old girl by a friend and they began dating.

Unfortunately before he had time to really know her very well,,, they were expecting a baby. When the pregnancy was confirmed my son rented a house and they moved in together and he began taking care of her and himself on his student loans. They baby was born and is now a year old....and their relationship has weathered the pressures of the situation. In my opinion they are very well suited

They would like to marry, she is fine with raising the child catholic...but ....she was baptized Presbyterian, was married in a civil service to a baptized non practicing catholic when she was 19...the marriage was very abusive, and she eventually divorced the man.

They consulted my son's priest, who led her through the application for annulment. It was denied by the diocese tribunal because she does not know where her ex is and does not want to try to find him. She has spent many years trying to get as far away from him as she could. She feels if he knew where she was he might try to hurt her. The tribunal denied her request because she could not give the whereabouts of her ex.

Because of this they have decided to marry anyway...outside the church. I know this is not what they wanted. My heart is breaking because it seems to me that this is just a simple defect of form case. Any advice?

Kay

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Kay,

I am not a Tribunal officer but just a parochial vicar and former pastor who has been in parishes in two different Provinces in Canada and two different U.S.A. States. So my comments to your letter are only a parish priest's thoughts.

I think that the main thing that a Tribunal is looking for is not so much the whereabouts of the former spouse but the Baptism certificate. This can be obtained without anyone knowing about it. Your "daughter-in-law" can find her former husband's city of birth on the original marriage license. You could contact the parishes in that town to see where he was baptized and get a certificate. Perhaps she knows where a relative of his lives from whom you might be able to find out which church he was baptized in.

Our Tribunal uses the term "due diligence" to describe its work. Thus all persons involved, even as friends, also must exercise "due diligence." With the original marriage certificate and divorce papers in hand along with this elusive Baptism certificate, it seems to me a Tribunal could go ahead for a "Freedom to Marry" rescript.

A couple of other notes: The original marriage license will have the date of birth of each person. When asking parish secretaries to look up a possible Baptism they would only have to look from the birth date up to a year later. With the index in the front of the Baptism register, this means looking up the name between the page of the date of birth to one year later. It is best, of course, to include the name of the parents, which also is found on the original marriage license. Maybe the main hospital where he was born is in another town from where the family lived. So the circle of parishes is enlarged somewhat.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

I am divorced and recently engaged to my fiancé. I would like to get married in the Catholic church (we are both Catholic) but because I am divorced it is understood that I must obtain a religious annulment. I am not sure how to get the process started. I have heard that it takes five years for this process to be completed and we do not want to wait this long. It is important to both us and our families that we marry in a Catholic church. Is there no hope for us?

Sincerely,

Ms. Hopeful

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Ms. Hopeful,

When you go to see your parish priest, the first thing he will ask you is something you omitted in your letter to this website. Was your first marriage celebrated in the Catholic Church? If not, the process is very simple. Begin your marriage preparation without delay.

If yes, there is a process through which your Diocesan Tribunal will guide you. This process investigates the circumstances surrounding your first marriage to see if anything essential was lacking for it to have been a true marriage in the first place. There is an extensive procedure for this. It does take some time for all those concerned to be notified and give their testimony. But the final determination is certainly less than 5 years. Someone greatly exaggerated it to you.

You mention that being married in the Church is important for you. Your parish priest will realize how important when he recognizes you when you go in to meet him. That is: he sees you each Sunday after Mass. He will remember you without knowing your name because he has greeted you so often.

Of course, if one does not participate at Sunday Mass and without a sincere intention to do so, then celebrating marriage in the Church would be a meaningless exercise. It would only be a good photo opportunity with little to do with faith and its practice.

God love has been demonstrated to us in our Baptism. God's faithfulness endures, no matter what we actually do. Of course, it flourishes all the more with our wholehearted response to the call of Jesus in our daily life.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Hi Fathers:

3 years ago, I (a catholic) met a guy (Not a Catholic) and had a liking for him, who was married. Naively, to get it off my chest and hoping that he would reject me so tt I can forget him, I told this guy of my feelings and to my surprise, I found out that this guy’s marriage has already broken down years ago and that this guy already wanted to divorce his wife but have yet to put a date to it, but soon.

I and the guy decided that the only way was to get a legal divorce b4 we could begin a relationship as I was clear I didn’t want to be his mistress. Time has past, they have gotten the legal divorce and we will be applying for an annulment based on 2 factors; non-consummation and a verbal condition between them before marriage of not having children. However, I have this nagging question on my mind and conscience that though “technically” I didn’t break up their marriage…I feel that I “expedited” the guy’s decision to divorce his wife. With or without me, the guy would ultimately divorce his wife in a year or so coz they didn't hv a good foundation and it was beyond reconciliation at the time when I met him and made the decision to be tog. Thus, I hv been trying to seek an answer from God, if I continue the relationship with this guy and ultimately marries him (if the annulment is successful), would I be committing adultery (since I did express my love to a married man though I wasn’t the cause of the breakdown of the marriage)? Would I be living in a state of sin…would I be committing a mortal sin?

Lastly, should I inform the Tribunal about how we got tog though on the forms, they didn't ask. I'm fearful tt if I reveal how we got tog, it'll affect the annulment process....

Thanks for helping to answer my many queries.

Fr. John Itzaina answers:

Dear Ms. Hopeful,

All relationships are messy and some are messier than others. Though, you don't have the mother-of-all messy relationships, to you it can be disconcerting and painful. You probably should take some responsibility for the denouement of your fiance's marriage. Not wanting to be a mistress may have been the catalyst to begin the divorce proceedings.

I applaud you for pushing your fiance to pursue an annulment. There are a lot of factors involved in obtaining an annulment and not always are they granted. What would you do if the annulment is not granted? To ask that question may give you some clarity of your spiritual life. Nobody can judge whether you are in mortal (grievous, serious) sin except God. Why don't you seek reconciliation in confession; discuss the matter with your confessor; and be painfully honest with your fiance about your feelings and your misgivings?

I wouldn't worry about implicating you in the tribunal process. From the reasons given for a possible annulment, there doesn't seem to be any connection. Try to be a good Catholic and hope that God will show you the way. From your questioning, you seem to be doing just that.

Fr. John Itzaina

dear fathe,

my first cousin and my sister want to marry eachother. he said that catholic church laws allow to first cousins get marry if they have the dispensation from diocese. is that right? my opinion is it is against the laws of catholic and it is incest. i think the only sittuation that first cousin can be married is when thay alreaday got marry without knowing they are first cousin, in this sittuation they could be dispensed. but in my familly case, they knew they are first cousin for a long time but they still want to go futher. can you give me some advices to this case?

i look forward to your respond

Khanh

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Khanh,

Yes, your understanding is mostly correct. However, there are certain exceptions depending on place and circumstance.

In Canon [Church] Law marriages are forbidden between relatives in direct line always and in collateral line to the third degree [uncle-niece, aunt-nephew], and forth degree [first cousins]. However in places (States or nations) where these marriages are allowed, then Church law can also allow them with the permission of the Diocesan Bishop.

Some of the States of the U.S.A. allow first cousin marriages. You should look up whether you live in one of these.

Also a Bishop would need some substantial reasons to grant a dispensation for this to happen. So your relatives should do some external research to see if it is indeed legal, and also some serious internal research to see if this is how God is calling them as disciples in the Church [the called together disciples of Jesus Christ].

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

On December 17, we received this question:

Dear Father,

Although I am from the Midwest, I had occasion to visit your beautiful church last summer while vacationing in San Francisco. What an inspirational experience! Just this evening I happened across your Q&A webpage, so I would like to take this opportunity to ask a few questions.

A little background: My wife immigrated to the U.S. two years ago utilizing a K-1 Fiancée visa. One of the requirements of this visa is that we had to get married within 90 days of her arrival in the U.S. In order to fulfill this requirement, we had a civil ceremony. She comes from a very Catholic country and has been a devout Catholic her whole life. Although she has not made an issue of it, I'm sure that she would like to have our marriage blessed by the Church. I have been attending Mass with her every week since her arrival and find myself inspired not only by my wife's faith, but by the beauty of the Mass itself. Consequently, I join her in her desire to have our marriage recognized by the Church, and have given serious consideration to converting. In fact, the priest of the parish where we have been going to Mass has invited us to attend the R.C.I.A. class that is currently in progress. (I was raised in the Lutheran Church). As I read over the questions on your very informative website, however, I see a rather large "bump in the road" ahead. The problem is that I was married many years ago - 32 years to be exact. We were both of legal age and knew what we were doing. We entered into this marriage with the idea that we would be together " 'till death do us part," and we were married in a non-denominational church, which she had be a member of her whole life, so neither of us were Catholic. Sadly, after eight years, we divorced. (Her idea, if that makes any difference.) From my reading of your website, it would appear that we would have to appeal to a Church Tribunal to have my previous marriage declared "invalid." So, after this lengthy introduction, my questions are as follows:

1. Would my former wife have to be involved in this process? I haven't spoken to her in over 20 years and while I'm sure I could locate her, I have absolutely no desire to dredge up that part of my life. Further, I suspect that a request for assistance in declaring our eight-year-long marriage "invalid" would not be met with a spirit of cheerful cooperation.

2. While I certainly cannot expect you to speculate on the outcome of a Church Tribunal, what would be the consequences of a finding that my previous marriage was, in fact, a valid one? Would my current wife and I just be "out of luck?"

I look forward to your response.

David

Fr. John Malloy responds:

David,

Your marital situation does present a difficult situation, but one that is not insurmountable.

Your first marriage would have to be examined by the Church Tribunal. The local Catholic pastor can help you with this. Certain forms would have to be submitted and your first wife would have to be contacted.

If she is unwilling to cooperate, the case can still continue with the help of testimony from some who have known of this marriage and its circumstances.

I would encourage your enrolment in the RCIA program.That itself can be of help in the tribunal process.

I do believe from what you say that there are grounds for an annulment.

May God Bess you with Christmas joy and peace!

I will remember you in my Christmas Masses.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Hello Father,

Thank you for having such a helpful and open website. The FAQs you provide are so helpful and informative.

I'm writing with an inquiry about marriages at your church. My fiance and I are both baptized and confirmed Catholics from separate parts of the globe - he from Puerto Rico and I from Pennsylvania. We are not currently the member of any Catholic parish, but as we prepare for our wedding and our lives together as husband and wife, we know that it is important to us to return to the Church and to join a parish. As part of that, we would like to celebrate our wedding in a Church with a religious ceremony.

This is where things get complicated. We are planning to get married in San Francisco in either September or October of 2008. However, we live in Mill Valley and are joining a parish here (Our Lady of Mount Carmel). We would very much like to find a church in San Francsisco in which to celebrate our wedding, but it is so difficult to find one that will allow us to marry there if we haven't been parishoners of that church (or of another) for at least 6 months.

Does your Church allow people in situations like our own to wed there? If so, what are the steps that we could take to make this happen?

Thank you so much for any insight you can share. We would truly appreciate your help!

-Emily

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Emily,

For persons coming from another place asking for a wedding at a specific church [in this case SS. Peter & Paul], the first thing is to go to the local parish church and obtain a letter of authorization [transfer of "jurisdiction"] from their parish to do the celebration of Sacramental marriage in our parish.

Then for our parish a couple would need to call far ahead of time, beyond the "six months" stated in all parish bulletins, to find a wedding slot. For September and October of 2008, most of the wedding times are already spoken for, except some of the 11:00 AM times. Our wedding times are on Saturdays at 11:00 AM, 1:00 PM, and 3:00 PM. Weddings are not prohibited on the other days of the week. People choose Saturdays because of work considerations for many people; it's on the weekend; etc. There is no time for weddings on Sundays here at SSPP.

Next in order is collecting documents, filling out forms, doing a pre-marital inventory, taking a formal marriage preparation seminar, preparing the liturgy, etc. Most of this part could take place in the couple's own parish [more convenient to them] or we could lead it from here, depending on circumstances.

The first paragraph of your letter shows that the Holy Spirit is already active in your life and you are responding. Praise and thanks to God! Keep acting on the daily nudges of the Spirit, being attentive to the present moment. St. Paul affirms that, to those who love God, everything works out for good in the end.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

My daughter is only Baptised Catholic & her Fiancé has never been Christened They are both British & live in England however intend to have a civil ceremony in Italy and would like to have a blessing in a small catholic church afterwards.

Is this possible and whose decision is final & what paperwork is required?

Regards,

Celia

Fr. John Malloy responds:

Celia,

Your daughter would have to speak to the priest in whose parish she lives. It would be up to him to arrange for a ceremony in the Catholic Church in Italy.

The ceremony is possible, but there are forms to be completed including:

a recent copy of your daughter's baptism certificate,

a declaration from each of the couple as to their freedom to marry,

a witness for the bride and one for the groom attesting to this same freedom.

Your daughter would have to promise to raise the children as Catholic.

A dispensation for mixed marriage (Catholic and non-Catholic) would have to be obtained through the local pastor but from the bishop in England.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Father; is it acceptable for a couple married in a civil ceremony to request a Catholic marriage without pre-cana, banns of marriage or without having received a sacrament such as Confirmation? I am not sure if they are practicing Catholics. I have been instructed as the High School religious educator to prepare this couple for Confirmation, we will not make our high school Confirmation until May and this couple is being married in 4 days! Is it not the Pastors responsibility to prepare all married couples for marriage? I would appreciate any direction you can give.

Jean

Fr. John Malloy responds:

Jean,

Yes, it is the pastor's duty to prepare couples for marriage in their jurisdiction.

However, the duty can be delegated to a team or a person prepared to undertake this task.

It is not an absolute requirement that couples be confirmed before they receive the marriage sacrament, though it is advisable and every effort should be made to have the couple fulfill this obligation.

Banns of marriage are no longer the requirement they once were and in many places they are now omitted.

Pre--marital instruction is a golden opportunity to instruct the couple as to their duties to each other and their future children. Attending Mass and going to confession are prime duties.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

Dear Father,

My sister in-law eloped and married an atheist. Since then her family has tried to convince him to have their marriage blessed by the Church, but he refuses to do so. So she chooses to follow heart instead of her faith. She is planning to have a wedding reception this Saturday. I'm having a very hard time deciding whether to attend or not. I heard that it is ok to attend the reception for family unity as long as we make it know to the couple and others that you do not condone this marriage and you're attending only for family unity. Please correct if I'm wrong.

Jasmine

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Jasmine,

I am deeply touched by your consciousness that disciples of Jesus are to be light in the world such that others observing them can give praise and glory to God. In Matthew Chapter 5, Jesus notes that people should see his friends' good works, then give glory to God.

Also consider whom Jesus went to dinner with: prostitutes and tax collectors, hypocrites and sinners. His presence was goodness, virtue, blessing and invitation to all present. That is the Good News of God's love for each one of us in Jesus Christ His Son.

All of the above are the practicing Catholic's attitude in attending functions where the main persons may or may not be in full harmony of Church law or even God's law.

I think a perpetual Mass enrollment will mean something to the Catholic person that you yourself will always remember them with blessing and praise to God for who they continue to be as true creatures of the loving Father and His children always. [Note: You do not have to say that to them. It is understood.] The enrollment would be appropriate besides a good money gift to help them.

I only picked up this letter a few minutes ago. I hope you have enough time to prepare for the reception. Go, filled with God's love enflamed by the Holy Spirit. Let that be the particular gift you are sharing with the couple and everyone else. Show that disciples of Jesus know how to have a good time in the family of God.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers,

I would like to inquire if it is allright to marry somebody who is a muslim and has before been married to another muslim? Does the Church recognizes their marriage? If they divorce and the Muslim guy becomes a Catholic Christian, is he allowed to marry a Catholic in the Church?

Thank you for answering my queries.

Best regards,

Diahann

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Diahann,

Marriage between Muslims is recognized as valid by the Catholic Church.

There is no Church law that forbids the marriage of Catholic and Muslim.

For a Catholic marriage certain conditions are required:

(1) the Muslim must not have been married previously (unless the first marriage has been declared invalid by the Catholic Church);

(2) The Muslim partner must allow the children to be raised Catholic:

(3) The Muslim must promise not to obstruct the Catholic worship of the partner.

For the Muslims to remarry in the Church, after legal divorce, it must be proven that there was a diriment impediment in the first marriage; that is, the first marriage was invalid.

If the Muslim converts to the Catholic faith, he/she may request the Pauline Privilege, where by the marriage of two non baptized people (in this case both Muslims) ends because one of them is baptized.

The case would have to be presented to the Marriage Tribunal of the Diocese.

You should consult the local pastor.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Hello,

My daughter has lived in the bay area for her upbringing, attending a Catholic High School.

Her fiancee is living in England. He is also Catholic. Both have their baptism, first communion and confirmation, but neither are attending regular church at this time.

They will be married outdoors in south Santa Clara County next August.

Is it going to be possible to find a priest that would perform the ceremony outside, in a quiet, peaceful setting ? How would I go about finding one ?

I understand there are classes to attend, if so, can this be done at any parish, since they are both out of the area at this time and are not together. They would be able to do classes in the summer, when they are both in santa clara area, June & July. How many classes are there and do they need to attend them together ? Can he take them in England at his local parish and she take them in the town where she is now attending school ?

If we cannot find a priest to do an outdoor wedding, we also were discussing a blessing in the Catholic Church in England, after the civil wedding in California. Would this be considered a registered Catholic wedding ?

Thank you so much for your assistance in this matter.

Laura

Fr. Harold Danielson:

Dear Laura,

It is wonderful that you are concerned about your daughter's marriage in the Church. However, it is for her and her fiancé to figure it out. I know that the official policy in the Diocese of San Jose is that Sacramental Marriages are celebrated in a parish church. Finding a Catholic priest who would officiate against the policy of the diocese should be not possible; even if one were found in these circumstances, the marriage officiated by him would be invalid.

So if their wedding is planned already to be out of doors, there is nothing you can do. If they choose to enter into a Sacramental Marriage later on, they would do the appropriate preparation, hoping that part of the preparation would be better practice of the Faith, so that the marriage would be convalidated ["blessed"] in the Church.

If they are actually wishing to enter a Sacramental Marriage, either he or she should be in contact with the parish priest immediately to inquire about it.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

My grandson is half Jewish (was having Jewish circumcision ceremony conducted by Mohel and a Rabbi on 8th day of his birthday – Brisk)

Is it appropriate for him to be baptized at the church? How do you feel about this? Would that have enough of spiritual values?

Thank you in advance,

P.S. Your advice for his grandparent of both sides (should they participate or not necessarily)

Looking forward to hear from you soon

Fr. Harold Danielson:

Dear Marina,

The best thing that both sets of grandparents can do for their grandchildren is to pray for them. Pray for them entrusting them into the hands of their loving Father and Creator.

Baptism implies that one not only enters the community of Church [the gathered together disciples of Jesus] but also grows in that community throughout life. In fact every person is baptized with that hope, for without that founded hope, a Baptism is illicit.

So you pray, and your grandson's parents will do what they are inspired by the Holy Spirit to do.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

I have recently met a man who was also married for 20 years and his wife left him and they divorced. He has been divorced 6 years. He is of the Christian denomination, not Catholic.

I would like to marry within the Catholic church. If I marry him can we remarry later in the Catholic Church. Can I obtain an annullment in these circumstances?

I so much want to remain in the Catholic Church.

Thank you very much.

Fr. Harold Answers:

Dear Juanita,

In order for you to celebrate the Sacrament of Marriage in the Catholic Church, the first marriages of both of you must be looked into by your local Diocesan Tribunal. There may be a different rationale for each of them. So I shall do it one at a time.

Your first marriage: It was marriage in Church, so you did the preparation and filled out various forms. So this marriage has to be examined to see if something was present at the time of the wedding that was inconsistent for a true marriage. This is done though a detailed process at the Tribunal.

His first marriage: If perchance he had been married to a baptized Catholic and not in a Catholic church, then [after presenting certain documents] the marriage could be declared invalid for not having followed the directives of the Church in getting married.

If, on the other hand, if his first spouse was not a Catholic [as you have said that he himself is not], then [following the principles underlying true marriages] the Tribunal would have to look at his first marriage also.

In the meantime pray for the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and consult your parish priest about it.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Hi Fathers,

Our friends are getting married in two weeks; the bride is Catholic and the groom is Lutheran. They will be married in a traditional Catholic ceremony at the bride’s church. Is it permissible for the groom to take Communion under these circumstances?

Thanks!

Katie

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Katherine,

Sometimes the Canon [Church] Law permits a Sacrament to baptized persons who do not have access to clergy of their own faith community. Please call your local Diocesan Tribunal to check what the directives of the Bishop are in your diocese.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

I was baptized Catholic, but never been confirmed or received communion. My husband of three years is also a catholic, but has been confirmed.

I was married 9 years ago for a very short period of time weeks), and I had the marriage annulled. My husband was married for 13 years before me to a non-catholic women in a civil ceremony by the J.P. He was divorced when I met him and we were also married in a civil ceremony by the J.P.

I am currently enrolled in RCIA classes to be confirmed along with my son who is not yet baptized, who also wishes to be confirmed. My husband and I would like to have our marriage recognized by the church. Since his first marriage was to a non-catholic outside the church, does he need to get it annulled before we can have our marriage recognized? Can I stay enrolled in my RCIA classes and be confirmed if our marriage is not recognized? How do we go about this?

Michelle

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Michelle,

It is wonderful that you have started the RCIA program to complete the Initiation Sacraments in your life!

It is good that you are asking good questions now at the beginning of the school year. Of course, you should be in dialog with your local Diocesan Tribunal. Both you and your husband must present some documentation regarding your marriages, even though yours was of such short duration.

The Church [that is, the called-together community of disciples of Jesus] remains limited because we are all human members. Certainly the Divine Headship of Jesus and the presence of the Holy Spirit within us making us children of God the Father builds us up in spirit to be ready for our encounter directly with God when we die. But in the meantime, here on earth, we must become more and more "light for the world" as Jesus calls us to be in Chapter 5 of the Gospel of Matthew. Disciples of Jesus are to be observed so that all who see them may give praise to God.

Thus, in our human way we must do all we can to be sure that from the external points of view everything is OK. Our "internal" consciousness is only between us and God.

In your letter you say "annulment" regarding your first very brief marriage. If that was a civil action, then you yourself should get in contact with the Tribunal to review your situation regarding that marriage. From a very brief assessment from your letter, it would seem that a declaration of invalidity would probably be in order. Then from both you and your husband's side you would be "free to marry in the Catholic Church."

I think the journey of faith that all candidates in the RCIA are making is reason of itself to continue even should other things not come together perfectly. May that journey together be most fruitful for all participants. I know that my own faith journey [more than 40 years a priest now] has been enriched by my participation in our parish's RCIA.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

I grew up in very strict Catholic family maybe, you can even call it old fashion. I'm a practicing my religion not as much as I should. Growing up I was preach that there were very few and far behind reasons why you could get divorce in a Catholic Church. And if only there were no children brought to this world.

Unfortunately, my life did not go like should of. My marriage fall a part I have a child. I try to go to Church every Sunday but, it is very hard for me to deal with the fact that I can't receive communion. I did remarried and in our religion I live in sin. I deal with this guilt every day of my life. I was told many times that I can apply to have my first marriage annulled. But, like I said before how can I erase the fact when there is a child from the marriage.

So the way I see it; if I pay the money to church my sin gets washed away? It will not change the way I feel so why should I do it? I would truly feel like Judas.

Beside, I truly believe that Mary Magdalene was forgiven for her sins so God will forgive me too.

Another issue:

My niece was born month ago her parents are both practicing Catholics they asked me to be a Godmother I don't want to say no but, will I be turn away by the church because of the way I live now?

Helen

Fr. John Itzaina answers:

Helen,

It's not easy to be a Christian and a Catholic these days! All of us make so many bad choices during our lives, and yet most of us can remedy them with a good confession and firm purpose of amendment. Things can really get sticky when one gets married, divorces, and then remarries. In this case, it takes more than a good confession to remedy the situation. The reason is the Catholic Church believes that a valid marriage is forever in duration and exclusive. Although divorce is permitted, remarriage isn't. Divorce is a civil thing, not a Church thing. Until proven otherwise that there wasn't a marriage in the first place, you're still married in the eyes of the Church.

The only thing you can do is try to get your marriage annulled. If you are granted an annulment, it means that a sacramental marriage never happened, but it doesn't mean that your child or children are born out of wedlock. Civilly and in the eyes of the Church your children fulfill all the prerequisites of coming from a family.

My advice is to go to your pastor or associate pastor or deacon in the parish you go to Church and begin the process. There are many reasons why a marriage can be annulled, so be as honest and complete as possible. It can be a very humiliating experience to have to talk about failure or deceit or ignorance or infidelity or immaturity but these are the very reasons why a marriage might not be valid. And there are many other, more technical reasons too. Yet, the whole process can be an opportunity to learn things about yourself, how much you really love God and the Church, and get in touch with who and what you really are.

God has already blessed you with that yearning to make things right. And God will always love you.

Fr. John Itzaina, SDB

Dear Fathers,

I am beginning RCIA classes next week. I was married 20 years ago to a non-practicing Catholic in a civil ceremony in Europe; the marriage lasted two years. I remarried 5 years ago to a man from a Muslim background, albeit, a very liberal, secular one. This was his first marriage and my second. My husband has absolutely no objections to my converting to Catholicism, and I have made clear my intentions to raise any children from this marriage in the Catholic church. However, he has stated his unwillingness to undertake any process in order to have our marriage recognized by the Church. As I mentioned, he is quite secular in his thinking and views this as unnecessary and somewhat invasive. My questions are thus:

(1) Do I need to have the first marriage annulled in order to proceed with RCIA and eventually receive Eucharist?

(2) If my current marriage is not recognized by the Church, will this prevent me from receiving Eucharist?

(3) Should my husband have a change of heart, are there mechanisms in place that allow a marriage between a Catholic and non-Christian to be recognized by the Church?

Thank you and all good wishes,

Isabelle

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Isabelle,

In answering your questions I shall give a line of principal backing for what your situation seems to be. A direct personal inquiry to your local Diocesan Tribunal would clear it up easily. And your husband does not need to enter into the picture, except and unless he wants to be present in support of you.

The Catholic Church has rules only for its own members. The Church supports, reveres, and holds sacred all marriages according to law and custom for everyone, unless it is proven otherwise.

The simple rules are that there be present the two spouses, two witnesses [both men, both women or one each] AND the priest or deacon as official representative of the Church. Thus a marriage between a baptized Catholic [who has not formally joined any other faith community] and any other person before a justice of the peace, a marriage commissioner, a clergy person from some other Christian community, a Reno wedding chapel, or any other situation, would simply be invalid [or null] before the Church.

After presentation of Baptism document, marriage certificate and final divorce decree, the Diocesan Tribunal would issue a "Freedom to Marry" in the Church declaration.

So for your situation, you would have to obtain a Baptism certificate of your first husband, with the original marriage certificate and divorce decree. (Since his marriage was invalid, then you are/have been also simultaneously free.)

Now your second marriage to your current husband is acknowledged in the Church as a valid marriage. So when you enter the Church by Baptism, Confirmation and Eucharist at Easter Vigil, your marriage remains valid. You immediately have the presence of the Holy Spirit in a different way always to help you in your daily life, always nourished by your participation in the Eucharistic Liturgy.

Your husband does not have to do anything. He seems to be supporting you in your journey of faith. If perhaps he joins you later, even many years later, then you might have a special renewal of vows. In the meantime, live your present moment with love. Keep your anniversaries special. Celebrate the significant ones with great joy and especially the anniversary of your Baptism.

Blessings and peace on your journey into the Catholic Church!

Sincerely,

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers,

I was baptized and confirmed Catholic. I married a non Catholic in a small service outside the Catholic church as I was a not a practicing Catholic at the time. I married my current husband 17 1/2 years ago in a civil service. I would like to return to the Catholic church and my husband would like to convert. We want our marriage to also be recognized by the church.

My husband is also divorced. He was contacted several years ago by the Memphis Diocese because his exwife ( who was not a Catholic when they married ) was seeking annulment. We never learned the outcome of the annulment proceedings.

If my husband's marriage was annuled and I was a nonpracticing Catholic who married and divorced outside the church, would it be possible for my husband and I to have a blessing by the church to renew our vows in the Catholic church? Would I have to file for an annulment even though I was a nonpracticing Catholic at the time? I would have great difficulty in doing this as my short first marriage was to someone who has no family that I am aware of and his whereabouts have been unknown for 20 years. My husband and I are in the process of adopting two orphan baby girls from China and Vietnam. We very much want them to be baptized and raised in the Catholic faith.

We would appreciate any guidance as to what would be required for us to join the Catholic church, have our marriage recognized and baptize and raise our daughters in the Church.

With thanks,

Melissa

Fr. John Itzaina Responds:

Melissa,

I am happy that you're trying to get everything copacetic with the Church. The journey that you have taken has had its ups and downs, but what is important is that redirection that you are making. I commend you and your husband.

With what you have written, it would seem that your first marriage can be annulled without much difficulty. When a Catholic marries without a Catholic wedding or without permission, for special circumstances, there is a lack of form. That's the legal term. It means someone very important was missing that would annul your marriage. It would seem to me to be the easiest kind of marriage to annul.

Your husband's wedding seemed like it was done in a Catholic wedding and between two Catholics. Annulment is much harder to prove. I would see if his previous wife even finished the annulment process, and if she did, what was the outcome? Your husband should have been interviewed and deposed (so to speak). If he wasn't, I would think that the process was never completed. Why don't you just call the Memphis diocesean tribunal and inquire. He had a right to that information. Annulments are given for many reasons. Sometimes there is lack of form (not all the steps or not all the hoops were completed) or the promises for fidelity and longegivity were not legitimate or pyschological maturity or wellbeing was missing from one of the spouses, even better...was missing from both spouses!

My advice to get off the Internet and visit your local parish priest, bite the bullet and get started with the annulment process! God bless you. If you've been together for almost 18 years, I have no doubt that God has been a part of your marriage.

Fr. John Itzaina

My fiance and I are planning to get married in the Catholic church. My fiance was raised Lutheran and he was baptized in his church. On the other hand, I am Catholic and I was baptized and confirmed in the Catholic church. Is this accepted? Will he need to convert to Catholicism in order for the marriage to be valid? Please advice. Thank so much!

Montserrat

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Montserrat,

A Catholic may marry a non-Catholic in the Catholic Church provided certain conditions are met.

The validity of the marriage will not depend on whether or not the Lutheran is converted.

It would be nice if the couple were both Catholic as it makes it easier to worship as a family.

The usual instructions are to be given to the couple by the priest or deacon blessing the wedding.

The Catholic party must promise to raise the children as Catholic, if God so blesses them.

A dispensation from disparity of faith (if one is Lutheran, the other Catholic) must be obtained from the Bishop.

This form is presented by the priest or deacon who is performing the ceremony.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Fathers,

IF A PERSON WAS BAPTISED IN THE LUTHERAN CHURCH, AND IS MARRIED IN A CIVIL SERVICE TO A NON BAPTISED INDIVIDUAL. IS THAT A VALID MARRIAGE IN THE EYES OF THE CHURCH. IF THE TWO PEOPLE DIVORCE AND DECIDE TO REMARRY, WILL THEY HAVE TO GET AN ANNULMENT? SO THAT THE NON BAPTISED PERSON CAN BECOME CATHOLIC?

Fr. John Itzaina answers:

Georgene,

I apologize for not responding immediately. There are two types of marriages that the Church recognizes as valid marriages: one is a marriage between two baptized Christians, called a "sacramental marriage; the other is a marriage between non-baptized individuals or between a baptized and a non-baptized individual. If a Catholic gets married before a justice of the peace, that marriage is null because of the lack of form (no valid witness of a delegated priest, Cf. CCC 1108); but if a Lutheran (or another Protestant baptized into a community of faith) gets married before the justice of the peace, the marriage is valid. Therefore, the Protestant marriage, whether in church or before the justice of the peace, would have to be annulled before the parties could get marriage in the Catholic Church.

You can get some more information from a website of the Archdiocese of Boston. It seems pretty clear to me. Here it is: www.rcab.org/Information/Annulment/marriage5.html. If I didn't understand your situation, take a look at this website and then email me once again.

Fr. John Itzaina

My future daughter-in-law is Roman Catholic. She wants to have a nuptial mass. My son was baptised and received his First Communion in the Roman Catholic church. My son wasn't confirmed because I converted to a non-denominational Christian. The church they are planning on getting married in say they will not perform a nuptial mass because my son isn't confirmed. Everything I read says the reason most priest will discourage a mass is because of communion, non-Roman Cathelics can't receive communion. But, since my son was baptized and received his First Communion in the Roman Catholic church, wouldn't be technically be able to receive communion if he went to confession?

Fr. Itzaina responds:

Dear Worried Mother,

Confirmation is not strictly required for a marriage, but it is strongly recommended. Hey, today we need all the help we can get to make a marriage work...and last. This is what the Code of Canon Law says: Canon 1065 "If they can do so without serious inconvenience, Catholics who have not yet received the sacrament of confirmation are to receive it before being admitted to marriage." Just how committed is your son to the total process of being a Catholic? I would think that the local church is twisting arms to get those who would be married to buy into the whole enchilada, as it were. Just how "serious" is your son? Maybe he should be as "serious" as the church in which he is getting married.

My own opinion is that if a local church imposes (not only seriously recommends) this requirement, this local church (or diocese) should make confirmation preparation and reception easily attainable, or "without serious inconvenience" to those who missed the regular confirmation process.

Here's another source for the answer to your question, presented in a much more scholarly manner: www.marriagepreparation.com/Confirmation.htm .

Fr. John Itzaina

Dear Father,

I am from the Philippines and a baptized catholic and engaged to my fiancé who resides in SF. Since we are undergoing the fiancé visa and eventually residing there, we have decided to do a civil marriage first within the 90 day period upon my arrival in the US in order to abide by the immigration laws. There is no way we can arrange and prepare for a church wedding in 3 months anyway. After that, we wish to have a convalidation of our marriage in your church (I used to attend mass there every sunday while I was studying in SF). My question is that, do we still need to follow the 6 month period of preparation for the church wedding? If so, we are planning to meet with a priest by January 2008 then have the convalidation maybe around June. Can we schedule and pre-register ahead for the Saturdays for Engaged Couples at Old St. Mary's for February 2008 slot? I am aware that the classes can get full right away. Or do you offer other types of classes in Sts. Peter and Paul?

I'd gladly appreciate your advices. Thank you in advance. We are currently awaiting for my flight to the U.S. God bless!

Catherine

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Catherine,

Certainly some immigration situations make things somewhat complex. But I will suggest a few things for you.

First, your fiancé lives in San Francisco. He should come here right away to talk about the wedding calendar and also the available marriage preparation seminars. Both of you can obtain newly-issued Baptism certificates right now.

I do not know from your last statement, when it is exactly that you will arrive here. Nevertheless he and you can already be preparing for your Sacrament in the Church, remembering that getting civilly married does not yet mean you are truly married and thus being careful about your own living conditions and relationship.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Do I have to have my husbands marriage annulled by the Catholic Church before I start my RCIA classes? He is not Catholic and this is our second marriage each?

Cristina

Fr. Harold answers:

Dear Cristina,

Since the Church is the 'called-together' community of disciples of Jesus, we are made up of human beings. Yes, we are united together to be the Body of Christ on earth. Jesus proclaimed: "You are the light of the World"; thus He expects his disciples to be observed so that others, seeing goodness in them, give glory to God.

For these reasons, the Church seeks to resolve external situations that may compromise principles that have been handed down through the ages. Such a thing is true marriage. The Church reveres and upholds authentic marriage between persons who hare not tied to the Church by Baptism unless it is shown that the marriage was not valid in the first place. The result is that anyone seeking to join the Church and also become married by the Sacrament in the Church, must first get a "Freedom to marry in the Catholic Church" statement from the local Diocesan Tribunal.

From your very short statement, both you and your husband should be in contact with your Diocesan Tribunal to look into your first marriages.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

Can St. Peter Paul church be used for an Orthodox ceremony? In other words, can the church be rented out? If yes, what is the cost?

Thanks and God Bless

-Alberta

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Alberta,

The short answer to your question is, "No."

But the follow up is this: For a marriage to occur in a Catholic church at least one of the spouses must be a Catholic. The Bishop's OK is to be obtained by the Catholic person to marry a non-Catholic person. The Bishop may also for good, petitioned reasons give permission for a Catholic person to marry a non-Catholic in another church, or even in another place. A non-Catholic minister, or in this case an Orthodox priest, may participate at a wedding in a Catholic church and even lead prayers or give a blessing. But the Catholic priest or deacon must witness the formal marriage promises.

I believe this covers all circumstances.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers,

My Fiancé and I are meeting with our priest next week for a pre wedding meeting. Could you let me know what type of questions he will be asking us. Also what should I be prepared with besides our Baptismal certificates.

Thank you for your time.

Edward

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Edward,

If you have "newly-issued" Baptism certificates, you are already ahead of the game.

A parish priest does not have questions for you at a first meeting to prepare for a wedding. He will certainly ask your names, addresses, phone numbers and if either of you had been married before. Beyond that he will talk with you about the importance of the Sacrament of Marriage in the Church. The main thing is the presence of a bride and groom, obviously in love, who wish to have God's blessing for their life together.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Is there an easy way to get a 15 year marriage blessed? Our original ceremony was civil only. We have both had baptism, penance and communion. I have an annulment from a brief marriage 20 years ago. We do not wish to do a pre-marriage class or ceremony. It seems silly after all this time. We belong a catholic church in Pennsylvania.

Thanks, SCS

Fr. Harold responds:

Dear SCS,

It is delicate to give answers over the internet, when a couple has perhaps not yet met with their parish priest.

Sometimes, in my experience, a couple has been invited to go on a Marriage Encounter [a week end for good marriages to make them even better], as they prepare for the Sacrament of Marriage in their life.

A sincere, loving conversation with your parish priest, who should know you well already from greeting you on Sundays, will lead you and he to an appropriate preparation for this step into the community of the Church in the Sacrament.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Fathers,

If I get an annulment, was I ever considered married? Will my status be considered divorced or never married?

Thanks

Fr. Harold answers:

Dear Michael,

The Church considers persons "married" unless it is proved otherwise. That is why, even for a civil marriage of a Catholic person, it demands documents. There are certain circumstances where a Bishop may have given formal permission for a Catholic to be married by a non-Catholic official, in or outside of a parish church. So the Tribunal also looks at these things.

Yes a "declaration of nullity" proclaims that a true marriage did not exist at the beginning, and the statement for the person is essentially a "Freedom to Marry in the Church" certificate. All of this has no legal consequence for any children who may have been born.

As far as civil law is concerned a person is "divorced". As far as Church law is concerned one is "free to marry"; so "unmarried" would be a designation. I would be careful about using the word "single" or "never married" as we live in civil society.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

I hope that you can help me with our situation.

My fiancee is a baptized Catholic who married a baptized Christian in an outdoor ceremony before a Presbyterian minister. At the time, his ex-wife was six months pregnant, and both she and my fiancee allowed her mother to make all the arrangements for the ceremony. He did not obtain a dispensation to marry. Because his father left the Church when my fiancee was young, he was not confirmed in the Catholic Church, though he never formally rejected it either. He has in recent years regularly attended Mass with me and has expressed interest in participatong in RCIA so that he can be confirmed before our marriage.

We believe that he can petition the tribunal for a decree of nullity based on lack of form. Is this the case?

Thank you!

Mary

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Mary,

Lack of Form would certainly apply, since a Catholic married outside the Catholic Church with no dispensation from the legitimate authority.

Your local parish priest can certainly assist in filling out the necessary documentation for a Cathoic wedding.

Congratulations on his decision to be confirmed and reconnect with his Catholic faith.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

I have a simple question that I have asked three different priests about and have received three different answers. My fiancé and I are both Catholic and have received all of our sacraments except for the sacrament of marriage. We will be getting married in a civil ceremony and would like to have our marriage blessed in the church. How soon can we have the marriage blessed? Also, when will be able to start the six months of marriage counseling that Catholics go through before being married? I definitely would love to have a little clarification on this matter. Thank you!

Sincerely,

Jessica

Fr. John Itzaina answers:

Dear Jessica,

The reason you've had three different answers from three different priests is that there are many ways of approaching your situation. For instance, I don't understand why you're getting married civilly and then willing to start a six-month marriage preparation. Why not just enter into marriage preparation? Is there a reason why you have to get married outside the church? Some countries require you to get married civilly and then have their marriage blessed sacramentally. But not in the United States. Church marriages are recognized civilly. It's a kind of one-stop, all together, shopping.

It's one thing if you're already married civilly; then it would be a question of "validating" the marriage. There's a couple more hoops you have to jump through when that occurs. If you're not married civilly and intend only a "church" wedding and marriage, you would enter into a six-month marriage preparation like anybody else desiring a sacramental marriage. I'm not aware of any reasons why you need to first marry civilly then have a church wedding. Can you give me any reasons?

Fr. John Itzaina, SDB

Hello

I am a native Catholic San Franciscan and all my life I have dreamed of getting married at Saints Peter and Paul. Now I am engaged and it would great to realize my dream. However, my boyfriend is not Catholic and won't convert. And we have no money whatsoever. So my questions are, do both people have to be Catholic to be married in a Catholic church and does it cost money to get married there?

Sincerely,

Katy

Fr. John Itzaina answers:

Katy,

To be married in the Catholic Church, only one of the participants has to be a Catholic. Dreaming of getting married at Sts. Peter and Paul is another matter. You have to have permission from your home parish to get married at Sts. Peter and Paul.

Having "no money whatsoever" is not a good start to any serious undertaking. I would wait till you both are financially secure, with jobs that support where you want to live, health coverage, and no large credit card debt.

Fr. John Itzaina, SDB, Pastor

My son resides in Los Angeles, his fiancée lives in Fresno; they are planning a wedding in a Church in Tahoe. Can they attend pre-cana in her home town? And how would they find classes? Currently they are attending mass irregularly shopping for a parish. Both are baptized and raised as practicing Catholic but have stepped away momentarily and are trying to find their way together. Please advise how to arrange classes so that they can wed next May.

Thank you

Linda

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Linda,

One of the two should approach the pastor whose church is within the confines of the residence of either. Notification of at least six months time before the wedding is required by most dioceses.

Permission is needed to marry out of the diocese. The priest preparing you for the wedding would take care of that.

The presumption is that the church in Tahoe has no problem with the wedding, provided the Bishop gives permission and the preparations are duly attended to.

Preparations include:

(1) presentation of recent baptism certificates (obtained from the church where the baptisms took place)

(2) personal forms, by bride and groom, to be filled out, in the presence of the priest,

(3) forms to be filled out (one for each partner) by someone who has known the individual most of his/her life.

(4) arrange with priest what classes need to be attended.

(5) get wedding license.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

On August 12, we received these questions:

Hello Fathers.

My name is Juan from Michigan. I have an important question. I have just met the most wonderful girl from Pennsylvania she is a practicing Catholic since birth. I am a baptized baptist, and I will be attending RCIA classes starting this September. I have been divorced twice, one ended in annulment and they other in divorce and neither one was with a Catholic, and both marriages were not performed in a church. My question is can I marry this Catholic girl in the Catholic church or am I not allowed??

Thank you and God bless

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Juan,

You present two things in your letter. One is the desire to enter the Catholic Church through the Christian Initiation program {RCIA}. The other is a desire to enter into marriage with this "most wonderful" Catholic girl.

I separate these two things because a desire to enter the Church should stand alone whether or not it is possible to marry someone.

At the same time if both of you are truly looking into the possibility of joining together in the Sacrament of Marriage in the Catholic Church. You should begin your marriage preparation right now even before the RCIA begins, so that your petition to the Diocesan Tribunal may be presented and perhaps they might invoke one of the special Privileges of the Faith for you and your proposed spouse.

So as an athletic coach might say: "Get cracking!"

Blessings and Peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

I recently found out my husband of 12 years has been unfaithful. We were married in the Catholic Church. At this point I do not feel I can forgive him. In my heart he has revoked our spiritual marriage. Is it possible to annul my marriage, then, after much counseling, remarry him in the Catholic church?

Mom of 2

Fr. Danielson responds:

Dear Mom of 2,

Before anything I would send you to the Holy Bible. I invite you to read a couple of pages from the prophet Hosea in the Old Testament. Put yourself in the place of the prophet [who himself is acting in the place of God]. With that input, you should be led as what to do in your particular situation.

Specific to you, if you are truly hoping yourself to be an authentic disciple of Jesus, would be the fervent hope for full repentance and conversion of your spouse.

If there already has been an irreconcilable split between you, then a presentation to the local diocesan Tribunal to discover if there was something at the beginning of your marriage that was lacking to make it an invalid marriage would have to be undertaken.

I think God's way as described in the prophet Hosea has the best fruits for all.

Blessings and Peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear fathers,

I would like to ask for some advice regarding my relationship of 13 months as a practicing Catholic with an Atheist who was baptized in the Church. We are currently at a difference and I'm worried where this is going. I love and care for my boyfriend long before he admitted he didn't believe in any god, and I would hate to see us break it off because he's strong with his Atheistic views and I'm strong with my God-exists views. We have heatedly debated about this, and it ended with a useless fight days later. At a young age, he was pulled out of the Church by his father, but he has attended mass on certain occasions (or so he tells me). He has, however, attended mass with me a couple of times but without receiving the eucharist. He admits to be faithless, but once told me that if faith works for some people, then they shouldn't lose it.

Apparently, faith doesn't work for him. On the question of our future children being baptized, he didn't seem to take it too well because he doesn't believe babies are born with sin and if we had to get them baptized, it's because it will only make me happy. He expressed that he would like for his kids to choose their own beliefs, which to me, translates to: "don't brainwash them with anything else." For me, I'd rather I guide my kids instead of them being influenced by outsiders. I'm reading some past questions about baptism, and it is required one parent must be willing to raise the kids Catholic. What if the other parent doesn't want that? We had not fully discussed where we would be married if ever, but he asked me before where I'd want it and my response was that "I don't know yet." Deep down, I would like to do it in the Church. I can't freely express this wish with him at this time.

On the immoral front, we have committed pre-marital intercourse with protection, because I don't see myself with anyone else now or ever. Maybe that is not a good reason at all, but he enjoys intimate time with me, and I as well with him. We also enjoy non-intimate times but more than not, we are very physical with each other. However, we are not ready for marriage and family, but prior to our fight (the first and only we've had) we had already expressed our desire to spend the rest of our lives together. Before marrying and starting a family, we both want to establish our own careers for the comfort of our future family. I love him for the person he is even though we do not see eye to eye on spirituality, God, and religion.

My worry is that I know I have committed a grave sin with our pre-marital activities, but he doesn't see it the same way, and I am torn about it somehow. The fact that I know and continue to commit the sin is making it worse for me against any moral values I have, but I am weakened by this particular temptation. Please know that we are people with good intentions in life -- we want to help the unfortunate and we want to use our talents to benefit others.

I would like to believe God gave me my boyfriend to pray for and to love because no one else will. If he did not come into my life, I'd be with someone else who is in sync with my beliefs. But who's to say I would love that person the same way? He is not close to his family, and has a bitter viewpoint of many political and religion issues. I have been praying for him because I truly love him and could not bear losing him as a friend, but I can't help being worried that we are going in the wrong direction as a non-married couple that wants to be together for the rest of our lives. Of course, he probably doesn't see this as a problem, unless he decides that I am a crazy Christian trying to convert him and would want nothing to do with me anymore. Bottom line: I do not want to get into a marriage where we have extreme differences in raising a family even though our love was blind enough to unite us. But I very much love the person involved in my problem. Pardon me if some things do not make sense but I am trying to keep this as short and descriptive as I can. Thanks for your time.

-Worried in the Bay Area

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Dear Worried,

I sympathize with you. Know that I am not here to judge you or your boyfriend. I admire your willingness to present your problem so candidly.

However, let me tell you as it is. I do speak with a background of more than fifty years as a priest, the experience of a couple of hundred weddings, and some years as a judge of the matrimonial court.

It takes two to tango and both partners must be able to push the right foot forward at the right time to keep in sync with the music and not make a spectacle of themselves.

Marriage is more than an affair of the heart. The head must also be involved. Two must become one and for Christians, as a famous Archbishop used to say, it takes three to get married: the two, of course, and Jesus Christ. Don't separate from Christ for the love of your boyfriend.

This may sound callous to you, but life is short (even a hundred years!) and eternity is forever! There is more than one fish in the sea.

This quote from your letter is wonderful: " I'd rather I guide my kids instead of them being influenced by outsiders."

The standards you are referring to are those of the Church, I presume, since that's the way you were raised.

If one parent doesn't want the kids raised Catholic? Then there should be no Catholic wedding. If you marry civilly you would be entering an invalid marriage in the eyes of the Church.

I have witnessed many marriages (too many) between a Catholic and a non-Catholic. Those that ended in divorce were too often because of religious disagreements.

This too may sound callous, but I say it with love in my heart for you: You realize, as you say, that your sexual expression bothers you, even as it seems pleasurable and loving and "I'm weakened by this particular temptation. Please know that we are people with good intentions in life -- we want to help the unfortunate and we want to use our talents to benefit others."

Such a temptation is not easy to overcome, and it does blind us to values that go far beyond sex and impinge on eternal life. Remember, too, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Nobody likes to speak of hell and we want to see God as loving us no matter what! He does love us unconditionally, but he does not take away our freedom to deny Him and his commandments. Judas was an apostle before he became a traitor. We are masters of our own fate and must never surrender that mastery to anyone not of the same mind as ourselves.

You have the answer to your problem in the last paragraph of your letter: "I do not want to get into a marriage where we have extreme differences in raising a family even though our love was blind enough to unite us."

So in this case I would advise you to follow your head and not you heart.

My prayers for you and your friend--may he be converted!

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Dear Father,

I am a Catholic and got married to an Australian guy. We got married in civil, here in Australia and are planning to have our marriage blessed, or I think it's called "convalidation" in our Catholic Church in the Philippines. My husband got baptized in a Catholic church but haven't received the other 2 sacraments which are the First Communion and the Confirmation, but he will attend cathechism for 3 months to be able to receive these other sacraments.

My question is, do we still need to submit a certificate of legal capacity to our catholic church as one of the requirements in the Philippines if you are going to get married there with a foreign national. But the thing is, we are already legally married so I think we don't need that anymore, right? I don't know if you know the answer to this question but I'm just confused. It's hard to communicate with this church people in the Philippines because I'm all the way here in Australia. We can get all the other requirements that they need, especially those religious ones but I don't think they will need that certificate just for us to have a blessing of our wedding. I hope you could share your thoughts. Thanks and God bless!

Sincerely,

Lou Grace

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Lou Grace,

Your wedding papers should be submitted to the Australian Diocese in which you live so you and get a convalidation. Speak to the local pastor.

The dispensation for a Catholic wedding would come from the local diocese.

Then you must ask for the documents to be sent to the church in the Philippines where the wedding will take place.

It should not be difficult, but it does require following the wedding requirements of the local parish.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Fathers,

Someone asked me why if they are Divorced could they not recieve the Sacrament any longer, I really don't know the answer anymore, Married in the Church were they & the Female/Wife asked for a Divorce, She asked but He divorced her to save her the expense,They were married 30yrs.

She was not psycologicaly well, He was devestated, Later he remarried,but not in the church but to a Catholic. He longs to recieve the Sacrament, It seems so unfair w/him not wanting to divorce but She had already cheated on Him, & then asked for the Divorce, Any way he can get the Sacrements once again?

Next A Couple I know very well & are much in love both strong in thier Religion,They are both Catholic She Confirmed He not. They both are Disabled & are below poverty income, should they marry they would lose the small income they have but more importantly they would lose thier medical & they would be in big trouble,neither one can financially support the other yet they love deeply, they are Seniors, & a lot of seniors are in the same situation, They beleave that they can take thier Wedding Vows in front of people who will not divuldge that they Marry, & Under the heavens ask God to marry them.I wonder if this would ever be ok, is it wll it, was it in say Noahs day, they want to take care of each other & spend eternity w/each other , What have you to say on the 2 questions

Thanks so much for your time. T.

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Teri,

You present some human situations. First of all, being divorced in and of itself does not prevent one from participating in the Sacraments. My mother divorced my father when I was two years old. She always went to Mass, bringing me and my brother as small children. She went to Confession and Communion as a devout Catholic throughout the years. She never re-married.

In the situation you present, there is a re-marriage involved. So, technically, the first marriage would have to be presented to the local diocesan tribunal to determine if, in the beginning of the marriage, some thing existed that inhibited a true and valid marriage from happening. If, indeed, something was missing, then the Tribunal would declare the nullity of that marriage and the person would then be free to marry in the Catholic Church.

With all the advertising in the media about better and better male sexual performance, living as brother and sister would be quite difficult. Beyond that, working it out in the internal forum, that is in the reign of personal conscience, guided by the Holy Word of God and His Church, a person does what is deemed correct and true for which he only answers to God Himself and not the community of Church.

In the second instance, the handicapped couple: There does exist in the Church what is termed a "secret" marriage for a variety of reasons. Also there exists in the Church the possibility of exchanging wedding promises simply before two witnesses when a priest is not available. Some interpret "unavailability" in different ways, one of which may be that a priest is not available to witness because he would then be held to record it with the county clerk. So this needs to be discussed with a canon lawyer in the diocesan Tribunal.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

My fiancé and I just had a baby. We are both raised Catholic. We are planning and still saving for our wedding. For now, I would like to immediately baptize our son in a Catholic church. Do we have the ability to baptize our son in a catholic church, even though we are not married? Secondly, will we also be able to get married in a catholic church, even though we had a baby first. For now, I want to baptize our son Catholic and be married Catholic. However, I am not sure if the Catholic church will accept us. If baptizing our son and getting married catholic is impossible we will have to look elsewhere. Hopefully, wherever I baptize my son I can also get married. I look forward to all of this.

My fiancé and I love each other to pieces and we are enjoying our first baby. We waited very long to have our baby, as we both are 35 years old and feel that we have been blessed with our new family. I can't wait to be married and baptize our son. By the way, we waited 3 years before having our baby.

P.S We recently moved to the area and we are not familiar with any of the Catholic Churches in my town. How do I research the best catholic church for my family? What questions do I ask the priest? Do I call the priest and ask to set up an appointment?

By the way, what can you tell me about the non denomination churches/religion? If my son is baptize non-denomination, will he be able to accept holy communion and will he be able marry in a catholic church?

Lillian

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Lillian,

Sorry to hear that you are saving for your marriage, but living as married already.

Money should never be the determining factor for a marriage ceremony in the Church. My suggestion has always been: better to save the money for a house or for the education of your children. But I do realize the importance that Brides (especially) give to the ceremony itself. It's a cultural thing!

You should have gotten married before you had a baby. That said, let me assure that as late as it is, it is never too late. You can get married in the Catholic Church (if neither has been previously married), and you can get the baby baptized. But get your marriage plan going first and then ask about baptism.

What Catholic Parish should you contact? I suggest you visit the parishes in your vicinity (the closest one to you first). See the parishioners in action, that is, at a Sunday mass. Remember that religion is between you and God, but there are norms and rules for all good Catholics. Go to Mass on Sunday. Go to confession (check the times as listed on the parish bulletin), and don't go to Communion until your wedding is fixed up. The local priest should be ready and able to assist you in yo marriage plans with loving care!

As to your last question: if your son is baptized as a non-catholic, he will not be able to receive Holy Communion.

Non Catholics cannot marry in the Catholic Church.

He could marry in the Catholic Church, if his fiancée is Catholic and he is willing to support his wife in raising his children as Catholic.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Fathers:

I wish to marry a Catholic widower. I am non-Catholic. However, I was married 42 years ago to a Baptist and divorced 9 years later. I have not been baptized but wish to become a Catholic. Can I marry in the Church. Would the Pauline Rule apply to my first marriage? My first husband has since remarried to a Catholic woman.

We are 65 and 78 years of age and feel that waiting any length of time would not be best advised.

Please reply.

JJ

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Dear JJ,

Please contact a local Catholic priest or phone the Catholic Diocesan office and ask for the marriage tribunal.

It would not be difficult to marry in the Catholic Church.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

Hi there - I hope you can answer my question. I was married 13 years ago in Upper Michigan. We both attended the marriage courses, did the questionnare (155 questions) had meetings with the Priest, etc.

We were engaged and went through this 1.5 years before we were married.

My husband was born catholic, baptized, first communion, confirmation. I took the RCIA classes and finished them over a year before the wedding date.

I was pre-told about the courses, the interviews and the inventory by the preist, but NOT pre told about the form that my father would have to sign, on the day of the rehearsal, in the rectory. My parents are not catholic, and my Dad was told to follow the priest into the rectory on the night of our rehearsal. He was asked questions such as" how long have you known the bride? what is your relationship to her? Is she able to have children to your knowledge? Is she entering into this marriage voluntarily? Is she under any undo stress or experiencing any problems that you know that may affect her judgement? " A whole series of questions like those. Needless to say, my father and my family were quite taken aback and were a bit insulted by some of the implications of the questions.

What was the purpose of this document?

Am I entitled (under any freedom of information act) to receive a copy of that document?

I would really appreciate your answer, as that particular priest is no longer at that parish, and I no longer live in the city or state where I got married. (My husband couldgive me not reason either)

Thanks

TBTuba

Fr. Malloy answers:

TBTuba,

Your marriage documents should have included two sets of questionnaires

In San Francisco they are called the A and B forms. to determine your freedom to marry.

"A" form is the list of questions which the priest asks of each marriage partner. The "B" form is a document containing similar questions that are to be answered by one who has known you for many years and one who has known your fiancée for many years.

The priest celebrating your wedding should have had both these forms on hand before the rehearsal. He probably realized at the last moment that he had failed to procure the necessary form and so called your dad in to complete the paper work for your "B" form.

Your parish would still have these documents on record, and I see no reason why you could not view them.

You have nothing to fear, because the priest carried on with the wedding, so the documents contain nothing that would affect the union.

Fr. John J. Malloy, SDB

I've been married for about nine months. My wedding day was the best day of my life. However after the wedding things began to change between me and my wife. I thought that it was just us adjusting to married life. However, recently my wife told me that she doesn't believe that the vows she made should have to be kept. She told me that she wasn't honest on the 'inventory' questionaire we took in the marriage preperation class we took at the church. Most importantly she told me that she doesn't love me, and never really has. She deceived me every part of the way. I feel cheated. I feel that my marriage was a sham. Would these reasons be valid for an anullment? How would I begin that process, where would I start?

I've been going to church nearly everyday for the past month to help me get through these most painful days of my life and I'm blessed that I have God in my life.

thanks

'Proverbs 3.5-6' guy

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Dear Proverbs,

You do have a case for an annulment, if what you write holds up. You would have to verify what your wife has said to you and find some witnesses who could support your position. You should see a priest you feel comfortable with and discuss your case. The sooner you act on this the better it will probably be.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

Dear Fathers,

I am currently engaged to be married to a roman catholic man. I have been batized and have gone through holy communion, but am not confirmed. I was previously married, but not through a church ceremony. My question is, can I get married in the church to my current fiancee even though I was previously married?

Thank you,

Teresa

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Teresa,

Since you were married outside the Catholic Church, you can marry in the Catholic Church. You must produce your marriage license and divorce decree and speak to your priest who can obtained the necessary permissions and help you complete the requirements of the local Church.

It would be good to be confirmed, but is not an absolute requirement for marriage. Your local priest can show you how this might be done.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

Dear Father,

I am Catholic (Baptized and Confirmed) but I got married in a Methodist Church. (My ex-husband's church). I have now found my "soulmate" and we are to be Married in alittle over a year. He is Baptist, and has also been Married in the past, neither ceremony was held in a church. He knows how important to me it is to have a Traditional Catholic Wedding. My question is: Can we still get married in the Catholic Church? Do either of us need an annullment before we can get married? My mother said I would not be able to stand on the alter, is this true?

Thank you for you time

Jennifer

Fr. John Malloy responds:

Jennifer,

Your mother remembers years back when mixed-religion marriages would not be performed in the Church, but were allowed in the Rectory or office.

As for your first marriage, you need a convalidation, which is simpler than and to obtain than an annulment, since the Church does not recognize the marriage of a Catholic with a non-Catholic, unless it is held in the Catholic Church.

You must speak to your priest about the wedding of you spouse-to-be. His marriage would need to be annulled, unless there are other circumstances that might invalidate his first marriage.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

On July 3, we received this question:

Father,

I have a question regarding Marriage. When I was nineteen I married in the civil court and was married for five years. On my fifth Anniversary I filed for divorce and have now been divorced for five years. I have been dating a wonderful Catholic man for nearly four years now and we have decided to marry. Since I am divorced will it be a problem getting married in the Catholic Church? If so, what should be done or can anything be done so I can marry in the Catholic Church? Thank You.

Teresa

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Teresa,

If you were baptized Catholic, your marriage at 19 was invalid in the eyes of the Church, so you do not need an annulment.

You would need a convalidation so you can marry in the Catholic Church.

If you are not Catholic and your husband is, the marriage could be void.

If neither of you were Catholic, your marriage would have to be annulled in order for you to marry in the Catholic Church.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

My son and his wife have been married for almost 2 years--they got married by a justice of the peace but both would like to have their marriage blessed. My son is born and raised Catholic, his wife is Episcopalian but attends church with my son. Neither of them have been married before. Will they need to do the Pre Cana prep and wait 6-8 months or can the convalidation be scheduled sooner than that?

They would just like a simple marriage blessing that both families can attend--not a big to-do...

Any advice? Evi

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Evi,

When in most dioceses the recommended minimum time before a wedding is six months, much of that time is used in gathering documents, getting forms completed and inventories done and reflected upon with the wedding priest or deacon, and yes doing yet some formal marriage preparation for entering into the Sacrament of Matrimony.

The question becomes moot when a couple approaches their local parish priest with their desire to be married in the Church. At that moment the thing proceeds ahead. In particular for your daughter-in-law, permission from the Bishop must also be requested. As she goes to Church with your son now, she might enroll in the Adult Christian Initiation process in their parish and do that at the same time.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Father,

I am currently going through a divorce right now, I was wondering if I had to get an annullment through the church once it was final. I was baptized and confirmed Catholic, my husband was baptized (I am not even sure if he was baptized Catholic), but he was never confirmed, and we were never married in the church. We only married through the Justice of Peace, and although we planned on getting a blessing of our marriage, we never did. (and I sometimes believe that if we had maybe our marriage would've worked). I understand that makes our marriage invalid. Would I still have to go through the annullment process if I wanted to marry in the Catholic church? I hear so many different answers from other people, and I was trying to find my answer in the previous questions but I was starting to get confused. Once this divorce is final I would like to live right in my beliefs as a Catholic. If you could tell me whether or not I need an annullment through the church and how I would go about doing that I would greatly appreciate it.

God Bless,

Christina

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Christina,

Thank you for your letter. It reminds me of my own mother who was divorced when I was only two years old. She took me and my younger brother to Church every Sunday and she went to Confession and Communion as often as it was customary in those times [the 40's and 50's]. My mother never got married again.

For you, since your first marriage was not in the Church, should you wish to enter marriage you only need to present your Baptism certificate, then the marriage certificate and final divorce decree. The Church Tribunal will examine the documents and give a declaration of "Freedom to marry" because that union had been not valid.

Yes, it is a sad and hurtful thing to go through a divorce, and we human beings often think of the "what ifs" in our life. But that is a thorough waste of time. What is in the past remains in the past. We can express sorrow for anything sinful and be absolved. But then we begin again in every moment of our life to follow Jesus.

So go for Reconciliation [Confession] and at Mass on Sunday go to Communion.

And then who knows if you will have an opportunity to get married with the Sacrament of Matrimony in the Church. That is up to Divine Providence and you a disciple following Jesus.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Father,

My son's father who is Catholic was previously married in a non-catholic ceremony and divorced. Then we met. After dating for 2 1/2 years, I found I was pregnant, three days later he immediately started dating another woman who happen to be catholic. I just found out when they got married a year ago they were married in a Catholic Church where his father is a Deacon. What type of preparation or decrees if any did he need to accomplish in order to marry legitimately in the Catholic Church. Reason I ask is the month and even week prior to the wedding he tried to start a relationship back up with me, but I told him he had to end it with his fiance if he wanted to make try at being together for the sake of our son. He denied this attempt to reunite, and she believes him.

Obviously he chose her which is better for me and my son. Now he is threatening to take me back to court once again for custody of my son, and I would like to understand if he manipulated the Catholic system since his father is a Deacon or he actually followed all the requirements necessary. If he was following all the Church's requirements that reinforces the manipulation of me. In short how does a divorcee with a son out of wedlock marry in the Catholic Church. I am Lutheran, but with many Catholic relatives and friends, I just feel let down by the Catholic Church and I am trying to find peace with it.

Respectfully request a response

V/R Kelly

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear V/R Kelly,

We all experience human weakness in many ways. Some of these ways are manipulations of many kinds. This is where you find yourself.

Technically, a divorced person from a non-Catholic wedding ceremony {by showing documents to the Diocesan Tribunal: Baptism certificate, original marriage certificate, final divorce decree} can obtain a "Free to marry in the Church" declaration.

Questionnaires for the prospective bride and groom, ask about previous marriages and if any children are involved, and whether the custody issues are clear. Since your son's father was not married to you, that may not have come up in the interaction of the priest or other person preparing for the marriage. If the bride did not know about the child, that would have been a serious omission.

That he was coming on to you just before getting married to another woman, without foregoing her for the sake of his son, shows you about his character even if his current wife doesn't accept it.

At first sight, I do not understand how there can be any question of custody. But he remains financially co-responsible with you for your son's livelihood.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Fathers:

My daughter was married in the Catholic Church (diocese of Harrisburg Pa.) to a non-catholic and is currently getting a civil divorce. There are no children. Does she need a church annullment to remarry again?

Carol

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Carol,

In order for your daughter to get married with the Sacrament in the Church, an investigation would have to be conducted by your local Diocesan Tribunal to determine if there was something important and essential to the original marriage. If there is sufficient evidence and the Tribunal makes a Decree of Nullity regarding that liaison, then she is free to get married in the Church.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Tatica

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Tatica,

The problem is not huge. Cheer up. Besides, you have seven months.

The most important document is your baptism certificate. You could be married in the Catholic Church without the other two sacraments.

If a document is lost or not recorded, you can gather witnesses to swear to the event haven taken place.

The Church of record should help you solve this problem. If there is a difficulty there, contact the Bishop's office.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

Dear Father

I found your website very helpful my question is I was married in San Francisco City Hall about 5 years ago, my husband at the time did not turn out to be a good man. I am divorced now around 3 years. I am Irish and as it turns out, I am living back in Ireland engaged to be married to my best friend of 8 years. Basically my question is we are both catholic never married in the church before and would love to be married in the church here in Ireland please let me know if I indeed can be married in the church.

Thanking You

Rosalind

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Rosalind,

Yes, it is a simple procedure for you to get married in the Sacrament of Matrimony in the Church.

Your parish priest there will work with you to do it. The Church, of course, only makes rules for its own members. So when a person "attempts" [legal term in Canon Law] to get married and all the conditions are not present, that "marriage" simply does not exist. This needs to be proven.

So you need your own recently issued Baptism certificate. Then you must have a copy of the original marriage license or certificate; and also the final divorce decree. With these three documents in hand, the parish priest will fill out a form to send to your local Diocesan Tribunal. The Tribunal, seeing that the marriage was not done with a priest in a parish church, will declare it invalid. And then you will be free to get married in Church.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

On June 16, we received these questions:

Dear Fathers,

I am Catholic woman, engaged to be married to an Anglican man. He was married once before to a baptized non-Catholic woman. She, in turn, was married previous to their marriage, to a non-Catholic man. Neither party in that marriage was "religious," in that they did not attend any church nor did they profess any religious preference. We are applying for my fiance's marriage to be seen as a ligamen case.

We have tracked down as many civil documents as legally possible: marriage certificates for both marriages and divorce certificates for both marriages. We have obtained a baptismal certificate from my fiance's church in England. Our parish maintains we must also obtain baptismal certificates for both the ex-wife and the first husband. Ostensibly, the Church needs these certificates to prove the first marriage (a civil ceremony) was valid between two non-Catholics.

I'm struggling with the concept of proving "non-Catholic status." The first husband's parents are deceased, and we do not foresee this co-respondent being helpful. He maintained limited contact with the respondent's family. If the first husband was never baptized and did not attend any church, how can that be proven?

This challenge has led me to an additional question: if one was baptized Catholic, is one Catholic for life? What constitutes "an ex-Catholic?"

Thank you,

Kate

Fr. Malloy responds:

Kate,

It seems to me the only way open to you to prove the non-baptized status of the first husband is through deposition.

Are there no individuals who were close to the family and can swear to the fact that there was never any evidence of baptism?

An ex-Catholic is one who has been excommunicated from the church or has made a declaration disavowing memership therein.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

Dear Father

i am a single person and i met a decent girl through the internet and i met her in person that's how i knew how decent she is and she is a believer and we reached to a point after long talks to that we want to marry each other and since we were sure of this we started to talk with the family espacially her father who just refused the whole matter as he was not thinking that what his daughter did was right to know a guy through the internet even things went through many processes as we started as friends and things went in progress to the point that we thought about to get married after a long while of praying to God and we were sure that both of us are just fine to each other from all possible points.

my question is: if God was with us from the start, such situation as we have here does it means that God just want to see how much faith we have in him that he will go and fix our problem if we showed that faith or is it a red light that he is telling us no through her father denyal as both of us are sure that we are not going to marry unless both families are comfortable with that marriage. or do you think its something wont be a big problem that we marry although her father refuses?

thanks

Hany

Fr. Danielson answers:

Dear Hany,

I have a couple in marriage preparation now who met one another through the internet. If people are truly honest with themselves in their own presentation and when they meet and continue to grow in friendship and love, an authentic relationship can grow.

That is a conditioned statement, for sure. The important thing is, after meeting, a couple need to grow together in order to build a good foundation for marriage.

What a wonderful ideal for both of you that your families be happy with your choice! The Holy Scripture exclaims: a man leaves father and mother and cleaves to his wife and they become one flesh. As both of you are of age, then you can, you may, you should do what is in your heart notwithstanding some external misgivings. These will be overcome as you build your happiness together.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Fathers

I was married in an Anglican church, am a non Catholic as was my ex wife, we married in the Anglican church at the request of her mother. I am now in love and wish to marry a Catholic woman who is divorced also and has received a church annulment of her first marriage, I have been attending mass on a regular basis and am enrolling in an RCIA program for the fall of this year. My question is do I need to seek an annulment of my first marriage through the church in order to marry this woman? I am baptized but never confirmed in faith.

Geoff

Fr. John Malloy responds:

Geoff,

You were married in the Anglican Church, but you do not say if you or your wife were baptized Anglicans.

If you were not baptized the Pauline Privilege might be evoked.

If you were baptized you would need an annulment prior to a Catholic marriage.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

My question, to you is, being a very non religious woman, and wanting to marry a religious catholic man, what are the procedures we have to go through in order to marry? I do not wish to convert, I have my own beliefs and we are both fine with the way I am living my life. I have already agreed to raise any and all children in the catholic church. Any help on this topic would be helpful.

Thanks,

Stacy

Fr. Malloy answers:

Stacy,

I suggest you and your fiancée approach the local pastor of the Catholic Church, who will explain the requirements of marriage in the Catholic Church.

Your willingness to raise the children as Catholic overcomes the main hurdle against such unions.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

I have a quick question on the marriage topic. My wife and I will be married for a year in August. We got married after a few years of dating. We did not have our ceremony in a church to begin with because I am in the U.S. Marine Corps. We decided to get married before my second tour to Iraq. We have just decided that in October of 2008 we would like to have our wedding ceremony with both our families present. Were both Catholic and have been Baptized and had our First Communions and Confirmations. How would we go about planning for this event?

Thank you for your time.

Anthony

Fr. Malloy answers:

Dear Anthony,

What you are asking about is called "convalidation."

I suggest you contact your local pastor who will guide you through the ordinary marriage process, and secure the permission of the local bishop for the marriage to take place.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

Dear Father,

My finance and I just recently got engaged. My finance is from a Catholic family and he was baptized and confirmed. I, on the other hand, doesn't really have a particular religion. I've never attended church regularly, but my finance had a couple times. However, due to my finance's family religious background, we decided to be wed in a Catholic church. My first question is what is the basic requirements to be wed in a Catholic church. What documents do we have to provide? Also, how can we go about in becoming a parishioner in a church?

Thank you so much for your time,

Eva

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Eva,

To be married in the Catholic Church at least one of the partners must be Catholic.

Documents to produce:

(1) Copy of the baptism certificate of the Catholic party, dated within six months of the projected wedding.

If the partner was baptized in another religion, produce a copy of that also.

(2) Visit you local church and fill out a questionnaire for each of you, attesting to your freedom to marry.

(3) Have some one who has known you for most of your life also come in and fill our a form. Same for your partner.

(4) Take the compatibility assessment, if required in your area.

(5) Take the marriage course indicated by the priest.

To become a parishioner of a church you merely have to see the priest/secretary and fill out the registration form.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

Good Morning Father, My question is: my daughter wishes to get married but her husband (now divorced) to be was married before but not in a church. Does he need an annulment to get married again in a catholic church?

Randy

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Randy,

You do not mention the religious faith of your son-in-law to be. If he is Catholic and had gotten married outside of a Catholic parish church, then it is fairly simple to get that ["attempted"] marriage declared invalid so that he would then be "free to wed in the Church" in a Sacramental marriage. Essentially he would need his Baptism certificate, the original marriage certificate and the final divorce decree. The declaration from the Diocesan Tribunal would only take a few days.

If, perhaps he is not a Catholic but his first wife was a Catholic, it still remains the simple declaration with her Baptism certificate, and the original marriage certificate and final divorce decree.

These three things are required in order to get married in the Catholic Church in all situations. If neither he nor his first wife were baptized in the Catholic Church, the process of investigation and proof that the first marriage was invalid is more complicated. For this they need the help of their local parish priest to help him fill out the application to your Diocesan Tribunal and go step by step through the process. All of this takes several months at least, so they would need to get started as soon as possible.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

We are a catholic family who have raised our 6 daughters in the catholic faith. Our oldest daughter was engaged in January. She now tells us she is pregnant and we want to have her married before she is showing.

We are looking at a late July - early August wedding. Her fiance is a Christian but does not attend church and does not wish to turn catholic. He did say he has no problem with her attending the catholic church or his children being baptized and raised catholic. Can every parish make up their own rules as to the pre-marital classes and how long the couple must wait before getting married? We only have a 6 to 8 week window to get her married. When we found out she was pregnant (2 weeks ago) my mother asked her parish about them getting married and they said they would have to attend the classes and it would be approximately 6 months. We then talked with her fiance's mother and she talked with her pastor at the Trinity Weselyn Church that she attends and he agreed to marry them within this time frame if they attended classes with him (approximately 6 classes). They have attended 1 class but we are now feeling bad that we didn't pursue this in our parish or at least talk with a priest.

What can we do and should we do this at this time since his mother has started the process at her church? We don't want to hurt her feelings, she is a good, kind & moral person whom our daughter will be living close to. Please advise???

Thanks,

Cindy B.

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Cindy,

I do not know the attitude of your local pastor, so it is difficult to answer your questions. I would suggest you approach the priest again explaining the possible solution envisioned.

My feeling would be not to anticipate the wedding. The six month period is a wise rule (though it could be waived). It gives time for proper reflection and needed instruction as to marriage vows and married life.

Nowadays most people are not shocked by anything!It's unfortunate, but true.

Again the marriage could be of a private character.

If your daughter marries outside the Catholic Church she will not be able to receive Holy Communion, and her marriage would be considered invalid.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

In Mexico we are only able to have a symbolic ceremony because the Mexican Catholic Church is quite strict about who they will marry (they will only marry Catholic's or those who are going to convert). Also, I moved to San Francisco last year and have not yet joined a particular parish yet in the city.

So, my questions are:

1. I would like to go through pre-cana classes with my fiance - can we still do that even though (a) I don't belong to a parish in SF and (b) since we are getting married outside of the church?

2. I would still like to have the marriage acknowledged by the Catholic Church - how can I dothat?

Thank you for your help!!

Meghan

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

Dear Meghan,

Your letter raises several issues. Although they are all present at once, the only way to approach them is one at a time.

It is true that the universal Church encourages marriage between persons both of whom share the Catholic Faith, although universal Church [Canon] Law does allow a Bishop to give a dispensation for a Catholic person to marry a non-Catholic person. It may not happen much in Mexico, but the dispensation should be given by the Bishop where the person lives not where the marriage takes place.

Every diocese in the country has time guidelines for marriages, mostly a minimum of 6 months. If you have already started marriage prep in a parish, at least within the last few weeks, you would barely get in before the minimum time. The best thing would be to do all the prep in the U.S.A. and [because it is required in Mexico] to get civilly married here [remembering you are not yet married by the Sacrament], then in the Church there.

But backing up a little further, your letter actually presents a quandary. You have lived several months at least [now is beginning of June and you state "last year"] in San Francisco - without joining a parish. One is led to wonder why you are anxious for a Church marriage that, at first sight without understanding any background, does not come from practice of Faith.

When you approach a parish to begin wedding arrangements, you will be made aware of the various marriage preparation programs available in the Archdiocese. As you do that the parish priest will walk you through the technical process.

Sometimes it happens that all of this is done backwards, yes contrary to the ideal of Christian discipleship, yet of frequent occurrence. That is, getting married civilly anywhere, then coming to the parish church to begin preparation for the Sacramental Marriage in the Church.

May you both be open to the Holy Spirit, Whom we remembered in a special way last Sunday, the day of Pentecost, so that you may receive His many gifts to you in your daily life.

Blessings and Peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

Dear Father,

I would like to say thank you first of all for providing people with answers. I have a problem. I am getting married to my high school sweetheart July 2008. We will have only completed two years of undergraduate school and everyone says that 20 is too young to get married even though we have been best friends for 8 years and dating for three. Well, my fiancee was baptized and confirmed in the catholic church and I was only baptized but never confirmed. We both want to get married outside but his parents continue to tell him that we can not do it if we want to remain catholic. We are not currently members of a church because we both work full time and attend college full time. We always attend mass but always have to leave for work right afterwards.

First, I have heard of a priest blessing a marriage if the ceremony takes place outside, but how long does this take? Can this be done if I am not confirmed? and, Can we have this done after the outside wedding? I also wanted to know if there was any way that we would be able to do this or have a very simple ceremony inside of a church, if we were not members of a church. Thank you so much for your help.

Tina

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Tina,

You are both baptized Catholic and so are members of a particular parish. That is the parish in whose boundaries you reside, whether or not you are enrolled.

You should be confirmed before you get married, but it is not an absolute requirement. You can get married and receive the Sacrament of Confirmation later.

Since you say you always attend Mass, you are Catholics in good standing and the Sacrament of Matrimony should be celebrated with a Mass, though the Mass in connection with the marriage is not absolutely necessary.

To be married outside the Church is not recommended. It is a holy Sacrament and should be celebrated in a holy place. In most dioceses it would not be allowed to have a marriage outside the church.The Bishop of your diocese has to be approached for permission to grant an exception.

Marriage can be a simple ceremony, but it is always sacred.

I suggest you approach your parish priest. He will give you further details.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

Father,

I am 22 and so is my fiance. She is currently pregnant and has never ben baptized. I was baptized as a baby but never went through confermation. We just recently started to attend Catholic church again and plan on rasing the baby Catholic. Now my question is will we be able to be married in a Catholic church even though we are having a child with out being married first? Also the church we attend in San Jose is a fairly small church. We plan on having our reception in San Francisico and was wondering if it would be possible to be married in your church? Thanks for your time.

Rocci

Fr. Harold Danielson responds:

Dear Rocci,

The simple answer to all your questions is essentially "Yes". However, if I were your parish priest, I would advise you to wait an appropriate time to figure out if you really want to be married and together be father and mother to the child who is on the way. I would say at least a year after birth.

In order for you to get married in the Catholic Church, your girlfriend does not need to enter the Church. If she wants to later on, you may certainly support her in her decision, but make no prior insistences.

In our complex world with friends and relatives coming from distances for celebrations, our church at Sts. Peter & Paul is often used. For that we need the specific authorization (delegation of jurisdiction) from your local parish in order to do the ceremony.

God loves little babies. May His Spirit be with both of you to whom He has entrusted this new life.

Blessings and peace!

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

I am engaged to a wonderful man that I met a year ago. I am Catholic (baptized and confirmed) and wish to get married in my church. My fiance, however, has been divorced. He is Methodist and was married to a Mormon in an outdoor wedding. Can we get married in the Catholic church without getting an annulment?

Fr. Harold Danielson answers:

The Catholic Church makes particular requirements for its own baptized members regarding marriage. The Church (that is, we disciples of Jesus gathered together by the Holy Spirit) recognizes, holds sacred, and honors with respect all marriages entered into by people according to law and custom where they live where neither spouse is Catholic.

So for you to enter marriage without discovering that your husband-to-be had had an invalid marriage before would not be possible. The process for this requires some soul searching, but your parish priest and the staff of your Diocesan Tribunal will guide him throughout.

May the Holy Spirit whom we remember in such a powerful way on Pentecost be with you and your proposed spouse as you respond to God's call in your daily life.

Sincerely,

Fr. Harold Danielson, SDB

I have not received the Sacrament of Confirmation, and I have been married thru the Civil Courts for nearly three years. Is it true that I have to convalidate my marriage before I prepare to receive the Confirmation???

Thanks,

Fabiola

Fr. John Malloy responds:

Fabiola,

I presume you are a Catholic civilly married. The Church does not recognize your union and would expect you to rectify that before you receive Holy Communion and Confirmation.

It would be fairly simple to convalidate your marriage, if neither of you has been married before. If there were a previous marriage, it might still be possible, depending on circumstances, which you should make known to your parish priest.

Fr. John Malloy, SDB

Thank You for looking at my question.

I am a Lutheran getting married to a Catholic in the Catholic Church. My question is about having to raise our kids Catholic. I know my fiance has to pledge to raise the kids Catholic to the best of her ability. I know I do not have to sign anything but the Priest we are working with wants us to come to a decision on what we are going to do as far as our kids before the Wedding . I kind of get the feeling that I really have no choice as to what we raise the kids if I want to get married to this woman. If we decide to raise them Lutheran and we tell him, could he call off the wedding? Any thoughts or answers would be greatly appreciated.

Jason

Fr. John Malloy answers:

Jason,

Until recently, the Catholic Church required that both partners in a mixed marriage would agree to raise the children as Catholic. Now, as you know, only the Catholic partner must sign the dispensation request. The Catholic Church would not allow a Catholic ceremony unless there were some assurance that the children would be raised Catholic. If you told the priest that you planned to raise the children as Lutheran, he would probably suggest that you not marry in the Catholic Church, but rather in the Lutheran. In that case, of course, the Catholic partner would no longer be allowed Communion in the Catholic Church.

Rev. John Malloy, SDB

Fathers,